Today was your first day of school...and I couldn't help but wonder where these 5 months have gone and how far you have come and how far our family has come....I remember the first time I came to pick you up, 5 months ago and you were watching out the window, and when I softly said "Amay" you quickly turned to my voice as if it was the voice you had been waiting for the last 4 years....and you gave me a shy smile and let me into your arms....and I would be lying if I said that these past 5 months have been the most wonderful and joyous months...because even though you are only 4 years old, you know that things have been tough for all of us....especially for you...and though I try not to think about how hard things must be for you, I know that they are hard...I can tell when I see those big tears roll down your beautiful dark eyes..when sometimes you cry and I can't soothe you...sometimes when you hit me because you don't know what to do with all the anger you have built up from those years of waiting for me to come pick you up.....sometimes I have it in me to be the mom you deserve, and then there are days when I shy away from that responsibility because I am afraid that I will never be the mom you deserve...but today, my son, I want to tell you how proud I am of you....how truly proud I am to be your mother...to be the mother of a child that is so strong, brave, resilient, and breathtaking....I know I don't take enough time in the day to hold you, or to tell you how much I love you....or to show you that you are worth every single day spent with you.....I want to say that I am sorry...I am sorry that this journey has been so hard for you...for me, for us....I am sorry for often not loving you unconditionally.....for often getting angry at you for making me feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed...when I know clearly how you must be feeling...I am sorry that even as your mother, sometimes I put my own feelings ahead of yours.....today, I want to take the time to say I love you....and that I am sorry for being "human"...if there is one thing I can promise you as your mother, it is that I am trying every day, to be the best mother to you and to your siblings......
Today, when you went to school....you held my hand tightly...and kept asking me if I would be back to pick you up...and though in your heart you knew that Mommy would be back, I know how hard it must have been to let go of my hand...but you did it so gracefully and effortlessly....and as you let go of my hand and took your teacher's hand, you looked back at me....and once again, ran to me and whispered, "mommy, i love you"...and those four words today have resonanated with me more than they ever have....you tell me that you love me everyday...but today was different.....because today when you said that to me, I wanted to just hold you and never let go of you...ironically, there was a part of me that felt like asking you if YOU would be back......because this whole journey feels surreal...
My son, thank you for your patience....thank you for giving me the time that I need to be your mother...thank you for understanding my bad days with you...because no matter how many bad days I have had, you have never failed to love me....you love me unconditionally...even though our love was originally built on many "conditions"...I know that we have a long journey ahead of us...and I am by no means where I want to be in our mother-son relationship...but I want to say that I love you.......thank you for being my son...thank you for praying for me into your life.....and thank you for challenging everything I am....because you make me want to be a better person and a better mother...and to me, that is what living my life is all about......Amay, my son, I LOVE YOU!
On a side note, Satya came up to me 2 weeks ago and said "mommy, I hugged Amay today because he was crying.."....and I looked at Satya and said, "Really?!?, I am so proud of you..you have never hugged Amay"...and he excitedly said to me, "I know! I am starting to love him! I didn't love him before, but now I am starting to love him."......Satya has also been struggling with his feelings for Amay...and 2 weeks ago, he made a great leap forward...Praise God for his continued strength, love, and faith in our family. God has filled in all the emotional gaps in this family, and we are truly grateful to Him for helping us through this journey.....!
Today, when you went to school....you held my hand tightly...and kept asking me if I would be back to pick you up...and though in your heart you knew that Mommy would be back, I know how hard it must have been to let go of my hand...but you did it so gracefully and effortlessly....and as you let go of my hand and took your teacher's hand, you looked back at me....and once again, ran to me and whispered, "mommy, i love you"...and those four words today have resonanated with me more than they ever have....you tell me that you love me everyday...but today was different.....because today when you said that to me, I wanted to just hold you and never let go of you...ironically, there was a part of me that felt like asking you if YOU would be back......because this whole journey feels surreal...
My son, thank you for your patience....thank you for giving me the time that I need to be your mother...thank you for understanding my bad days with you...because no matter how many bad days I have had, you have never failed to love me....you love me unconditionally...even though our love was originally built on many "conditions"...I know that we have a long journey ahead of us...and I am by no means where I want to be in our mother-son relationship...but I want to say that I love you.......thank you for being my son...thank you for praying for me into your life.....and thank you for challenging everything I am....because you make me want to be a better person and a better mother...and to me, that is what living my life is all about......Amay, my son, I LOVE YOU!
On a side note, Satya came up to me 2 weeks ago and said "mommy, I hugged Amay today because he was crying.."....and I looked at Satya and said, "Really?!?, I am so proud of you..you have never hugged Amay"...and he excitedly said to me, "I know! I am starting to love him! I didn't love him before, but now I am starting to love him."......Satya has also been struggling with his feelings for Amay...and 2 weeks ago, he made a great leap forward...Praise God for his continued strength, love, and faith in our family. God has filled in all the emotional gaps in this family, and we are truly grateful to Him for helping us through this journey.....!
