To My Son....Thank You!

Today was your first day of school...and I couldn't help but wonder where these 5 months have gone and how far you have come and how far our family has come....I remember the first time I came to pick you up, 5 months ago and you were watching out the window, and when I softly said "Amay" you quickly turned to my voice as if it was the voice you had been waiting for the last 4 years....and you gave me a shy smile and let me into your arms....and I would be lying if I said that these past 5 months have been the most wonderful and joyous months...because even though you are only 4 years old, you know that things have been tough for all of us....especially for you...and though I try not to think about how hard things must be for you, I know that they are hard...I can tell when I see those big tears roll down your beautiful dark eyes..when sometimes you cry and I can't soothe you...sometimes when you hit me because you don't know what to do with all the anger you have built up from those years of waiting for me to come pick you up.....sometimes I have it in me to be the mom you deserve, and then there are days when I shy away from that responsibility because I am afraid that I will never be the mom you deserve...but today, my son, I want to tell you how proud I am of you....how truly proud I am to be your mother...to be the mother of a child that is so strong, brave, resilient, and breathtaking....I know I don't take enough time in the day to hold you, or to tell you how much I love you....or to show you that you are worth every single day spent with you.....I want to say that I am sorry...I am sorry that this journey has been so hard for you...for me, for us....I am sorry for often not loving you unconditionally.....for often getting angry at you for making me feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed...when I know clearly how you must be feeling...I am sorry that even as your mother, sometimes I put my own feelings ahead of yours.....today, I want to take the time to say I love you....and that I am sorry for being "human"...if there is one thing I can promise you as your mother, it is that I am trying every day, to be the best mother to you and to your siblings......

Today, when you went to school....you held my hand tightly...and kept asking me if I would be back to pick you up...and though in your heart you knew that Mommy would be back, I know how hard it must have been to let go of my hand...but you did it so gracefully and effortlessly....and as you let go of my hand and took your teacher's hand, you looked back at me....and once again, ran to me and whispered, "mommy, i love you"...and those four words today have resonanated with me more than they ever have....you tell me that you love me everyday...but today was different.....because today when you said that to me, I wanted to just hold you and never let go of you...ironically, there was a part of me that felt like asking you if YOU would be back......because this whole journey feels surreal...

My son, thank you for your patience....thank you for giving me the time that I need to be your mother...thank you for understanding my bad days with you...because no matter how many bad days I have had, you have never failed to love me....you love me unconditionally...even though our love was originally built on many "conditions"...I know that we have a long journey ahead of us...and I am by no means where I want to be in our mother-son relationship...but I want to say that I love you.......thank you for being my son...thank you for praying for me into your life.....and thank you for challenging everything I am....because you make me want to be a better person and a better mother...and to me, that is what living my life is all about......Amay, my son, I LOVE YOU!

On a side note, Satya came up to me 2 weeks ago and said "mommy, I hugged Amay today because he was crying.."....and I looked at Satya and said, "Really?!?, I am so proud of you..you have never hugged Amay"...and he excitedly said to me, "I know! I am starting to love him! I didn't love him before, but now I am starting to love him."......Satya has also been struggling with his feelings for Amay...and 2 weeks ago, he made a great leap forward...Praise God for his continued strength, love, and faith in our family.  God has filled in all the emotional gaps in this family, and we are truly grateful to Him for helping us through this journey.....!

"Is it worth it?"

As months go by with Amay, we continue to have people ask us questions that sound wierd when they are asked....only because we are slowly starting to really feel that Amay is no longer our "adopted" son, but just our son....so now when people ask me if he is my "real" son or if my kids are "real" siblings, I hesitate at first not knowing how to answer the question...but then quickly rephrase it in my head with the word "biological" son or "biological" siblings so I can answer patiently and with more grace....don't get me wrong, i don't get mad with such questions, but now that he is really starting to feel like he is part of the family, i often try to forget that he is adopted...only because it helps me transition better.....however, two weeks ago, somebody asked me "is it worth it?"....and believe me when i say there was no graceful way to answer that question, because in my head i had rephrased the question to "is HE worth it?".....for some reason, i wasn't even mad at the person...i just came home, and had this gut wrenching feeling in my stomach....to think that somebody would even ask that question.....nobody asks a mom after she has given birth to a newborn if "the child was worth it"....or if "the pregancy was worth the child"...so why would somebody ask me if the adoption was worth Amay?....well friends, let me take you to the morning of that day....to help you understand why that question had hit home for me.....

That same morning of that horrible question, I had asked Amay to pick up the cards he had thrown on the floor...and 4 year old Amay screamed "No!"....so I asked again, "Amay, please pick up your cards" only to have him scream "No!" again...so I said, "fine, don't pick them up"....and before I can even walk away, he kicked me in my leg, and starting hitting me....not just one slap...but started punching me all over....not sure what had triggered him, i just walked away and didn't respond....(thanks to my therapist, i am better able to handle situations like this where initially i just want to start yelling and screaming back at him)...but this time, i just walked away....and that made it worst...he came after me and bit me in my stomach.....and then grabbed my hair and dragged me around the kitchen.....and though at that point I wanted to react, I just didn't know what to do..especially because Satya and Sita were both watching the terror....and so once again, i just let this play out...and finally he started spitting at me......at which point I grabbed him and put him in time-out....and he started to cry really loud and desperately cried, "mommy, please please please kiss me...!"...and you can probably imagine the look on my face..i was disgusted, surprised, angry, and thinking "there is no way in h-ll i am going to kiss you after all that"....seriously, did he just ask me to kiss him after that...?....

Anyhow, that night, i discussed with Sunny what had happened...and of course, as usual, my husband knew how to respond and had figured it out...that by me disapproving of his behavior somehow made Amay feel that I was rejecting him...and if I said, "fine, don't do it" it meant that i didn't care what he did and what he didn't do...and that didn't sit well with Amay...he needs to know that Mommy cares at all times...even when he doesn't do what i tell him to do...and this was probably not the time to just walk away from him.....but believe me...i was caught in the moment...so much at that point that i had gone to my days where i used to think that I was done babysitting him and I was ready for his "real" mom to pick him up.....

Anyhow, going back to "is it worth it?".....i am sure that most of you who have adopted agree with me when I say that just because we have adopted a child, we are not advocates of it and don't think that everybody should go out there and adopt a child because it is the thing to do...absolutely not....adopting a child is not the answer to a "human crisis"....but is an option for those who want to help the human crisis AND want to parent a child...it has to be both.....so when i am asked "is it worth it", it makes me believe that people think that adoption is something that is just a process of endless paperwork and then a child arrives and you decide if the child was worth the loads of money and process....nope....you have it wrong....everyday, especially days like the one we had that morning, assure me that this is just not a process...but rather a journey...a journey with many ups and downs....days where i still sit in my bathroom at 2 am somedays and cry....and cry and cry...because it is the best time to cry...everybody is asleep and i don't have to answer to my kids or my husband...but just need to release it all.....because though I know that Amay is worth EVERYTHING....it is hard...hard to fall in love with a child that isn't biological...it is hard to look into those big brown eyes and lie sometimes and say "I love you so much"....or hard to get spit on while your other kids are watching...or hard to feel that you are a horrible person for not loving a child that wants to be loved so badly....it is all so hard.....but like my husband says and continues to say, it is all so hard for Amay too....so perhaps the right person to ask such a question to is probably Amay....so if ever somebody wants to ask "is it worth it"....ask a child who has traveled the world to a place of unknown people, language, culture just so he can have a mommy and daddy....ask the child who often cries and asks "are you ever going to send me back to the orphanage".....ask him if "it" was worth it...and if he is worth it.....maybe this question wasn't such a bad question..it was probably just asked on a horrible day....and brought up a flood of thoughts and emotions.... adoption takes every ounce of energy from every single member of the family.....it is hard to have such a bold and upfront question thrown at us.....b/c everyday we wake up to feel "normal" again.....and then, somebody asks "is it worth it?"...is WHAT worth it?...next time, just ask "is it hard?" or "how are you guys doing?"

I guess I am not sure what the point of this blogpost really is.....but I just wanted to set some things clear to people and to get things straight in my own head so i can continue to answer questions gracefully even when not asked with politically correct terms......adoption is NOT something that people do to one day say to themselves, "yeap, it was all worth it"....so please don't make us or our children feel that somehow something should feel like it was worth it or that he has to somehow prove that he is worth a "process" or that he deserves parents.....just b/c we vent about "attachment" or "grieving" or whatever the challenge is for the day shouldn't be translated to "this isn't worth it".....we all know this is hard...and knew it was going to be hard...but at any point, if you don't know what to say when an adoptive mother cries to you and says, "i don't love him"...just say "it's okay"...don't question her motives on adoption or ask if it was worth it.....it's not what we want to hear...and really, if you ask yourself that question, you realize that it doesn't make any sense at all.....nobody asked me if my bio kids were worth the 2 degenerative discs, 2 C-sections, loss of feeling in my left thigh, possible hyperthyroidism, broken tailbone, and gestational diabetes with 90% chance of my diabetes returning....

Anyhow, enough venting...and more updating....Amay is doing amazingly well....he is starting to feel secure with us and finally starting to open up to us about his past...he used to never talk about the orphanage, but now, sometimes he talks about his caretakers and his friends from the past....we are assuring him that it is okay to miss and love the orphanage and that just because he misses it doesn't mean that we will send him back......a lot of kids block out memories and fear that if they talk about what they miss, they will be sent back....but we are so glad to know that Amay is feeling secure...of course, there are days where he reacts to something and I am not sure what cord i hit, but something reminds him of something from the past and then there is no way to console him but to just let the moment pass...like the one we had earlier.....his eating is becoming a lot better....the first time i fed Amay, he ate 8 chapatis...and i gave it to him b/c i felt bad for him...but soon realized that he was just hoarding the food and eating b/c he didn't know when he would get so much food again...and then would go to sleep with a stomache...and to him, the food was well worth the stomache.....but now, we have taught him to stop eating when he is full....and though it is hard for him to say no to food, he is trying really hard and has come a long way.....what else....???....Satya is still struggling to find a spot in the family with Amay here now....somedays i feel that they are never going to figure this out...that Satya will always have some anger towards Amay for becoming his "twin" brother......but then, there are times when I KNOW in my heart, that Satya is going to come past all this and make everything work..i feel that Satya is like me in the sense that Amay makes him mad b/c he wants to love Amay so badly but is having a hard time doing it......as for me....i continue with ups and downs....somedays, i love him b/c he is a good kid....and somedays i just can't find it in my heart to even give him a hug.....but i am now more comfortable with my feelings about him....i used to be ashamed to say that i didn't love him, or that sometimes i waited for his "real" mom to come pick him up, or that often, i hid in the bathroom just so he wouldn't find me.....but now, i am proud to say that i feel what i feel and we are working through it....and i love him for the little boy he is and for all that he has endured...i look at him sometimes when he randomly says "are you my mommy?" and just want to eat him up.....b/c he asks that question as if the answer will someday change....and i answer each time with "of course, you are my baby!"...and though sometimes i love him and sometimes i don't love him, one thing is for sure...I am his mommy, and he is my baby....and that will never change.....

so if you must know and if i must answer the question...YES, he is worth every hardship we go through and will ever go through in the future..because no mother says her son isn't worth it.....so the question isn't if if it is worth it...b/c sure there are days where we feel it is too much to deal with and that our lives before the adoption were a lot easier and more "normal"..but that doesn't for a second mean that it isn't worth it.the question should be whether or not we are up for the challenge...and often it's okay to say it's too much to handle...that's why i don't advocate adoption...some families can handle one biological child, while others can handle 5 adopted special needs children...and it's all okay.....but that doesn't mean our orphans are not worth it.....every child is worth it...it's about what we are willing to handle....so as for me, there isn't enough 4 year old spit in the world that would make me believe that our orphans aren't worth it......because every child deserves a mommy and daddy.....PERIOD!

The Little Incredible Kid

This is Sunny, just figured i'd make my first post about Amay.

In the past year and a half since we decided to adopt, we've gotten a lot of praise. From close friends and relatives to acquaintances there have been many to support us with kind words. And never has support meant more than in the last few months as we've began our journey with Amay.

Yet, something just doesn't feel right when I hear someone tell us about how we've done a wonderful thing or that we've done so much for this child who just a few months ago was in an orphanage in India.

The reason it doesn't feel right is because we really haven't done that much. What have we really done so far? Fill out endless amounts of paperwork, travel to India, and now try to give a child the love and compassion he deserves and has always deserved.

Compare that to what Amay has done. He spent nearly the entire first four years of his life in an orphanage. He so desperately sought the idea of a family that when the day came to leave everything that he'd know in his life behind, he calmly took Sumi's hand and walked out of the orphanage without even wanting to say goodbye.

Amay calmly walked into a completely unknown world. Filled with unknown things, unknown places, unknown languages, and unknown people. He went from house to house and city to city in India, meeting new family members. Every new place we went he'd ask, "Ame-ti-ka?" And we'd tell him no, this isn't America yet.

I still remember him when we'd take him to the park in India. He'd be laughing and playing one minute but then he'd have moments where he'd just sit still at the bottom of the slide; alone, with a sad look on his face, staring out blankly.

Amay in India; one of his moments at the bottom of the slide

Was he scared? Probably, but he couldn't even communicate that to us or maybe he didn't want to out of fear that he'd have to go back to orphanage. The only thing that was familiar to him was a cartoon called "Chota Bheem" that he wanted to watch endlessly, likely because it was his comfort. He still managed to enjoy the simple things in life that he'd never experienced before; a shower, a bottle of coke, a lollipop; the things we take for granted everyday.

Once he arrived at our home in Bolingbrook he asked again, "Ame-ti-ka?" And finally we could answer with a yes. Once he heard that answer the change in his behavior was immediate. How relieved he must have been to know that he was finally home. And yet the challenges were just beginning.

Amay still has to learn two languages. To this day he still isn't capable of deciding when he's had enough food to eat because he's never had that decision to make during the first four years. He still craves love and attention so much that even if someone he just met grabs hold of his hand, Amay won't want to let go. He has so much catching up to do in all different areas. Not to mention that he still has a family that is working to figure out how to love him like their own.

I always tell my oldest son Satya that nothing in life is given to you. That you have to earn every thing you get. But what if you don't even have an opportunity to earn it? That's what's unfair about life. Amay will get that opportunity but he's going to have to work harder than most to earn the things he wants. That's not a problem though, because I can see incredible strength in this four year old.

Being the typical guy, I don't really like to talk about my feelings, but I'll admit that many times I used to tear up just thinking about my kids and how much I love them. And now I tear up when thinking about Amay but it's for a different reason.

I can't help but think about what he's been through and what he must still be going through. I think about the courage that he's shown in fighting through the hundreds of changes that he's encountered in the last few months... and still keep going. I can't imagine one of my other two kids being ripped out of their current environment and having to start all over in a new country with a new family, new languages, and new everything.

As a parent, his strength is my motivation. If he can work through all those challenges, I can surely work through mine as well. After all, he's MY son and I'm proud of what he's done. At the end of the day, I'm going to make sure that he has all the opportunities he deserves to earn the things he wants.

So yes, we filled out a lot of paperwork and traveled to India, but beyond that all we've done is try our best to raise a son... just like everyone else. What Amay is doing is extraordinary. This is not to say that I don't appreciate all the kind words people have offered but I just want everyone to know that the little guy beside me is the one doing all the work.

My son's flat head.....

As I have mentioned many times, my husband is my rock...he carries me through every emotion and lets me feel the way I do without having to make excuses to why I feel a certain way.....often, when people think about loving a child, they instantly think about a mother and her love for her child...but through the process of loving Amay, I have had many ups and downs and still continue to struggle with what a mother should feel for her son.....I love Amay...i love him so much....and so badly want to be in love with him.....and have obviously come to the conclusion that things will take time...that sometimes I won't want to kiss him the way I kiss the other two kids...or that sometimes I will feel like I am babysitting him instead of nurturing him as my own....but all of it is natural....and my intentions of writing anything on this blog are not to justify my feelings or make excuses for anything...but truly to just work through my feelings....and as my 6 year anniversary just rolled around, I couldn't help but feel overly blessed for having my husband by my side...Six years ago, I married Sunny not only b/c I was in love with him, but b/c I knew that someday he was going to make a wonderful father to my kids....and that was the number one criteria for me in my husband....and as i struggle to love Amay the way I know I am capable of, I watch my amazing husband everyday with the kids...especially with Amay...and he is so nurturing...so real, so fatherly...as if he has been there all along....as if he hasn't missed his last 4 years...i watch him discipline Amay, and then end every time out with a hug or a kiss.....(and believe me, my time outs with Amay do not end with any sort of affection).....and every morning, before Sunny goes to work, he kisses me on my forehead...and then I watch him kiss Satya and Amay on theirs...and how refreshing...to know that even though I might struggle, my husband won't let me forget what it means to love a child.....to really just love him without thinking about it.....

A few weeks ago, as usual, I was talking to Sunny about how i lose my patience with Amay and I just wanted to be better and know how to be better....and was  desperate for help.....b/c I watch Sunny effortlessly be a father...and for me, being a mother has taken every ounce of energy out of me...so I wanted to know....and he said to me...when you get mad at Amay...before you lose your patience, feel the back of his head....and at that moment, I knew exactly what he was talking about...Amay has the typical flathead that children from institutions have from not being picked up when they were infants....as a child from an orphanage  lies in his crib an average of 15-20 hours a day...flattening their heads....and so Sunny said, "just feel his head, and you will know what he missed the last 4 years"....and that, is what i call "fatherly love".....and so now, everytime I am about to lose my patience, I feel my son's flat head...

Mommy, are you coming back?

A typical day at the Mehta household starts with Amay crying EVERY morning when i go into the shower.........I sit him down on my bed and explain to him that Mommy is going to take a shower and will be right back....and he still asks, "mommy, are you coming back?"....and though the night before, I would promise myself that I wouldn't lose my patience with him when he asks me those five words over and over, somehow, i can't help myself but get emotional...so every morning, i answer, "yes, i will be right back"......and get myself into the shower.....I am the girl that sings in the shower....actually, let me rephrase that...I USED to be the girl that sang beautiful Hindi songs in the shower, loud and out of tune...but loved it!...but now, I am the girl that cries in the shower while my son cries on my bed yelling for me....all I hear is "mommy, mommy, mommy!".....and now, I cringe everytime he says Mommy....because i know it will be followed by "are you coming back?"....and of course, the natural thought for everybody, myself included, is that he asks me b/c he is insecure...BUT, when I go to the kitchen, he asks " mommy, are you coming back?"...when i go to the bathroom, he asks again, and then again, and again, until I get mad and say, "of course mommy is coming back!"....and of course, this is a cycle...b/c when i yell at him, i sit in my bed every night feeling horrible.....I get caught in the hustle and bustles of life that I forget that Amay isn't just another child...he isn't Sitara and Satya....he comes with so many needs that I HAVE to nurture....and I can't excuse my actions just b/c it was another busy day on mom's agenda...I have to slow down and make sure that he knows that yes, even after taking a shower, mommy will be right back.....

The wonderful thing about Amay's transition into his new life is that he has pretty much followed what the books have told me about toddler adoptions...Amay had a great "honeymoon" stage that lasted about 2 days where he absolutely loved me...and then he entered "grievance" where he cried every night and didn't really want much to do with me b/c he wasn't sure if he was with us temporarily...and then about a month ago, he hit "frustration"...where he was becoming frustrated with me b/c he believes that I am his birth mother and I left him years ago while still keeping his siblings Sita and Satya with me...so he spent many days getting frustrated with me and crying "mommy, mommy!"...almost like him screaming, "mommy, why did you leave me?"....and due to our language barrier, I wasn't able to really communicate much with him...so Sunny had the "the talk" with him....the talk about his birth parents...who loved him a lot and couldn't keep him but wanted the best for him...and about us, who wanted a beautiful little boy in our family...and how we all came together...so that he would understand that he had birth parents and that though he was once given up, we would never let that happen again and that he is here to stay....and after many nights of Sunny talking to him, we have come to some days where he doesn't cry when I go into the shower....but still, many days where he still asks, "mommy, are you coming back?"...and though i get annoyed every time he asks me....it still breaks my heart into a million pieces...and I gather those pieces every day to stay strong...so i can yell at them when they don't clean their rooms and when they don't eat their veggies....the wonderful life of a stay at home mom!....:)

I am a proud mother.....

Today, I took my kids to the park as usual....and as i watched the three of them play, i couldn't help but cry.....and i didn't just tear up...i actually sat in the swing and sobbed......it continues to be a rough emotional journey for all of us, but in the midst of it all, i forget how hard it must be for my three munchkins..their entire life has taken a new twist.....i often find myself yelling at all of them during the day because they are constantly fighting or whining or crying because somebody took somebody's toy or somebody isn't sharing or whatever it is at the moment......and i truly don't have a moment during the day to just step out of the box and think about what is really going on in our lives...and today, when i sat on the swing, watching them play...it hit me that my kids are not only amazing, but are incredible little people.....everyday, i find them trying really hard to find a spot in this new family...each one is trying so hard......Amay constantly asks me "mommy, am i a good boy today, and mommy, do you love me...?"...and Satya asks me "Am i still your favorite?"......and with these questions, i don't know what they are truly feeling or going through, but i know they are trying so hard...because at the end of the day, it all just feels right.....i am just so proud of all three of them for opening their hearts up to this incredible journey and path that we are on ...they have all taken a leap of faith in their little hearts...every morning and night when the family sits to pray, they say "thank you God for each other..."...and though they are just saying that b/c mommy is making them say it, i know that one day they will really feel how lucky they are to be a part of this amazing journey together.....through the tough times and through the happy times...we thank God for each other...and I thank Him for my 3 amazing kids.....I pray that He gives them the inner strength they may need to love each other and to just enjoy each other's company......I am a proud mother!!!....

I love him.....

I thought I was done blogging, but I couldn't help but post Amay's update...Amay has been doing amazingly better since we got back to the U.S....I think his insecurities about where he was headed and where "home" was has finally vanished and he feels more comfortable...we obviously still have a lot of "adoption" related issues such as attachment and grieving, but overall, I must say that I am truly very happy and proud of how well he is doing.....he is picking up on the language and really trying to fit in with his siblings...... ..though I am still not "in love" with him, yesterday, i felt the feeling of love for him...and it was a big step in my relationship with him...i have been feeling like i have been "babysitting" somebody's child...but for the first time yesterday, I felt true love for him....from all the reading and support i have received from adoptive mothers, i have been told that it is okay to "fake" your love for the child and just "pretend" you love him until the day arrives when you truly love him...so that is what i have been doing...i have been hugging him every morning and telling him i love him every night...and though it felt wierd since i was having a hard time feeling any of it, it felt good just to show him love...and yesterday, i didn't have to fake it...i actually felt it in my heart.......and I think he felt it too....I hurt my toe yesterday with a chair and he heard me scream in pain, and he ran to me and said "oh mommy"...and he kneeled down in push up position and kissed my big toe.....and i carried him up and just held him in my arms......not faking any love....just truly loving him and missing him for the 4 years he wasn't with me....

Satya is still confused about Amay and not sure how to "share" everybody he loves...Satya has never been a "materialistic" kid...he doesn't care if somebody takes his favorite toy or if he doesn't get something...but when he has to "share" his little sister or his mommy/daddy...it hits home...and i think that is where he is struggling.....but Amay's love and resilience will soon win him over too...and I am confident that Satya is going to open his heart to him....with just a little more time...he keeps telling me "mommy, i just need more time!"...and time is what we will give him.....