I am a proud mother.....

Today, I took my kids to the park as usual....and as i watched the three of them play, i couldn't help but cry.....and i didn't just tear up...i actually sat in the swing and sobbed......it continues to be a rough emotional journey for all of us, but in the midst of it all, i forget how hard it must be for my three munchkins..their entire life has taken a new twist.....i often find myself yelling at all of them during the day because they are constantly fighting or whining or crying because somebody took somebody's toy or somebody isn't sharing or whatever it is at the moment......and i truly don't have a moment during the day to just step out of the box and think about what is really going on in our lives...and today, when i sat on the swing, watching them play...it hit me that my kids are not only amazing, but are incredible little people.....everyday, i find them trying really hard to find a spot in this new family...each one is trying so hard......Amay constantly asks me "mommy, am i a good boy today, and mommy, do you love me...?"...and Satya asks me "Am i still your favorite?"......and with these questions, i don't know what they are truly feeling or going through, but i know they are trying so hard...because at the end of the day, it all just feels right.....i am just so proud of all three of them for opening their hearts up to this incredible journey and path that we are on ...they have all taken a leap of faith in their little hearts...every morning and night when the family sits to pray, they say "thank you God for each other..."...and though they are just saying that b/c mommy is making them say it, i know that one day they will really feel how lucky they are to be a part of this amazing journey together.....through the tough times and through the happy times...we thank God for each other...and I thank Him for my 3 amazing kids.....I pray that He gives them the inner strength they may need to love each other and to just enjoy each other's company......I am a proud mother!!!....

I love him.....

I thought I was done blogging, but I couldn't help but post Amay's update...Amay has been doing amazingly better since we got back to the U.S....I think his insecurities about where he was headed and where "home" was has finally vanished and he feels more comfortable...we obviously still have a lot of "adoption" related issues such as attachment and grieving, but overall, I must say that I am truly very happy and proud of how well he is doing.....he is picking up on the language and really trying to fit in with his siblings...... ..though I am still not "in love" with him, yesterday, i felt the feeling of love for him...and it was a big step in my relationship with him...i have been feeling like i have been "babysitting" somebody's child...but for the first time yesterday, I felt true love for him....from all the reading and support i have received from adoptive mothers, i have been told that it is okay to "fake" your love for the child and just "pretend" you love him until the day arrives when you truly love him...so that is what i have been doing...i have been hugging him every morning and telling him i love him every night...and though it felt wierd since i was having a hard time feeling any of it, it felt good just to show him love...and yesterday, i didn't have to fake it...i actually felt it in my heart.......and I think he felt it too....I hurt my toe yesterday with a chair and he heard me scream in pain, and he ran to me and said "oh mommy"...and he kneeled down in push up position and kissed my big toe.....and i carried him up and just held him in my arms......not faking any love....just truly loving him and missing him for the 4 years he wasn't with me....

Satya is still confused about Amay and not sure how to "share" everybody he loves...Satya has never been a "materialistic" kid...he doesn't care if somebody takes his favorite toy or if he doesn't get something...but when he has to "share" his little sister or his mommy/daddy...it hits home...and i think that is where he is struggling.....but Amay's love and resilience will soon win him over too...and I am confident that Satya is going to open his heart to him....with just a little more time...he keeps telling me "mommy, i just need more time!"...and time is what we will give him.....

Final Thoughts

This journey has taught us more than we could have imagined....and in the short time that Amay has been with us, he has challenged our entire family.....Sunny and I, along with Satya and Sitara have gone through many emotions and often continue to...I have doubted myself as a mother, have often wondered if Amay was better off at the orphanage, have worried how everything will fall into place, and continue to question what the future holds for our family....but at the same time, I am happy...happy to know that Amay is with us...and happy to know that we are going to do our best to give our son a wonderful opportunity at life.....Our family truly thanks all of those who have kept us in their prayers and for all the support that has been sent our way......Amay is a great bundle of love waiting to blossom.....and I know that God is going to continue to bless us with strength so that we can continue to overcome the unknown.....our journey is everything we expected, but nothing we could have prepared for.....in 2 short months, Amay has already become a completely different child....from the days of him biting, screaming, kicking, and crying, to an often loving child who craves his parents and wants to be hugged and kissed all the time.....we hope that this year will bring us more positive changes for him...and hope that one day his insecurity will gradually become something of the past.....at the same time, we hope and pray that Satya and Sitara will also be able to find their place in our bigger yet better family....as they are also struggling with insecurities and are trying to figure out where they fit in the family now that we have added one more.....Satya constantly sings "my mommy, you are my mommy!"....and I can tell that he often struggles with this change...but as mature as he is, he tells me, "don't worry mom, i just have to get used to him.."...I am so proud of him.....so proud of all three of my kids....for making the best of what God has given us...and truly embracing life and openning their hearts even when it is scary for them....hopefully the kids will give me time to write on the blog, but most likely not...so for now, I leave with a sincere thank you to all those who have stayed with us through this journey.....and as for my husband, he has always been my rock...and though we continue to struggle with our emotions, he says "in a year, we will adopt a baby girl...!"..and with that statement, i know that everything is going to be fine....:)
God bless!

Special Needs

When Sunny and I first started our journey with adoption, we spent countless days discussing our strengths and weaknesses and what we believed we were capable of accepting in our adoptive child....After making the decision to apply for a "special needs" child, we were anxious to find out what special need God would send our way....when we received a referral for Amay, we were blessed to know that Amay had very few medical conditions and hardly anything that we would consider a special need.....Most of his medical needs would be met with several years of speech and physical therapy.....so though India considered him a child with "special needs" we considered him a child with a special need for a family.....However, a month after meeting and taking care of him, I realize that every child from an institution is a special needs child...regardless of how healthy or unhealthy the child is, they will have many "special needs"...First and foremost, their insecurity causes them to act and react in many unexpected ways...sometimes Amay cries for no reason while other times he hits or yells...sometimes he smothers me with kisses while other times he wants nothing to do with me...His major special need is love..he needs to be loved in ways even he often doesn't understand....Sunny and I are often not sure how to love him....b/c even when we try to love and hug him, he rejects us...Sunny has tried to let him know that we will always be his family and always love him, but he is having a hard time understanding...somewhere in his 4 year old mind, he believes that one day, we will leave him too...and it will be a "special need" we will always have to nurture...Love and Trust...two things he needs,....my thoughts and prayers go out to all adoptive mothers and mothers with children with special needs...I believe God chooses special parents for His "special" children.....

Home Sweet Home....

Finally, we are home....!!!...I am so glad to finally be home..there truly is no place like home....it was a long but memorable journey to India.....we had an amazing experience with the kids and will always remember it.......We just made it home today morning and the kids are once again adjusting to life here...Amay has finally made it to America....no matter where we went, he kept asking, America?....if went to a mall in India, he would ask, America?.....when we went to see the Taj Mahal in Delhi, he asked, America....so when we landed at the Ohare Airport and he said, Mommy, America?...I was glad to say, "Yes, this is America!"......Amay continues to be a challenge in many ways...his curiosity and insecurity challenge us in so many ways....and we are at the point where we aren't sure if a lot of his issues are b/c he comes from an orphanage or just because he is a toddler...does he cry and throw a tantrum for no reason b/c he is a toddler, or b/c he is going through his "grieving" stage...?......does he not listen to us b/c he is a toddler or b/c he is frustrated with the language barrier?....at this point, I am not sure about anything...the only thing I know for sure is that we are now a family of five...and with a husband like mine, I am sure that we are going to make it through whatever Amay throws our way....kids are all having a hard time adjusting to each other....Sitara and Satya are whining and crying more often, and I am not sure if it is b/c of Amay or just b/c they have been spoiled in India....so I think we just need to give it 6 months and see how things go from there..I am slowly, very slowly, starting to "attach" to Amay.....I am starting to see past his hitting and crying.....but truly loving him is still a slow process....I am blessed for this opportunity...I question this whole process every day, only b/c it is emotionally draining and physically exhausting.... but not for a minute regret having Amay in our life......I am glad to be home...in the presence of family and friends who have extremely supportive......so glad to be home...tired, exhausted, jetlagged, but just happy to be home.....

Pictures

Thank you!

It is going to be quite some time before I get to write anything since we are going to Ahmedabad on Wednesday and I won't have access to a computer....but I just wanted to take this time to say thank you to all of you who have sent us many thoughts and prayers...your kind words and support have made a world of a difference......this journey is nothing that we could have prepared for...as we have been trained for everything that may come our way, but still are not sure how to attack it...but today, Sunny told me that he connected with Amay for the first time...and it makes me very happy to know...Sunny and I have both struggled with the "attachment" process...we have read a lot about how a child might struggle to "attach" to the parents....and we were prepared for it...but we didn't read much about how parents might struggle to "attach" to the child...and Sunny and I have been constantly been on a roller coaster ride with him......but it was comforting to know that Sunny is on his way to connecting with him...it is hard....and often it makes us feel like we are bad people....how are we not able to immediately love a child who needs our love so badly?....and I am still not sure why not...but it is a very slow process......but today is a wonderful day....the kids are playing with Sunny...running around and having fun....Amay asked me something in Gujarati yesterday which made me extremely happy that he was picking up on my language....and today I am just happy...we took the kids out to a park yesterday and watching Amay on the merry go around was beautiful..he had a huge smile on his face and it warmed my heart.....at that moment, it didn't matter what i felt for him, how angry he often made me...how confused i often feel...at that moment, i was just happy to see him so happy...for the first time, i felt that he was able to be a kid.......he just kept laughing....and it truly warmed my heart...and then when the ride was over, that feeling left me and i was stressed again..hahah....but thank you all for sharing this journey with us....can't wait to update you on our trip to delhi when we get our visa.....today is good day....i love my kids..i love my sisters and brothers and family who are a constant support for me...and all of you who have made this journey easier.......and i love my beautiful husband who is my rock.....he makes me stronger when i feel i can't fight anymore.....and he assures me that i can still love more when i feel i have no more to give......i thank God for all that he has blessed me with.....!!