As months go by with Amay, we continue to have people ask us questions that sound wierd when they are asked....only because we are slowly starting to really feel that Amay is no longer our "adopted" son, but just our son....so now when people ask me if he is my "real" son or if my kids are "real" siblings, I hesitate at first not knowing how to answer the question...but then quickly rephrase it in my head with the word "biological" son or "biological" siblings so I can answer patiently and with more grace....don't get me wrong, i don't get mad with such questions, but now that he is really starting to feel like he is part of the family, i often try to forget that he is adopted...only because it helps me transition better.....however, two weeks ago, somebody asked me "is it worth it?"....and believe me when i say there was no graceful way to answer that question, because in my head i had rephrased the question to "is HE worth it?".....for some reason, i wasn't even mad at the person...i just came home, and had this gut wrenching feeling in my stomach....to think that somebody would even ask that question.....nobody asks a mom after she has given birth to a newborn if "the child was worth it"....or if "the pregancy was worth the child"...so why would somebody ask me if the adoption was worth Amay?....well friends, let me take you to the morning of that day....to help you understand why that question had hit home for me.....
That same morning of that horrible question, I had asked Amay to pick up the cards he had thrown on the floor...and 4 year old Amay screamed "No!"....so I asked again, "Amay, please pick up your cards" only to have him scream "No!" again...so I said, "fine, don't pick them up"....and before I can even walk away, he kicked me in my leg, and starting hitting me....not just one slap...but started punching me all over....not sure what had triggered him, i just walked away and didn't respond....(thanks to my therapist, i am better able to handle situations like this where initially i just want to start yelling and screaming back at him)...but this time, i just walked away....and that made it worst...he came after me and bit me in my stomach.....and then grabbed my hair and dragged me around the kitchen.....and though at that point I wanted to react, I just didn't know what to do..especially because Satya and Sita were both watching the terror....and so once again, i just let this play out...and finally he started spitting at me......at which point I grabbed him and put him in time-out....and he started to cry really loud and desperately cried, "mommy, please please please kiss me...!"...and you can probably imagine the look on my face..i was disgusted, surprised, angry, and thinking "there is no way in h-ll i am going to kiss you after all that"....seriously, did he just ask me to kiss him after that...?....
Anyhow, that night, i discussed with Sunny what had happened...and of course, as usual, my husband knew how to respond and had figured it out...that by me disapproving of his behavior somehow made Amay feel that I was rejecting him...and if I said, "fine, don't do it" it meant that i didn't care what he did and what he didn't do...and that didn't sit well with Amay...he needs to know that Mommy cares at all times...even when he doesn't do what i tell him to do...and this was probably not the time to just walk away from him.....but believe me...i was caught in the moment...so much at that point that i had gone to my days where i used to think that I was done babysitting him and I was ready for his "real" mom to pick him up.....
Anyhow, going back to "is it worth it?".....i am sure that most of you who have adopted agree with me when I say that just because we have adopted a child, we are not advocates of it and don't think that everybody should go out there and adopt a child because it is the thing to do...absolutely not....adopting a child is not the answer to a "human crisis"....but is an option for those who want to help the human crisis AND want to parent a child...it has to be both.....so when i am asked "is it worth it", it makes me believe that people think that adoption is something that is just a process of endless paperwork and then a child arrives and you decide if the child was worth the loads of money and process....nope....you have it wrong....everyday, especially days like the one we had that morning, assure me that this is just not a process...but rather a journey...a journey with many ups and downs....days where i still sit in my bathroom at 2 am somedays and cry....and cry and cry...because it is the best time to cry...everybody is asleep and i don't have to answer to my kids or my husband...but just need to release it all.....because though I know that Amay is worth EVERYTHING....it is hard...hard to fall in love with a child that isn't biological...it is hard to look into those big brown eyes and lie sometimes and say "I love you so much"....or hard to get spit on while your other kids are watching...or hard to feel that you are a horrible person for not loving a child that wants to be loved so badly....it is all so hard.....but like my husband says and continues to say, it is all so hard for Amay too....so perhaps the right person to ask such a question to is probably Amay....so if ever somebody wants to ask "is it worth it"....ask a child who has traveled the world to a place of unknown people, language, culture just so he can have a mommy and daddy....ask the child who often cries and asks "are you ever going to send me back to the orphanage".....ask him if "it" was worth it...and if he is worth it.....maybe this question wasn't such a bad question..it was probably just asked on a horrible day....and brought up a flood of thoughts and emotions.... adoption takes every ounce of energy from every single member of the family.....it is hard to have such a bold and upfront question thrown at us.....b/c everyday we wake up to feel "normal" again.....and then, somebody asks "is it worth it?"...is WHAT worth it?...next time, just ask "is it hard?" or "how are you guys doing?"
I guess I am not sure what the point of this blogpost really is.....but I just wanted to set some things clear to people and to get things straight in my own head so i can continue to answer questions gracefully even when not asked with politically correct terms......adoption is NOT something that people do to one day say to themselves, "yeap, it was all worth it"....so please don't make us or our children feel that somehow something should feel like it was worth it or that he has to somehow prove that he is worth a "process" or that he deserves parents.....just b/c we vent about "attachment" or "grieving" or whatever the challenge is for the day shouldn't be translated to "this isn't worth it".....we all know this is hard...and knew it was going to be hard...but at any point, if you don't know what to say when an adoptive mother cries to you and says, "i don't love him"...just say "it's okay"...don't question her motives on adoption or ask if it was worth it.....it's not what we want to hear...and really, if you ask yourself that question, you realize that it doesn't make any sense at all.....nobody asked me if my bio kids were worth the 2 degenerative discs, 2 C-sections, loss of feeling in my left thigh, possible hyperthyroidism, broken tailbone, and gestational diabetes with 90% chance of my diabetes returning....
Anyhow, enough venting...and more updating....Amay is doing amazingly well....he is starting to feel secure with us and finally starting to open up to us about his past...he used to never talk about the orphanage, but now, sometimes he talks about his caretakers and his friends from the past....we are assuring him that it is okay to miss and love the orphanage and that just because he misses it doesn't mean that we will send him back......a lot of kids block out memories and fear that if they talk about what they miss, they will be sent back....but we are so glad to know that Amay is feeling secure...of course, there are days where he reacts to something and I am not sure what cord i hit, but something reminds him of something from the past and then there is no way to console him but to just let the moment pass...like the one we had earlier.....his eating is becoming a lot better....the first time i fed Amay, he ate 8 chapatis...and i gave it to him b/c i felt bad for him...but soon realized that he was just hoarding the food and eating b/c he didn't know when he would get so much food again...and then would go to sleep with a stomache...and to him, the food was well worth the stomache.....but now, we have taught him to stop eating when he is full....and though it is hard for him to say no to food, he is trying really hard and has come a long way.....what else....???....Satya is still struggling to find a spot in the family with Amay here now....somedays i feel that they are never going to figure this out...that Satya will always have some anger towards Amay for becoming his "twin" brother......but then, there are times when I KNOW in my heart, that Satya is going to come past all this and make everything work..i feel that Satya is like me in the sense that Amay makes him mad b/c he wants to love Amay so badly but is having a hard time doing it......as for me....i continue with ups and downs....somedays, i love him b/c he is a good kid....and somedays i just can't find it in my heart to even give him a hug.....but i am now more comfortable with my feelings about him....i used to be ashamed to say that i didn't love him, or that sometimes i waited for his "real" mom to come pick him up, or that often, i hid in the bathroom just so he wouldn't find me.....but now, i am proud to say that i feel what i feel and we are working through it....and i love him for the little boy he is and for all that he has endured...i look at him sometimes when he randomly says "are you my mommy?" and just want to eat him up.....b/c he asks that question as if the answer will someday change....and i answer each time with "of course, you are my baby!"...and though sometimes i love him and sometimes i don't love him, one thing is for sure...I am his mommy, and he is my baby....and that will never change.....
so if you must know and if i must answer the question...YES, he is worth every hardship we go through and will ever go through in the future..because no mother says her son isn't worth it.....so the question isn't if if it is worth it...b/c sure there are days where we feel it is too much to deal with and that our lives before the adoption were a lot easier and more "normal"..but that doesn't for a second mean that it isn't worth it.the question should be whether or not we are up for the challenge...and often it's okay to say it's too much to handle...that's why i don't advocate adoption...some families can handle one biological child, while others can handle 5 adopted special needs children...and it's all okay.....but that doesn't mean our orphans are not worth it.....every child is worth it...it's about what we are willing to handle....so as for me, there isn't enough 4 year old spit in the world that would make me believe that our orphans aren't worth it......because every child deserves a mommy and daddy.....PERIOD!
That same morning of that horrible question, I had asked Amay to pick up the cards he had thrown on the floor...and 4 year old Amay screamed "No!"....so I asked again, "Amay, please pick up your cards" only to have him scream "No!" again...so I said, "fine, don't pick them up"....and before I can even walk away, he kicked me in my leg, and starting hitting me....not just one slap...but started punching me all over....not sure what had triggered him, i just walked away and didn't respond....(thanks to my therapist, i am better able to handle situations like this where initially i just want to start yelling and screaming back at him)...but this time, i just walked away....and that made it worst...he came after me and bit me in my stomach.....and then grabbed my hair and dragged me around the kitchen.....and though at that point I wanted to react, I just didn't know what to do..especially because Satya and Sita were both watching the terror....and so once again, i just let this play out...and finally he started spitting at me......at which point I grabbed him and put him in time-out....and he started to cry really loud and desperately cried, "mommy, please please please kiss me...!"...and you can probably imagine the look on my face..i was disgusted, surprised, angry, and thinking "there is no way in h-ll i am going to kiss you after all that"....seriously, did he just ask me to kiss him after that...?....
Anyhow, that night, i discussed with Sunny what had happened...and of course, as usual, my husband knew how to respond and had figured it out...that by me disapproving of his behavior somehow made Amay feel that I was rejecting him...and if I said, "fine, don't do it" it meant that i didn't care what he did and what he didn't do...and that didn't sit well with Amay...he needs to know that Mommy cares at all times...even when he doesn't do what i tell him to do...and this was probably not the time to just walk away from him.....but believe me...i was caught in the moment...so much at that point that i had gone to my days where i used to think that I was done babysitting him and I was ready for his "real" mom to pick him up.....
Anyhow, going back to "is it worth it?".....i am sure that most of you who have adopted agree with me when I say that just because we have adopted a child, we are not advocates of it and don't think that everybody should go out there and adopt a child because it is the thing to do...absolutely not....adopting a child is not the answer to a "human crisis"....but is an option for those who want to help the human crisis AND want to parent a child...it has to be both.....so when i am asked "is it worth it", it makes me believe that people think that adoption is something that is just a process of endless paperwork and then a child arrives and you decide if the child was worth the loads of money and process....nope....you have it wrong....everyday, especially days like the one we had that morning, assure me that this is just not a process...but rather a journey...a journey with many ups and downs....days where i still sit in my bathroom at 2 am somedays and cry....and cry and cry...because it is the best time to cry...everybody is asleep and i don't have to answer to my kids or my husband...but just need to release it all.....because though I know that Amay is worth EVERYTHING....it is hard...hard to fall in love with a child that isn't biological...it is hard to look into those big brown eyes and lie sometimes and say "I love you so much"....or hard to get spit on while your other kids are watching...or hard to feel that you are a horrible person for not loving a child that wants to be loved so badly....it is all so hard.....but like my husband says and continues to say, it is all so hard for Amay too....so perhaps the right person to ask such a question to is probably Amay....so if ever somebody wants to ask "is it worth it"....ask a child who has traveled the world to a place of unknown people, language, culture just so he can have a mommy and daddy....ask the child who often cries and asks "are you ever going to send me back to the orphanage".....ask him if "it" was worth it...and if he is worth it.....maybe this question wasn't such a bad question..it was probably just asked on a horrible day....and brought up a flood of thoughts and emotions.... adoption takes every ounce of energy from every single member of the family.....it is hard to have such a bold and upfront question thrown at us.....b/c everyday we wake up to feel "normal" again.....and then, somebody asks "is it worth it?"...is WHAT worth it?...next time, just ask "is it hard?" or "how are you guys doing?"
I guess I am not sure what the point of this blogpost really is.....but I just wanted to set some things clear to people and to get things straight in my own head so i can continue to answer questions gracefully even when not asked with politically correct terms......adoption is NOT something that people do to one day say to themselves, "yeap, it was all worth it"....so please don't make us or our children feel that somehow something should feel like it was worth it or that he has to somehow prove that he is worth a "process" or that he deserves parents.....just b/c we vent about "attachment" or "grieving" or whatever the challenge is for the day shouldn't be translated to "this isn't worth it".....we all know this is hard...and knew it was going to be hard...but at any point, if you don't know what to say when an adoptive mother cries to you and says, "i don't love him"...just say "it's okay"...don't question her motives on adoption or ask if it was worth it.....it's not what we want to hear...and really, if you ask yourself that question, you realize that it doesn't make any sense at all.....nobody asked me if my bio kids were worth the 2 degenerative discs, 2 C-sections, loss of feeling in my left thigh, possible hyperthyroidism, broken tailbone, and gestational diabetes with 90% chance of my diabetes returning....
Anyhow, enough venting...and more updating....Amay is doing amazingly well....he is starting to feel secure with us and finally starting to open up to us about his past...he used to never talk about the orphanage, but now, sometimes he talks about his caretakers and his friends from the past....we are assuring him that it is okay to miss and love the orphanage and that just because he misses it doesn't mean that we will send him back......a lot of kids block out memories and fear that if they talk about what they miss, they will be sent back....but we are so glad to know that Amay is feeling secure...of course, there are days where he reacts to something and I am not sure what cord i hit, but something reminds him of something from the past and then there is no way to console him but to just let the moment pass...like the one we had earlier.....his eating is becoming a lot better....the first time i fed Amay, he ate 8 chapatis...and i gave it to him b/c i felt bad for him...but soon realized that he was just hoarding the food and eating b/c he didn't know when he would get so much food again...and then would go to sleep with a stomache...and to him, the food was well worth the stomache.....but now, we have taught him to stop eating when he is full....and though it is hard for him to say no to food, he is trying really hard and has come a long way.....what else....???....Satya is still struggling to find a spot in the family with Amay here now....somedays i feel that they are never going to figure this out...that Satya will always have some anger towards Amay for becoming his "twin" brother......but then, there are times when I KNOW in my heart, that Satya is going to come past all this and make everything work..i feel that Satya is like me in the sense that Amay makes him mad b/c he wants to love Amay so badly but is having a hard time doing it......as for me....i continue with ups and downs....somedays, i love him b/c he is a good kid....and somedays i just can't find it in my heart to even give him a hug.....but i am now more comfortable with my feelings about him....i used to be ashamed to say that i didn't love him, or that sometimes i waited for his "real" mom to come pick him up, or that often, i hid in the bathroom just so he wouldn't find me.....but now, i am proud to say that i feel what i feel and we are working through it....and i love him for the little boy he is and for all that he has endured...i look at him sometimes when he randomly says "are you my mommy?" and just want to eat him up.....b/c he asks that question as if the answer will someday change....and i answer each time with "of course, you are my baby!"...and though sometimes i love him and sometimes i don't love him, one thing is for sure...I am his mommy, and he is my baby....and that will never change.....
so if you must know and if i must answer the question...YES, he is worth every hardship we go through and will ever go through in the future..because no mother says her son isn't worth it.....so the question isn't if if it is worth it...b/c sure there are days where we feel it is too much to deal with and that our lives before the adoption were a lot easier and more "normal"..but that doesn't for a second mean that it isn't worth it.the question should be whether or not we are up for the challenge...and often it's okay to say it's too much to handle...that's why i don't advocate adoption...some families can handle one biological child, while others can handle 5 adopted special needs children...and it's all okay.....but that doesn't mean our orphans are not worth it.....every child is worth it...it's about what we are willing to handle....so as for me, there isn't enough 4 year old spit in the world that would make me believe that our orphans aren't worth it......because every child deserves a mommy and daddy.....PERIOD!
