I don't know how.....

 To My Son:

I don't know how to look at you and not see another mother's face in those big black eyes of yours....
I don't know how to hold you without a little distance between us....
I don't know how to love you without wanting our first 4 years together...
I don't know how to look at your baby pictures and not continue to imagine what you must have been like...
I don't know how not to be angry at you for sometimes making me feel "not enough" as a mom
I don't know how to hold your hand without feeling the burden of "forever"
I don't know how to be enough when I know I can't give you anymore....
I don't know how to stop thinking about how often I fall short of what you deserve...
I don't know how to heal your heart without thinking about where you've been and how hard things must have been...
I don't know how to cry it out, because the pain seems to never go away, of knowing what darkness is in your heart...
I don't know how to tell myself that it is okay that I will now be the Mom that can't  make everything better for my child...because I can't change the beginning of your story.....
I don't know why I love you so much, but don't want to feel any of it.....because you give "tough love" a whole new meaning...
I don't know why I continue to feel guilty for not having come earlier....
I don't know why I love you so much despite how bumpy our road is...
I don't know how I became your mother, and you my son....

I know when you look at me, you don't see another mother's face..you only see me...
I know that when you hug me, you never feel a distance between us...
I know that you don't miss our first 4 years together, but cherish our time now..
I know that you  feel angry sometimes too for not knowing where you belong...
I know that when you hold my hand, it is "forever"
I know that you don't think that I am "not enough"...but only that I am your mother...
I know that you don't expect me to heal your heart, just want me to love you despite your wounds..
I know that you don't want me to cry it out, rather, cry with you and soothe you...
I know that you don't want me to change the beginning of your story, but just want me to be there for the rest of it...
I know that you aren't mad that I didn't come earlier, just happy that I came..
I know that you know how you became my son, because you dreamt me into your life and I dreamt you into mine...



I don't know how to define our relationship or the love that we share, but I know that my life is incomplete without you....I am sorry for my own shortcomings as a mother, but I hope that you continue to think that I am enough....because you and I are "forever"! 








 

Happy Birthday Amay!

As life continues to get busy, it has become extremely hard to write posts when they are due....Amay's birthday was June 22nd and we had a wonderful day.  A week before, I talked to him about his birthday:

Me: Amay, your birthday is coming up.  Do you know what that means?
Amay: Yes, I am going back to India!
Me:  Why would you go back to India?
Amay: I am going to go see my other mom?
Me: Amay, you know we don't know where she is, right. But if you ever did get a chance to meet her, what would you do or say?
Amay: I just want to say Hi and give her a hug, BUT then I am coming right back to YOU!
Me: (holding back tears) I'm happy you will come back to me.

As this year passes for him and our whole family, there is not much more to say but that we celebrate Amay's birth into this world.  I am so happy to be his mother and though I often mourn the biological absence, I am blessed to have him in my life.  My husband used to tell me that there was a song that reminded him of Amay when he listened to it when Amay first came to America..  And now, this song has become Amay's story.  When my heart becomes heavy for him, I listen to this song.  So on his birthday, I thought about my Amay and this song.  "Nothing is given except the ties that hold us together, Lay down your Load, because everyday it's gonna grow.....You are shielded by the hands of love"


Fearful child have faith in brighter days,
Stay until this darkness fades away,
Lie still beside me, I'll hold you now, I'll hold you forever.
Winters hand will freeze your heart again,
Doors will close no time to start again,
Nothing is given except the ties that hold us together,
Lay down your Load, because everyday it's gonna grow,
And busk in the sunshine, try to pay no mind, try to pay no mind at all,
To all the things that you don't know, you've got time to realise,
You're shielded by the hands of love,
Cause you are young,
Fading light may make a fool of me,
Courage fails strength slips away from me,
Lie still beside me, and hold me now, and hold me forever.
Lay down your Load, because everyday it's gonna grow,
These days are sacred, hey now don't be scared, baby don't be scared at
All,
Of all the things that you don't know,
You've got time to realise, You're shielded by the hands of love,
Cause you are young,
You've got time you gotta try, to bring some good into this world,
Cause you are young, Cause you are young
Ohhh...
Cause you are young

Happy Birthday to my son.  Thank you for letting me be your mom and for giving me time to learn to be perfect for you.  I love you and I promise to shield you by the hands of love.
 

Adoption One Year Journey: The good, the bad, and the ugly....

It has been one year since the day I met my son Amay....it was a very very hot day in India when I walked into his orphanage with my older son Satya...Satya and I were very nervous, but excited...to finally meet our Amay...the little boy we talked about and thought about every day since our agency matched us with him....and as we walked to the second floor of his orphanage in Pune, there he was....starring out the window....almost symbolically...as if he was waiting for me all these years...and as I called his name, he looked and smiled at me....he didn't waste another minute without his mom...he smiled and gave me a hug..and little did we know that this little boy was not only going to be a part of our family, but he was going to change our entire lives in one short year......

Here we are as a family one year later....and as Amay's "gotcha day" approached, i couldn't help but think about this entire past year and all the ups, downs and everything in between we have gone through as a family...and if there is one thing i can say about adoption, it is that there is no other journey like this one...there is no other journey that is going to make you feel as menopausal as this one will...because one day you will be happy, the next day you will have post-adoption blues, and another day you will wake up with hot flashes, and then a few minutes later you will be smiling at your little boy that you just yelled at a few seconds earlier.....Good, Bad, and sometimes very Ugly...

The Good:  The good days are the days that you are waiting for your child to come home...you might think these were the bad days, but looking back now, you realize they were pretty good...because you had nothing but love in your heart...love and pure desire to bring your child home......your heart aches, but in a good way...you miss him, you love him, and though he isn't your blood, your entire existence feels empty without this child whom you only know in a picture....but he is yours....and all is good.....and then more good days come....you meet him, and you bring him home....and there will be days where you won't have to try or fake things ....sometimes you will love him naturally...and sometimes you will kiss and hug him without even thinking about it.....and you will feel like a good person again....and things will feel good......

The Bad:  The bad days are the days of endless paperwork....by endless, i mean dozens of copies of the same passport picture...and then renewal of the fingerprints....because maybe, in some warped world, fingerprints change in 6 months...so the agency asks you to RENEW your fingerprints...seriously?....are they really asking me to do this?....but at this point, you will pee in a cup and give them your stool sample and get checked for HIV over and over again and get pricked for TB, and send in all your letters of recommendations, and your letter of who plans to take care of this child in case you die...and the list goes on and on....the bad days are also the days after you bring your child home...and you realize that you don't love your child...the child that you longed to bring home...the child that you cried for every night....that child....you don't love.....you sometimes don't even like him....but books told you to fake it, so you do.....and bad days are those days where you hide in the bathroom so he can't find you...just so you can have a minute to think about your family that used to be before your new addition came along......and bad days are when your bio kids start acting out because they too are having a hard time with the addition......and you realize, this child is going to change your way of living.....bad days are when you feel like a horrible mother....how does a mother not love a child that so badly longs to be loved?...how?....and these days will feel like really bad days....and then someone will ask you "is it worth it?"...and if you read my earlier post on that question, you will want to punch somebody in the face.....those will be your bad days....

The Ugly:  Sometimes the bad days feel like they can't get worst...but they might....and for a lot of us, they did.....you will find yourself crying in the middle of the night..sobbing in the bathroom as the rest of the family sleeps....not because you are sad, or mad, or lonely....but because you are confused and tired.......and just feel horrible....it feels like you can't do anything right for this child...maybe you weren't meant to be his mother.....and you feel that everybody is doing okay except for you...and that God messed up and matched you with a child you can't take care of...that you are just a horrible person and a horrible mother and can't understand how your heart has hardened.....and that everybody is watching you...judging you...laughing at you.....you try over and over to love, to be patient....and just when you think you get it, your child starts grieving...and it won't be a grieving where he cries once in awhile...no, it will be where he starts draggin you around the house with your hair, and he will kick you and spit at you and cry bloody murder......and you won't know what to do...so you will yell at him and do EVERYTHING the adoption books told you NOT to do...you will yell, you will put him in time-out, and both of you will be in survival mode....and very quickly your bad days become the ugly days.......

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly......and then there is The Perfect....the good, the bad, the ugly, and the perfect....the perfect moments are the moments that are going to get you through all the other moments.....and the perfect moments are going to be the moments that are going to make everything worth it......the perfect moments are when you will sneek into your son's room so you can watch him sleep...and you will cry.....watching your little boy sleep in his warm bed with his brother snuggled next to him...and you will watch and realize how perfect he is....and how beautiful he is...and you will cry because you hate that you missed his first four years.....you will grieve not being his biological mother...and though it might feel bad, these moments will be perfect.....you will feel like a good mother again.....love will seep back into your heart during these moments and you will remember why you started this journey in the beginning....your child will take your hand and one day while being in the ICU for 10 days without food for 100 hours, he will say "all i want is mommy to love me and hold my hand"....and it will feel perfect.....and during these perfect moments, your heart will ache for the other children you saw at the orphanage who are waiting....the children you consciously forgot about because your new additon was making things so hard that you didn't want to think about the others....but perfect will be when you will cry for these other children and your heart will ache again....and it will be perfect when you realize that you are not only a good mother, but you are his mother.....this little boy is your son.....and no matter what you do or what you think you fail to do for him....to him, YOU are perfect.....

Our perfect moments as a family have been nothing short of miraculous...we have watched our little Amay grow into a phenomenal boy in one short year....and i have never sugar coated our journey....and i will not say that this past year has been perfect or easy...it has been far from that.....many tears have been shed from every single member of the family....from me to my youngest daughter Sitara...everybody has felt the impact of this journey.....but we have gone through perfect moments that are hard to forget.....and moments that have felt like they were meant to be....moments where i have looked at Amay and have felt his entire past in his lost eyes......and moments where we knew that our decision to adopt Amay was perfect!

Today, one year later, Amay is doing amazing...he is a completely different boy than we brought home a year ago....he came to us confused, sad, angry, and often lost....but today, he is ambitious, happy, secure, confident, loving, and absolutely precious.....this past year has taught us so much about ourselves, our family, our lives, and our purpose...and one year later, we are proud to have our Amay home with us.....we love him so much and are truly grateful for God's plan for our family.....

Thank you so much to all of our friends and family and blog followers for your encouragment, kindless, love, and inspiration. Thank you for being a part of our journey...and most of all, thank you to my beautiful and amazing husband for believing in me as a mother...for always reminding me that i am stronger than i think i am and when i think i can't love anymore, he proves me wrong....i love you Sunny for who you are and for my three incredible children...thank you!!!!

Good Morning "Kid", Goodnight My Son!

It's been almost 9 months since we brought Amay home....and though at first I thought that the waiting period was similiar to 9 months of pregnancy, I now realize that these first 9 months of him being at home have been more like being pregnant with him......the first three months with him made me nauteous....just like my other 2 kids did in my tummy.....i had morning sickness to say the least...I woke up every morning feeling sick to my tummy.....and it was exactly how i felt when I was pregnant.....thinking to myself, why did i want this kid so badly....he makes me feel sick.....and yeap, i felt the same during pregnacy...there were often times that my 2 bio kids made me feel so sick in my tummy that i thought exactly that....and frankly speaking, it was just a matter of getting used to....during pregnacy, my stomach was trying to get used to the hormonal changes that often made me throw up merely at the smell of certain things....and with Amay, the first three months was very similiar...I was getting used to the sight of him, the feel of him, and even the smell of him...I had mentioned in my earlier posts that sometimes it felt wierd to wipe his "snot" or to clean him after he had used the bathroom....b/c often, it just felt "unnatural"......and as the end of the "pregnancy" has come, i feel excited for what the future holds for us....his touch feels more natural, his new "baby" scent is something i am now getting used to....and though he is 4 years old, he is still my little baby that i need to nurture like an infant.....he often lays in my lap and curls up in fetal position...wanting so badly to be a part of everything i am...he touches me as if he has never touched another person before...he holds me as if he is on the top of a mountain about to fall off and he needs to hold on for dear life....and he smiles at me as if nothing else matters but that i love him....and with every touch, every hug, and every smile, my heart breaks into a thousand pieces...b/c frankly, it is a lot of pressure....i am everything to this child, and to me, sometimes he is just a kid and sometimes he is MY kid.....though that statement might feel a bit insensitive, i am not one to sugarcoat anything.....regardless of who he is and where he comes from, i love him.....so very much....i just wished that loving him wouldn't take so much energy out of me.....there are days where i try to not look into his eyes, b/c i know his big dark eyes will take me to a place where i don't want to go....and if i stare long enough, i will shatter and fall apart....if i look hard enough, i see my little Amay in the cot at the orphanage all curled up without anybody to love...without anybody to hold...without anybody but himself....and i don't want to stare at him that long...b/c i don't want to hurt the way i know he has hurt.......but as his mom, i have to go there...i have to heal his wounds...but I don't know how...and that makes me feel unfit and vulnerable as his mom...how does a mom not know how to heal her child?....when he hits me or pinches me or does something unexpected, why can't i just look into his eyes and remember that he comes from a hard place..?...why do i keep letting myself forget.....i keep telling myself that nothing bad has happened to Amay...that he is fine and he is going to be fine...that his first 4 years were fine and he is just a regular toddler with regular tantrums....but I NEED to stop saying that to myself....i need to let my heart come to terms with his past and accept the fact that my son comes from a hard past...and that my son might never heal from it...and that his first 4 years were more influential in his life than i will probably ever be......and if i try to make him a "normal" kid because it makes me feel less hurt, i am just hurting him more....by not giving him the attention that he needs.....

I know that this isn't a sprint...adoption is a marathon.....and i am in it for the long journey...but every morning, i wake up and start sprinting....i don't know why i keep sprinting during this marathon...b/c i am out of breath.....so out of breath that i can barely talk to anybody anymore.....i need to slow down.....i need to pace myself.....one hurdle at a time.....ONE. HURDLE. AT. A. TIME.!!!!

Since the day we brought Amay home, things have been tough for me..on an emotional level....love him, in love with him, annoyed, love, more love..more annoyance...sad, sad for him, pity for him, pity for me....and the list goes on....but for those moms out there in my boat...feeling what i am feeling...i am here to tell you that things get better with time.....you won't always feel like a horrible mom...or a horrible person...and you will come to love this kid....who also happens to be your child.....

the first few months with Amay, i used to wake up dreading having him come into my room...b/c first of all, i am not a morning person so i don't want any kid coming into my room at 6 am whining "mommy!"...but to have Amay come in was different....as soon as he said "mommy" i would hide under my covers wondering "who is this kid and why is he calling me mommy?"....and every morning i had to remind myself that he isn't just any kid, he is my son...but who does that?...what mom has to take time to remind herself that she now has another child....these are the "unnatural" parts of adoption...that sometimes you go to sleep and forget in the morning that you have a child.....maybe he can call me "aunt" for a while is what i used to think....i didn't want the pressure of being a mom for him....by him saying "mommy" it automatically meant we had exchanged vows...to love and hold til death do us apart...that i would care for him and love him unconditionally no matter what happened.....and wow, that was a lot...from going to a whole bunch of paperwork where you were the "adoptive parent" to a kid crying and whining at 6 am calling you "mommy!"...let's take a step back....wait, let's take a whole mile back....so, as the wierd mom i am, i thought of fun ways where i would be happy to see him in the morning...i changed his pajamas to something cute..i wasn't fond of his yellow spongebob pajamas...i didn't like them, and surely, i thought that if i changed his pajamas to something cute, it would make me love him more in the mornings....and no, it didn't work...i still woke up every morning thinking good morning "kid?"....and went to sleep saying good night "kid"....

Now, 9 months later...i still wake up every morning thinking Good morning "kid?"...and i start my day with the awkward feeling of who is this kid in my house...and as the day goes on, he touches me and i remember that he is my son...and he says "i luv you" and my heart melts...and he hugs me and becomes limp in my arms....and by the time it is noon, i am reminded that this "kid" is my SON...MY SON...my beautiful, incredible, resilient, awesome, loving, hurt, wounded, insecure, but MINE....and so as the day goes on, we have our moments where i get angry at him..and moments where i am not sure how to deal with him...and moments where i wish i could reverse time and had not missed 4 years of his life...and moments where i want to look into his eyes and see all the pain....and moments where i am so busy with all the kids that i know i can't look into his eyes b/c crying a river isn't part of the schedule for the day...and moments where he cries uncontrollably...moments where i feel that everybody is doing better with him than me...and i am supposed to be his mother....and moments where he hits me and pulls my pants down to get my attention (yeah, happened today and i give you the okay to laugh about it!)..and moments where i have run out of answers...and as a mother, i should never run out of answers, right?...but that is what adoption is all about.....so to those mothers out there who have reached out to me numerous times about their struggles....i want to say that adoption makes us feel vulnerable and incompetent at times....but at the same time, it humbles us....and that is what Amay does...he humbles me....by letting me know that i don't have all the answers...and it is okay.....b/c he doesn't want me to have all the answers..he just wants to know i love him even when he pulls my pants down when he gets mad...i do still love him, i just need to be better at showing him....so now, 9 months later, as he sleeps in his bedroom while i write this, i say to him "goodnight my son, sweet dreams..."...and in the morning he will probably be just a "kid" again....but i will continue to fight until this kid never feels like a kid to me again...just my son...every morning and every night.....that is why he is here....to have a mother every morning and every night.....good night my dear son!!!

The Perfect Storm

We started off 2012 in anticipation of bringing our son Amay home from India....After receiving his picture in November of 2011, we were quite excited to finally meet him and bring him home....needless to say, 2012 was a year full of lots of anxiety....and just an uncomfortable feeling of an incomplete family....of a "son" that we now had a picture of, but still no real memoris with...in mid April, we received a call that Amay was ready to come home, and a few days later, we were headed to India...and of course, only a week after that, he had joined our family....and now, fast forward to 2013, and here he is...sleeping in his new bunk bed with his brother in his room as I sit to take a minute to write this post....we certainly have had our ups and downs with Amay....and for those of you who have kept up with my blog, you are quite aware that I have struggled immensely with being Amay's mom....many times, I have felt that I have failed him....sometimes I even greived that he wasn't born in my tummy...books always informed me that adoptive moms will also grieve the loss of having had this child in her tummy..and at first, I thought that was a bit silly...but i have gone through that grievance.....and i have cried wanting him to have been born to me.....so that i feel like I am his mother..his only mother...and that i don't ever have to feel guilty knowing that somebody (his biological mother) could have definitely loved him more than I do....how it would have hurt her knowing that I struggle to love her "son" the way I know she would have naturally loved him.....but so, everybody struggles....but I am proud to say that regardless of how i may often fail him...i love him so much.....i read some of my older posts and i can feel those days where in my heart i just didn't want to love him....but today, i am proud to say that i love him...he has been resilient...and he has been strong...and every time I pushed him away, he pushed toward me even harder....and when I let go of his hug a second too early, he held on for a few more seconds...and his need for a mother has made me want to love him more....who cares if he wasn't in my tummy.....he is now in my heart....and so what if i have days where it is too hard....every mom has days like that...adoptive or biological....

Anyhow, it has been awhile since I have written about how Amay is doing and how the whole family is coming together...so I would like to take you back to a few months ago when Amay's appendix burst.....a time in our journey that I call "The Perfect Storm".....

It was Saturday evening, when Sunny and I had a night to ourselves and we were headed to a holiday party for Sunny's work...and as usual,when we are without the kids, we end up talking about the kids.....I was telling Sunny how I am feeling a lot closer to Amay and that my relationship with Amay is getting a lot better and I am starting to feel like a good mother to him....as our conversation progressed, I confided in Sunny that there are times where I still feel like it is too hard...and that I needed to know if what I was feeling was normal, and i just needed to bond a little more with him, and need to know if Amay was happy with us.....and I wanted Amay to trust us more....and finally, we ended our conversation with me telling Sunny that I was tired...tired of parenting..three toddlers was just a bit too much....and though I love being with them, I just want to be on vacation with my husband...and I asked Sunny if it was okay to be selfish because I was tired....and though the faces of those orphans at Amay's orphanage come to me EVERY single day, I wanted to forget those faces...and forget the hands that reached out to hold me hoping that I would be the mom they had been waiting for...only to see those sad faces when I walked out with Amay's hand only.....and left behind the other 50 or so kids..and at that time, I promised that I would be back for another...and now, here I was......and I said, "sunny, is it okay to never think about the orphans again and just want to live my life....because I am tired and want to be on vacation..."...in hindsight, this conversation sounds ridiculous, but I guess it proves how tired I must have felt to have had those words come out of my mouth....and Sunny said, "it just depends on what you think the purpose of your life is...".....

And then, "The Perfect Storm" hit....though Sunny and I are not the most religious people in the world, I do believe that this perfect storm was God's answers to all my questions.....the perfect storm hit the next morning, when Amay's appendix burst....and though a normal kid would have cried in pain, Amay did not do that...he lay in bed with tears rolling down his eyes while he bit his lower lip until it bled...and my 3 year old came down to tell me that Amay was crying...and we headed to the emergency room which then led us to 10 days at the ICU....and it was then, that all my questions had been answered..Amay did not trust me enough to know that if he told mommy that his pain was unbearable, mommy would take care of it...so he lay there in pain soothing himself....but 10 days at the ICU were a blessing in disguise...it was during those 10 days that I got the time that I so badly needed with Amay...without the hustle and bustle of life...of being a stay at home mom of 3 toddlers....it was then that i could just lay there with him and let him know that we were here to stay ....that mommy and daddy promise to make everything better to the best of their ability...he asked if he was going back to the orphanage after the hospital stay...and it broke my heart...to know that even after 8 months, he didn't know where he belonged...and it was then, that we knew we had to do better...that we needed him to know that he wasn't just a child we adopted...he was our son...and he was now a part of our family...and that we needed him as much as he needed us......he spend about 70 hours without any food or liquid...and when I asked him if he wanted anything at all, he said, "yes mommy, i just want you to love me and hold my hand..."...if it wasn't at that moment that God had come down and slapped me awake, I don't know what else could have done the job...because His answer was as clear as it could be..it was God saying, "NO!, you can't just forget those faces of those kids at the orphanage...."....because they don't need food or clothes, they need love....they need a family...they need a mommy and daddy...and it's not only what they need, it is what they want...even a four year old will forget that he hasn't eaten for the past 70 hours when his need for his mom's love is greater...and though maybe not everybody can adopt a child, it is still our duty as a society to know the importance of spreading the word...and doing our part.....and I truly don't know if we will ever go back for another child....i hope and pray that i can find the strength that i need to do this all over again....regardless of how tiring and often emotional it may be....but even if i don't go back..i know that God wants us to never forget....never forget the faces of the children who long for a family...and just pray for them.....pray that even if we can't be the ones to adopt them at this moment, that somewhere, somebody else will....

Thank You God for the Perfect Storm..10 days at the ICU were tough....but I now know how it was part of the plan to help us gain the strength and faith we needed to get back on this journey....

Welcome 2013....we look forward to many more memories with our wonderful additon to this family...we truly couldn't feel more blessed and more excited than we do now.....there still are many days where i feel overwhelmed, stressed, incapable, and confused by all the emotions this journey of adoption presents....but everyday, i feel blessed that Amay is part of my life...that he has seeped into my heart and has taught me what life is all about....a four year old has taught me something my past 30 years of life couldn't teach me...he has taught me that there is nothing greater than love.......all we need is love.......I am so blessed that he has chosen me to be his mom....he has chosen me to love him.....and for him to love me....God bless my family and yours....with love...this new year 2013!!!!!