The Perfect Storm

We started off 2012 in anticipation of bringing our son Amay home from India....After receiving his picture in November of 2011, we were quite excited to finally meet him and bring him home....needless to say, 2012 was a year full of lots of anxiety....and just an uncomfortable feeling of an incomplete family....of a "son" that we now had a picture of, but still no real memoris with...in mid April, we received a call that Amay was ready to come home, and a few days later, we were headed to India...and of course, only a week after that, he had joined our family....and now, fast forward to 2013, and here he is...sleeping in his new bunk bed with his brother in his room as I sit to take a minute to write this post....we certainly have had our ups and downs with Amay....and for those of you who have kept up with my blog, you are quite aware that I have struggled immensely with being Amay's mom....many times, I have felt that I have failed him....sometimes I even greived that he wasn't born in my tummy...books always informed me that adoptive moms will also grieve the loss of having had this child in her tummy..and at first, I thought that was a bit silly...but i have gone through that grievance.....and i have cried wanting him to have been born to me.....so that i feel like I am his mother..his only mother...and that i don't ever have to feel guilty knowing that somebody (his biological mother) could have definitely loved him more than I do....how it would have hurt her knowing that I struggle to love her "son" the way I know she would have naturally loved him.....but so, everybody struggles....but I am proud to say that regardless of how i may often fail him...i love him so much.....i read some of my older posts and i can feel those days where in my heart i just didn't want to love him....but today, i am proud to say that i love him...he has been resilient...and he has been strong...and every time I pushed him away, he pushed toward me even harder....and when I let go of his hug a second too early, he held on for a few more seconds...and his need for a mother has made me want to love him more....who cares if he wasn't in my tummy.....he is now in my heart....and so what if i have days where it is too hard....every mom has days like that...adoptive or biological....

Anyhow, it has been awhile since I have written about how Amay is doing and how the whole family is coming together...so I would like to take you back to a few months ago when Amay's appendix burst.....a time in our journey that I call "The Perfect Storm".....

It was Saturday evening, when Sunny and I had a night to ourselves and we were headed to a holiday party for Sunny's work...and as usual,when we are without the kids, we end up talking about the kids.....I was telling Sunny how I am feeling a lot closer to Amay and that my relationship with Amay is getting a lot better and I am starting to feel like a good mother to him....as our conversation progressed, I confided in Sunny that there are times where I still feel like it is too hard...and that I needed to know if what I was feeling was normal, and i just needed to bond a little more with him, and need to know if Amay was happy with us.....and I wanted Amay to trust us more....and finally, we ended our conversation with me telling Sunny that I was tired...tired of parenting..three toddlers was just a bit too much....and though I love being with them, I just want to be on vacation with my husband...and I asked Sunny if it was okay to be selfish because I was tired....and though the faces of those orphans at Amay's orphanage come to me EVERY single day, I wanted to forget those faces...and forget the hands that reached out to hold me hoping that I would be the mom they had been waiting for...only to see those sad faces when I walked out with Amay's hand only.....and left behind the other 50 or so kids..and at that time, I promised that I would be back for another...and now, here I was......and I said, "sunny, is it okay to never think about the orphans again and just want to live my life....because I am tired and want to be on vacation..."...in hindsight, this conversation sounds ridiculous, but I guess it proves how tired I must have felt to have had those words come out of my mouth....and Sunny said, "it just depends on what you think the purpose of your life is...".....

And then, "The Perfect Storm" hit....though Sunny and I are not the most religious people in the world, I do believe that this perfect storm was God's answers to all my questions.....the perfect storm hit the next morning, when Amay's appendix burst....and though a normal kid would have cried in pain, Amay did not do that...he lay in bed with tears rolling down his eyes while he bit his lower lip until it bled...and my 3 year old came down to tell me that Amay was crying...and we headed to the emergency room which then led us to 10 days at the ICU....and it was then, that all my questions had been answered..Amay did not trust me enough to know that if he told mommy that his pain was unbearable, mommy would take care of it...so he lay there in pain soothing himself....but 10 days at the ICU were a blessing in disguise...it was during those 10 days that I got the time that I so badly needed with Amay...without the hustle and bustle of life...of being a stay at home mom of 3 toddlers....it was then that i could just lay there with him and let him know that we were here to stay ....that mommy and daddy promise to make everything better to the best of their ability...he asked if he was going back to the orphanage after the hospital stay...and it broke my heart...to know that even after 8 months, he didn't know where he belonged...and it was then, that we knew we had to do better...that we needed him to know that he wasn't just a child we adopted...he was our son...and he was now a part of our family...and that we needed him as much as he needed us......he spend about 70 hours without any food or liquid...and when I asked him if he wanted anything at all, he said, "yes mommy, i just want you to love me and hold my hand..."...if it wasn't at that moment that God had come down and slapped me awake, I don't know what else could have done the job...because His answer was as clear as it could be..it was God saying, "NO!, you can't just forget those faces of those kids at the orphanage...."....because they don't need food or clothes, they need love....they need a family...they need a mommy and daddy...and it's not only what they need, it is what they want...even a four year old will forget that he hasn't eaten for the past 70 hours when his need for his mom's love is greater...and though maybe not everybody can adopt a child, it is still our duty as a society to know the importance of spreading the word...and doing our part.....and I truly don't know if we will ever go back for another child....i hope and pray that i can find the strength that i need to do this all over again....regardless of how tiring and often emotional it may be....but even if i don't go back..i know that God wants us to never forget....never forget the faces of the children who long for a family...and just pray for them.....pray that even if we can't be the ones to adopt them at this moment, that somewhere, somebody else will....

Thank You God for the Perfect Storm..10 days at the ICU were tough....but I now know how it was part of the plan to help us gain the strength and faith we needed to get back on this journey....

Welcome 2013....we look forward to many more memories with our wonderful additon to this family...we truly couldn't feel more blessed and more excited than we do now.....there still are many days where i feel overwhelmed, stressed, incapable, and confused by all the emotions this journey of adoption presents....but everyday, i feel blessed that Amay is part of my life...that he has seeped into my heart and has taught me what life is all about....a four year old has taught me something my past 30 years of life couldn't teach me...he has taught me that there is nothing greater than love.......all we need is love.......I am so blessed that he has chosen me to be his mom....he has chosen me to love him.....and for him to love me....God bless my family and yours....with love...this new year 2013!!!!!