Being fake is sometimes a good thing.....

For those of you who know me, you probably know that being fake is not my style....it is a character in people that I can't stand and it is something that I have vowed never to be...being fake is a waste of my time and frankly, i don't care for it....SO, that being said, when adoptive moms and adoptive books continued to tell me to "fake" my love for my son to make things easier and to ignore my feelings, i initially thought it was a horrible way to start a relationship with Amay...after all, who thinks that the secret to a healthy relationship is dishonesty....but friends, after 6 LONG months of letting my heart guide me in this journey, I have surrendered and realized that being fake isn't so bad after all...actually, it is a good thing....and even just a week of being fake, I have realized how much easier things could be....and sometimes, you can even trick your heart to believing some of your feelings are genuine.....and so, as I continue to hug and kiss Amay even at times when i don't genuinely feel it, i must say that it has been a great thing.....Amay has the biggest smile on his face which in turn has made me feel like a good mother...not to say that I don't love him....but sometimes in adoption, love doesn't always come naturally....and so sometimes, you have to fake it....but i guess not everything we do for our kids is genuine, right?...I mean, I often tell my 5 year old son that I LOVE playing superheroes with him all day and that it makes me so happy....i do love to spend time with my son, but DREAD playing superheroes....but i often fake the smile on my face as I pretend Ironman is about to go partner with Incredible Hulk to rid the bad guys.......so really, what mom isn't fake once in awhile..?

I guess the struggle for me was trying to be someone I wasn't comfortable with...I hate the feeling of being fake....most of you probably know me as an emotional thinker...i think and live my life emotionally and let my heart guide me to what is right and wrong...perhaps it is my heart that has lead me to all the great things and decisions i have made in my life...marrying my husband, having 3 wonderful kids, and going on this wonderful journey of adoption....being true to myself is deeply rooted inside me...and it is what i believe....so though i know that sometimes faking a lot of my feelings is what i need to do, i still struggle with it...it's like cheating on someone you love.....but for those of you who are at the point where I am on this journey, I think I am here to let you know that it is time to surrender...and sometimes let your feelings take a back seat.....because waiting for that "i am head over heels for my child and just want to hug him forever" feeling might not come as quickly as you want...but I have been assured that it will eventually come...but until then, being fake is a good thing....and for those of you not on the adoption journey yet and feel that being fake once in awhile might be something you are interested in, there are 147 million orphans in the world and a child that becomes an orphan every 18 seconds that may benefit from your fakeness...haha...that was my lame attempt to contribute to November's National Adoption Month....

All kidding and fakeness aside, Amay is doing wonderful and is making lots of progress....we are so blessed to see what a happy amazing little boy he has evolved into.... Sunny and I feel very optimistic about this journey...we spend many hours a day and many days a week talking about our feelings and where we are in our journey and where we would like to be....and finally, we are at the point where we feel optimistic...I have often felt alone with my feelings....not knowing if what i felt was normal or if I was ever going to be the mother that Amay deserved....but after many sessions of therapy, many blogs with adoptive moms, and many conversations with my amazing husband...I have realized that I am normal in all that i feel...regardless of how abnormal my feelings may make me feel....sometimes I have felt that my husband has been more natural at this than me...and I have felt left behind....but every night, i am assured by him that he is right there feeling everything i am feeling......we have lost many tires during this drive on this long and unknown road....and have felt many bumps in the road...but finally, we feel that though the road may continue to be bumpy, we now have the tools we need to be on a smoother journey...

"When Sad looks Mad"

I have been meaning to write for such a long time, but as you can imagine, life with three kids doesn't slow down....But yesterday, I came across an article on an adoption website that was titled "When Sad looks Mad"....and it really resonated with me....because as I thought about the content of the article, I realized that so much of Amay's "mad" is actually "sad"....I spend my entire day telling Amay not to be mad about this and that, but I didn't for a minute think that maybe his mad is actually his way of being sad....it was an interesting article...that talked about how kids from orphanages don't know how to express any other real feeling except "mad"...so when food was taken away from them, they didn't get sad, they got mad...b/c it was survival...when someone took a toy away, they got mad b/c it was the only toy they had....if they couldn't fall asleep at night, they were mad at themselves...not sad so that somebody would come and comfort them....so in an institution, there is no feeling of greed, sadness, or embarrassed...it is more of just fight or flight........kids that come from orphanages often don't know how to express anything but mad...not to say that they don't feel anything else... inside them, they are hurt, wounded, and very sad........and now, it all makes sense, that sometimes, "sad looks mad"....and even as adults, we often take out our anger on something that initially made us sad but now has just turned into anger.....so today I ask that those struggling with me to understand our "mad" child, take a minute and look into his/her eyes, and see beyond the anger of lonliness, rejection, separation...and look for the sadness that is deeply buried under......and you will see, that they have been sad for so long and nobody has paid attention...and that sadness has grown into madness.....