I am a proud mother.....

Today, I took my kids to the park as usual....and as i watched the three of them play, i couldn't help but cry.....and i didn't just tear up...i actually sat in the swing and sobbed......it continues to be a rough emotional journey for all of us, but in the midst of it all, i forget how hard it must be for my three munchkins..their entire life has taken a new twist.....i often find myself yelling at all of them during the day because they are constantly fighting or whining or crying because somebody took somebody's toy or somebody isn't sharing or whatever it is at the moment......and i truly don't have a moment during the day to just step out of the box and think about what is really going on in our lives...and today, when i sat on the swing, watching them play...it hit me that my kids are not only amazing, but are incredible little people.....everyday, i find them trying really hard to find a spot in this new family...each one is trying so hard......Amay constantly asks me "mommy, am i a good boy today, and mommy, do you love me...?"...and Satya asks me "Am i still your favorite?"......and with these questions, i don't know what they are truly feeling or going through, but i know they are trying so hard...because at the end of the day, it all just feels right.....i am just so proud of all three of them for opening their hearts up to this incredible journey and path that we are on ...they have all taken a leap of faith in their little hearts...every morning and night when the family sits to pray, they say "thank you God for each other..."...and though they are just saying that b/c mommy is making them say it, i know that one day they will really feel how lucky they are to be a part of this amazing journey together.....through the tough times and through the happy times...we thank God for each other...and I thank Him for my 3 amazing kids.....I pray that He gives them the inner strength they may need to love each other and to just enjoy each other's company......I am a proud mother!!!....

I love him.....

I thought I was done blogging, but I couldn't help but post Amay's update...Amay has been doing amazingly better since we got back to the U.S....I think his insecurities about where he was headed and where "home" was has finally vanished and he feels more comfortable...we obviously still have a lot of "adoption" related issues such as attachment and grieving, but overall, I must say that I am truly very happy and proud of how well he is doing.....he is picking up on the language and really trying to fit in with his siblings...... ..though I am still not "in love" with him, yesterday, i felt the feeling of love for him...and it was a big step in my relationship with him...i have been feeling like i have been "babysitting" somebody's child...but for the first time yesterday, I felt true love for him....from all the reading and support i have received from adoptive mothers, i have been told that it is okay to "fake" your love for the child and just "pretend" you love him until the day arrives when you truly love him...so that is what i have been doing...i have been hugging him every morning and telling him i love him every night...and though it felt wierd since i was having a hard time feeling any of it, it felt good just to show him love...and yesterday, i didn't have to fake it...i actually felt it in my heart.......and I think he felt it too....I hurt my toe yesterday with a chair and he heard me scream in pain, and he ran to me and said "oh mommy"...and he kneeled down in push up position and kissed my big toe.....and i carried him up and just held him in my arms......not faking any love....just truly loving him and missing him for the 4 years he wasn't with me....

Satya is still confused about Amay and not sure how to "share" everybody he loves...Satya has never been a "materialistic" kid...he doesn't care if somebody takes his favorite toy or if he doesn't get something...but when he has to "share" his little sister or his mommy/daddy...it hits home...and i think that is where he is struggling.....but Amay's love and resilience will soon win him over too...and I am confident that Satya is going to open his heart to him....with just a little more time...he keeps telling me "mommy, i just need more time!"...and time is what we will give him.....