I don't know how.....

 To My Son:

I don't know how to look at you and not see another mother's face in those big black eyes of yours....
I don't know how to hold you without a little distance between us....
I don't know how to love you without wanting our first 4 years together...
I don't know how to look at your baby pictures and not continue to imagine what you must have been like...
I don't know how not to be angry at you for sometimes making me feel "not enough" as a mom
I don't know how to hold your hand without feeling the burden of "forever"
I don't know how to be enough when I know I can't give you anymore....
I don't know how to stop thinking about how often I fall short of what you deserve...
I don't know how to heal your heart without thinking about where you've been and how hard things must have been...
I don't know how to cry it out, because the pain seems to never go away, of knowing what darkness is in your heart...
I don't know how to tell myself that it is okay that I will now be the Mom that can't  make everything better for my child...because I can't change the beginning of your story.....
I don't know why I love you so much, but don't want to feel any of it.....because you give "tough love" a whole new meaning...
I don't know why I continue to feel guilty for not having come earlier....
I don't know why I love you so much despite how bumpy our road is...
I don't know how I became your mother, and you my son....

I know when you look at me, you don't see another mother's face..you only see me...
I know that when you hug me, you never feel a distance between us...
I know that you don't miss our first 4 years together, but cherish our time now..
I know that you  feel angry sometimes too for not knowing where you belong...
I know that when you hold my hand, it is "forever"
I know that you don't think that I am "not enough"...but only that I am your mother...
I know that you don't expect me to heal your heart, just want me to love you despite your wounds..
I know that you don't want me to cry it out, rather, cry with you and soothe you...
I know that you don't want me to change the beginning of your story, but just want me to be there for the rest of it...
I know that you aren't mad that I didn't come earlier, just happy that I came..
I know that you know how you became my son, because you dreamt me into your life and I dreamt you into mine...



I don't know how to define our relationship or the love that we share, but I know that my life is incomplete without you....I am sorry for my own shortcomings as a mother, but I hope that you continue to think that I am enough....because you and I are "forever"!