It has been one year since the day I met my son Amay....it was a very very hot day in India when I walked into his orphanage with my older son Satya...Satya and I were very nervous, but excited...to finally meet our Amay...the little boy we talked about and thought about every day since our agency matched us with him....and as we walked to the second floor of his orphanage in Pune, there he was....starring out the window....almost symbolically...as if he was waiting for me all these years...and as I called his name, he looked and smiled at me....he didn't waste another minute without his mom...he smiled and gave me a hug..and little did we know that this little boy was not only going to be a part of our family, but he was going to change our entire lives in one short year......
Here we are as a family one year later....and as Amay's "gotcha day" approached, i couldn't help but think about this entire past year and all the ups, downs and everything in between we have gone through as a family...and if there is one thing i can say about adoption, it is that there is no other journey like this one...there is no other journey that is going to make you feel as menopausal as this one will...because one day you will be happy, the next day you will have post-adoption blues, and another day you will wake up with hot flashes, and then a few minutes later you will be smiling at your little boy that you just yelled at a few seconds earlier.....Good, Bad, and sometimes very Ugly...
The Good: The good days are the days that you are waiting for your child to come home...you might think these were the bad days, but looking back now, you realize they were pretty good...because you had nothing but love in your heart...love and pure desire to bring your child home......your heart aches, but in a good way...you miss him, you love him, and though he isn't your blood, your entire existence feels empty without this child whom you only know in a picture....but he is yours....and all is good.....and then more good days come....you meet him, and you bring him home....and there will be days where you won't have to try or fake things ....sometimes you will love him naturally...and sometimes you will kiss and hug him without even thinking about it.....and you will feel like a good person again....and things will feel good......
The Bad: The bad days are the days of endless paperwork....by endless, i mean dozens of copies of the same passport picture...and then renewal of the fingerprints....because maybe, in some warped world, fingerprints change in 6 months...so the agency asks you to RENEW your fingerprints...seriously?....are they really asking me to do this?....but at this point, you will pee in a cup and give them your stool sample and get checked for HIV over and over again and get pricked for TB, and send in all your letters of recommendations, and your letter of who plans to take care of this child in case you die...and the list goes on and on....the bad days are also the days after you bring your child home...and you realize that you don't love your child...the child that you longed to bring home...the child that you cried for every night....that child....you don't love.....you sometimes don't even like him....but books told you to fake it, so you do.....and bad days are those days where you hide in the bathroom so he can't find you...just so you can have a minute to think about your family that used to be before your new addition came along......and bad days are when your bio kids start acting out because they too are having a hard time with the addition......and you realize, this child is going to change your way of living.....bad days are when you feel like a horrible mother....how does a mother not love a child that so badly longs to be loved?...how?....and these days will feel like really bad days....and then someone will ask you "is it worth it?"...and if you read my earlier post on that question, you will want to punch somebody in the face.....those will be your bad days....
The Ugly: Sometimes the bad days feel like they can't get worst...but they might....and for a lot of us, they did.....you will find yourself crying in the middle of the night..sobbing in the bathroom as the rest of the family sleeps....not because you are sad, or mad, or lonely....but because you are confused and tired.......and just feel horrible....it feels like you can't do anything right for this child...maybe you weren't meant to be his mother.....and you feel that everybody is doing okay except for you...and that God messed up and matched you with a child you can't take care of...that you are just a horrible person and a horrible mother and can't understand how your heart has hardened.....and that everybody is watching you...judging you...laughing at you.....you try over and over to love, to be patient....and just when you think you get it, your child starts grieving...and it won't be a grieving where he cries once in awhile...no, it will be where he starts draggin you around the house with your hair, and he will kick you and spit at you and cry bloody murder......and you won't know what to do...so you will yell at him and do EVERYTHING the adoption books told you NOT to do...you will yell, you will put him in time-out, and both of you will be in survival mode....and very quickly your bad days become the ugly days.......
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly......and then there is The Perfect....the good, the bad, the ugly, and the perfect....the perfect moments are the moments that are going to get you through all the other moments.....and the perfect moments are going to be the moments that are going to make everything worth it......the perfect moments are when you will sneek into your son's room so you can watch him sleep...and you will cry.....watching your little boy sleep in his warm bed with his brother snuggled next to him...and you will watch and realize how perfect he is....and how beautiful he is...and you will cry because you hate that you missed his first four years.....you will grieve not being his biological mother...and though it might feel bad, these moments will be perfect.....you will feel like a good mother again.....love will seep back into your heart during these moments and you will remember why you started this journey in the beginning....your child will take your hand and one day while being in the ICU for 10 days without food for 100 hours, he will say "all i want is mommy to love me and hold my hand"....and it will feel perfect.....and during these perfect moments, your heart will ache for the other children you saw at the orphanage who are waiting....the children you consciously forgot about because your new additon was making things so hard that you didn't want to think about the others....but perfect will be when you will cry for these other children and your heart will ache again....and it will be perfect when you realize that you are not only a good mother, but you are his mother.....this little boy is your son.....and no matter what you do or what you think you fail to do for him....to him, YOU are perfect.....
Our perfect moments as a family have been nothing short of miraculous...we have watched our little Amay grow into a phenomenal boy in one short year....and i have never sugar coated our journey....and i will not say that this past year has been perfect or easy...it has been far from that.....many tears have been shed from every single member of the family....from me to my youngest daughter Sitara...everybody has felt the impact of this journey.....but we have gone through perfect moments that are hard to forget.....and moments that have felt like they were meant to be....moments where i have looked at Amay and have felt his entire past in his lost eyes......and moments where we knew that our decision to adopt Amay was perfect!
Today, one year later, Amay is doing amazing...he is a completely different boy than we brought home a year ago....he came to us confused, sad, angry, and often lost....but today, he is ambitious, happy, secure, confident, loving, and absolutely precious.....this past year has taught us so much about ourselves, our family, our lives, and our purpose...and one year later, we are proud to have our Amay home with us.....we love him so much and are truly grateful for God's plan for our family.....
Thank you so much to all of our friends and family and blog followers for your encouragment, kindless, love, and inspiration. Thank you for being a part of our journey...and most of all, thank you to my beautiful and amazing husband for believing in me as a mother...for always reminding me that i am stronger than i think i am and when i think i can't love anymore, he proves me wrong....i love you Sunny for who you are and for my three incredible children...thank you!!!!
Here we are as a family one year later....and as Amay's "gotcha day" approached, i couldn't help but think about this entire past year and all the ups, downs and everything in between we have gone through as a family...and if there is one thing i can say about adoption, it is that there is no other journey like this one...there is no other journey that is going to make you feel as menopausal as this one will...because one day you will be happy, the next day you will have post-adoption blues, and another day you will wake up with hot flashes, and then a few minutes later you will be smiling at your little boy that you just yelled at a few seconds earlier.....Good, Bad, and sometimes very Ugly...
The Good: The good days are the days that you are waiting for your child to come home...you might think these were the bad days, but looking back now, you realize they were pretty good...because you had nothing but love in your heart...love and pure desire to bring your child home......your heart aches, but in a good way...you miss him, you love him, and though he isn't your blood, your entire existence feels empty without this child whom you only know in a picture....but he is yours....and all is good.....and then more good days come....you meet him, and you bring him home....and there will be days where you won't have to try or fake things ....sometimes you will love him naturally...and sometimes you will kiss and hug him without even thinking about it.....and you will feel like a good person again....and things will feel good......
The Bad: The bad days are the days of endless paperwork....by endless, i mean dozens of copies of the same passport picture...and then renewal of the fingerprints....because maybe, in some warped world, fingerprints change in 6 months...so the agency asks you to RENEW your fingerprints...seriously?....are they really asking me to do this?....but at this point, you will pee in a cup and give them your stool sample and get checked for HIV over and over again and get pricked for TB, and send in all your letters of recommendations, and your letter of who plans to take care of this child in case you die...and the list goes on and on....the bad days are also the days after you bring your child home...and you realize that you don't love your child...the child that you longed to bring home...the child that you cried for every night....that child....you don't love.....you sometimes don't even like him....but books told you to fake it, so you do.....and bad days are those days where you hide in the bathroom so he can't find you...just so you can have a minute to think about your family that used to be before your new addition came along......and bad days are when your bio kids start acting out because they too are having a hard time with the addition......and you realize, this child is going to change your way of living.....bad days are when you feel like a horrible mother....how does a mother not love a child that so badly longs to be loved?...how?....and these days will feel like really bad days....and then someone will ask you "is it worth it?"...and if you read my earlier post on that question, you will want to punch somebody in the face.....those will be your bad days....
The Ugly: Sometimes the bad days feel like they can't get worst...but they might....and for a lot of us, they did.....you will find yourself crying in the middle of the night..sobbing in the bathroom as the rest of the family sleeps....not because you are sad, or mad, or lonely....but because you are confused and tired.......and just feel horrible....it feels like you can't do anything right for this child...maybe you weren't meant to be his mother.....and you feel that everybody is doing okay except for you...and that God messed up and matched you with a child you can't take care of...that you are just a horrible person and a horrible mother and can't understand how your heart has hardened.....and that everybody is watching you...judging you...laughing at you.....you try over and over to love, to be patient....and just when you think you get it, your child starts grieving...and it won't be a grieving where he cries once in awhile...no, it will be where he starts draggin you around the house with your hair, and he will kick you and spit at you and cry bloody murder......and you won't know what to do...so you will yell at him and do EVERYTHING the adoption books told you NOT to do...you will yell, you will put him in time-out, and both of you will be in survival mode....and very quickly your bad days become the ugly days.......
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly......and then there is The Perfect....the good, the bad, the ugly, and the perfect....the perfect moments are the moments that are going to get you through all the other moments.....and the perfect moments are going to be the moments that are going to make everything worth it......the perfect moments are when you will sneek into your son's room so you can watch him sleep...and you will cry.....watching your little boy sleep in his warm bed with his brother snuggled next to him...and you will watch and realize how perfect he is....and how beautiful he is...and you will cry because you hate that you missed his first four years.....you will grieve not being his biological mother...and though it might feel bad, these moments will be perfect.....you will feel like a good mother again.....love will seep back into your heart during these moments and you will remember why you started this journey in the beginning....your child will take your hand and one day while being in the ICU for 10 days without food for 100 hours, he will say "all i want is mommy to love me and hold my hand"....and it will feel perfect.....and during these perfect moments, your heart will ache for the other children you saw at the orphanage who are waiting....the children you consciously forgot about because your new additon was making things so hard that you didn't want to think about the others....but perfect will be when you will cry for these other children and your heart will ache again....and it will be perfect when you realize that you are not only a good mother, but you are his mother.....this little boy is your son.....and no matter what you do or what you think you fail to do for him....to him, YOU are perfect.....
Our perfect moments as a family have been nothing short of miraculous...we have watched our little Amay grow into a phenomenal boy in one short year....and i have never sugar coated our journey....and i will not say that this past year has been perfect or easy...it has been far from that.....many tears have been shed from every single member of the family....from me to my youngest daughter Sitara...everybody has felt the impact of this journey.....but we have gone through perfect moments that are hard to forget.....and moments that have felt like they were meant to be....moments where i have looked at Amay and have felt his entire past in his lost eyes......and moments where we knew that our decision to adopt Amay was perfect!
Today, one year later, Amay is doing amazing...he is a completely different boy than we brought home a year ago....he came to us confused, sad, angry, and often lost....but today, he is ambitious, happy, secure, confident, loving, and absolutely precious.....this past year has taught us so much about ourselves, our family, our lives, and our purpose...and one year later, we are proud to have our Amay home with us.....we love him so much and are truly grateful for God's plan for our family.....
Thank you so much to all of our friends and family and blog followers for your encouragment, kindless, love, and inspiration. Thank you for being a part of our journey...and most of all, thank you to my beautiful and amazing husband for believing in me as a mother...for always reminding me that i am stronger than i think i am and when i think i can't love anymore, he proves me wrong....i love you Sunny for who you are and for my three incredible children...thank you!!!!
