Though this blog is mostly dedicated to "bringing Amay home"...I would like write this post about my other two children...Sitara and Satya...Sitara is my 4 year old princess...this adoption hasn't affected her much...as now she believes that Amay is just one more person she can boss around...so things for her so far have been good....she might be too young to understand the impact of it all just yet....on the other, Satya is my beautiful 6 year old son. He is the oldest child and recently, I was reminded of how much this adoption has impacted him. I often get lost in the troubles of being a mom...how hard adoption is for a mom, how hard attachment is for a mom...etc.
Lately, I have found Satya to be very sad....often depressed...which has gotten me a bit worried. Two days ago, he started crying randomly again. And as we started to talk, he told me about some of his sadness, his fears, and his struggles. He told me "Mom, i am worried that Amay is going to grow up to not like me, because even though i try to be nice to him, i always end up being mean to him...i don't know why....i guess i am jealous that i have to share everything with him...i have to share my parents, my sister, my toys and people give him lots of attention.".....It breaks my heart to see him so worried. Amay and Satya are only 9 months apart, so we have essentially "twinned" them. Satya feels displaced from his oldest child place in the family, since he is constantly feeling like a twin. Satya also feels that his relationship with his little sister is being threatened, because now Sitara has two brothers that can take care of her. He was always the protector of his little sister, and now sometimes he feels pushed to the side. Sitara and Amay are emotionally and mentally and almost physically the same size so they enjoy doing a lot of things together, whereas Satya is on a whole different emotional and mental level. While Amay and Sitara are busy playing with dolls, Satya is busy watching the World Cup or learning about our Solar System.
Adoption is a tough journey for everybody, but often we forget the biological kids that are involved that have to digest this new change in their lives...a change that often feels like a "disruption" from their normal functioning lives...and honestly, i don't know what to say to my 6 year old who struggles...i don't know how to tell him that I THINK things will feel better...because i don't know when it will feel normal again...for him....things for Satya have been so very hard...and i know that things for Amay were hard too...so as a mom, i am stuck...trying to understand both kids while trying not to hurt anybody's feelings....i feel that often i have to hide my feelings of love for Amay so that I don't hurt Satya...and i KNOW that is so wrong...but my heart just sinks when Satya gets hurt...maybe it is because he is my first child...every mom (okay, most moms, I think?) have a soft spot for one of their kids...for me, it is Satya...Satya has always been the emotional, easy going, sensitive, kind boy....he is exactly like his father....i am very possessive and protective of hims....so if anybody hurts Satya (even Amay or Sitara), i become "momma bear"....Satya always talks to me about his "conscience"...he says that sometimes he wants to turn his conscience off because it is always telling him to be good.....
I hope things get better for Satya...we started this journey with Amay with spitting, fighting, kicking, scratching, throwing, and just about everything in between...and that part of the experience has stayed with Satya and he has had a hard time moving past it....he has seen Amay pulling my hair, kicking me, and spitting at me...and I think he was too young to process the "disruption" at that time.....the hardest part for Satya has been that often he is too mature for his age.....all kids behave badly sometimes..and a lot of kids are jealous..but for Satya, jealousy and being greedy and selfish makes him uncomfortable...and when he behaves in those ways, it affects his state of mind which leads him into sadness....he is almost too good for his own well being....
I am having an extremely hard time trying to be a mom to two kids that have two very different needs...though adoption is a family affair, it is often hard because our biological kids didn't sign up for what comes with it....as Satya once said to me..."i knew adopting Amay was going to be hard, BUT, i didn't know it was going to be THIS hard..."....I spend a lot of time thinking and worrying about Amay and his issues..and spend a lot of time reading books and paying attention to the changes i need to make for him...but today, I am thinking about my Satya...he has definitely gotten lost in the process..and i have often failed to pay attention to his needs and to the changes i need to make for him so he doesn't grow up having negative feelings towards adoption or towards his brother.....This isn't about biological vs adopted kid....this is about just two kids who have come from two different worlds...and it is my job as a mom to help them transition into one world.....an adoptive family can't be just about making the new child feel loved and safe...it has to be about making every child in the family feel loved and safe......my fear is that one day Amay will say "you loved Satya more"...or that Satya will say "you changed our entire family for Amay"....or that they will not like each other because i failed to transition them into our new family...my fears for the future are tremendous...it burdens me and troubles my heart....i can only hope that all my children will be grateful for the life we have chosen for them.....
Lately, I have found Satya to be very sad....often depressed...which has gotten me a bit worried. Two days ago, he started crying randomly again. And as we started to talk, he told me about some of his sadness, his fears, and his struggles. He told me "Mom, i am worried that Amay is going to grow up to not like me, because even though i try to be nice to him, i always end up being mean to him...i don't know why....i guess i am jealous that i have to share everything with him...i have to share my parents, my sister, my toys and people give him lots of attention.".....It breaks my heart to see him so worried. Amay and Satya are only 9 months apart, so we have essentially "twinned" them. Satya feels displaced from his oldest child place in the family, since he is constantly feeling like a twin. Satya also feels that his relationship with his little sister is being threatened, because now Sitara has two brothers that can take care of her. He was always the protector of his little sister, and now sometimes he feels pushed to the side. Sitara and Amay are emotionally and mentally and almost physically the same size so they enjoy doing a lot of things together, whereas Satya is on a whole different emotional and mental level. While Amay and Sitara are busy playing with dolls, Satya is busy watching the World Cup or learning about our Solar System.
Adoption is a tough journey for everybody, but often we forget the biological kids that are involved that have to digest this new change in their lives...a change that often feels like a "disruption" from their normal functioning lives...and honestly, i don't know what to say to my 6 year old who struggles...i don't know how to tell him that I THINK things will feel better...because i don't know when it will feel normal again...for him....things for Satya have been so very hard...and i know that things for Amay were hard too...so as a mom, i am stuck...trying to understand both kids while trying not to hurt anybody's feelings....i feel that often i have to hide my feelings of love for Amay so that I don't hurt Satya...and i KNOW that is so wrong...but my heart just sinks when Satya gets hurt...maybe it is because he is my first child...every mom (okay, most moms, I think?) have a soft spot for one of their kids...for me, it is Satya...Satya has always been the emotional, easy going, sensitive, kind boy....he is exactly like his father....i am very possessive and protective of hims....so if anybody hurts Satya (even Amay or Sitara), i become "momma bear"....Satya always talks to me about his "conscience"...he says that sometimes he wants to turn his conscience off because it is always telling him to be good.....
I hope things get better for Satya...we started this journey with Amay with spitting, fighting, kicking, scratching, throwing, and just about everything in between...and that part of the experience has stayed with Satya and he has had a hard time moving past it....he has seen Amay pulling my hair, kicking me, and spitting at me...and I think he was too young to process the "disruption" at that time.....the hardest part for Satya has been that often he is too mature for his age.....all kids behave badly sometimes..and a lot of kids are jealous..but for Satya, jealousy and being greedy and selfish makes him uncomfortable...and when he behaves in those ways, it affects his state of mind which leads him into sadness....he is almost too good for his own well being....
I am having an extremely hard time trying to be a mom to two kids that have two very different needs...though adoption is a family affair, it is often hard because our biological kids didn't sign up for what comes with it....as Satya once said to me..."i knew adopting Amay was going to be hard, BUT, i didn't know it was going to be THIS hard..."....I spend a lot of time thinking and worrying about Amay and his issues..and spend a lot of time reading books and paying attention to the changes i need to make for him...but today, I am thinking about my Satya...he has definitely gotten lost in the process..and i have often failed to pay attention to his needs and to the changes i need to make for him so he doesn't grow up having negative feelings towards adoption or towards his brother.....This isn't about biological vs adopted kid....this is about just two kids who have come from two different worlds...and it is my job as a mom to help them transition into one world.....an adoptive family can't be just about making the new child feel loved and safe...it has to be about making every child in the family feel loved and safe......my fear is that one day Amay will say "you loved Satya more"...or that Satya will say "you changed our entire family for Amay"....or that they will not like each other because i failed to transition them into our new family...my fears for the future are tremendous...it burdens me and troubles my heart....i can only hope that all my children will be grateful for the life we have chosen for them.....
