Dear (Amay's) Birth Mom,
It is yet another year that I sit down to celebrate you and me. I remember my first Mother's Day, 9 years ago. It was filled with such joy and excitement. I was finally a mom to a wonderful little boy that filled my entire world with happiness. And here I am now, the mother of 4 and though I feel the same joy and excitement in being a mom, Mother's Day is often filled with thoughts of you. I can't help but continue to wonder about you. You son,... Our Son...now asks a lot about you. With each question, my heart aches a bit more. I often cry because sometimes I think I have gotten it all wrong. Motherhood to our son has been extremely hard for me. I have felt like a failure over and over again. Often, people tell me that love is all you need. I have tried that. And it just doesn't feel enough. He needs You. And I can't give him that. Often, I try to forget you so it doesn't hurt knowing that you are his void. But I see your face in our son. He has big black eyes adn a smile that warms your heart. Amay will be 9 years old in a month. And he has grown so much. His heart is full of so much love, but there is a rage in him that lives deep inside his heart. He thinks about you often. I think about you often. And it seems to never get easier. There is a part of me that would love to see you and sit with you all night talking about our son. I fantasize about those days. And then, there is a part of me that is filled with so much anger that I don't even want to share him with you. I want him to be my son, not our son. But then, I look at him and don't see him as my son. I see him as our son. And the struggle continues. Every. Single. Day.
Last year, Amay welcomed a baby brother into his life. And he is perfect. Amay needed him in his life. We all needed baby Niam in our lives. After adopting Amay, there was a void in me. I felt angry, sad, and often incompetent as a mother. Raising Amay almost felt like being his caretaker and not his mom. Though Amay loves me, his love for me is often easily replaced with food. His food issues and his insecurities have made me feel dispensable. I wanted him to love me unconditionally. And he isn't ready for that. Slowly, my heart became cold and I became angry. Niam wasn't only a baby that I wanted, he was a baby that our entire family needed. I call him our "family's keeper". He completed and healed our family in a way that was absolutely magical. He has brought back all the smiles and laughs that our family had missed for the past few years. I finally feel liek a mother again and my connection with Amay has become stronger. As I rock Niam to sleep, I realize how much Amay missed in his early years. And it helps me grow my heart bigger for him.
I wanted Amay to have somebody he can call his "own". Amay has finally found a place in the family as a big brother. He finally has somebody he can have memories with and a sibling that is common to all of them. Amay is no longer the kid that was just thrown into a family with no beginning. Amay adores his baby brother. He looks at him with such joy and love. Niam is my gift to Amay. He is the closest family member I could give to Amay. He now has memories of how his family was created. Amay also did very well during my pregnancy. He asked a lot of questions about you. And I think he missed you most during those days. But he finally understood how he was created and what it meant to have a "birth mom".
Birth Mom, I love our son now. I know that the past years have been difficult for me. Attachment has always been hard for me. And I'd be lying if I said it's not hard. There are days when I miss you and want you to help me raise him because I don't know the answers. I don't understand his temperment or don't know if I'm doing it the way you would. But I love him. Our hearts finally beat as one. I love him so much and though I know that the pain of leaving him can't ever be understood...I want to promise you that you made a good decision. He is often sad. Sometimes I'm not sure how to help him. But he has many happy moments too. His father and I are trying to help him understand that it's okay to feel sad, but it's also important to find the things that can make him happy. His older brother Satya always tries to talk to him and remind him that he has to make the best out of every situation. And I promise you that I will do all that I can do to live up to that promise of love, success, happiness, and motherhood.
Our son will now be in 3rd grade. He tries so hard and works very hard. His lack of confidence in himself often holds him back. But he is so smart and wants to learn. He will now have been in our family longer than he has been at the orphanage. I feel a sense of relief in knowing that. I finally am starting to accept him as my own. Adoption is hard. And I know letting him go must have been even harder. But I hope you find peace knowing that he is doing good. A couple of days ago he told his siblings that his birth mom was his favorite mom and that I was his second mom. Yesterday he came to my room and he told he that he was "lying" and that I was his favorite. I sensed the guilt he felt...thinking he had made me feel bad...and honestly, a couple of years ago, i would have felt horrible...as I found myself in constant competition with you. But I don't feel that anymore. I have found a happy and secure place with him. I"m not jealous of you...and I told him that. I told him he didn't have to choose between the two of us. And that it's okay to feel however he feels. He was happy to know that he didn't have to explain his feelings. I think he had started to sense the jeolousy and anger I often felt for you. But I'm better now. After having my recent baby, I"m thankful that you took great care of him in your tummy, and I will have the opportunity to take care of him now.
Every year I have him write a letter to you on Mother's Day. Here are a few lines....
Dear Birth Mom
I miss you. You did an awesome job making me. I also am wondering where you are right now. I think you're crying and missing me. I have a good family. I try to forget about you, so I could have fun, but I can't. You make me happy just like my other mom I have right now. It's Mother's Day week, so Happy Mother's day!!!! I love you a lot Mom. I also want to see you and know your name. I miss you a lot. I think you loved me a lot.
Love,
Amay S. Mehta
I leave you with that. Our baby is growing up. My insecurities about you are slowly starting to vanish and I am feeling stronger as his mother. Thank you for our son. He is an incredible reminder of strength, resilience, and love. I will continue to learn from him and continue to fight for him. Happy Mother's Day to you and me from our son. You are thought of every single day. There isn't a day that goes by that Amay and I aren't thinking of you. Somedays are harder without you than others. I often wish you can come and help me heal him. But I know that I have your blessings for our son....and there isn't much more I can ask this year on Mother's Day. Whoever you are, Wherever you are...you are thought of with love.....
It is yet another year that I sit down to celebrate you and me. I remember my first Mother's Day, 9 years ago. It was filled with such joy and excitement. I was finally a mom to a wonderful little boy that filled my entire world with happiness. And here I am now, the mother of 4 and though I feel the same joy and excitement in being a mom, Mother's Day is often filled with thoughts of you. I can't help but continue to wonder about you. You son,... Our Son...now asks a lot about you. With each question, my heart aches a bit more. I often cry because sometimes I think I have gotten it all wrong. Motherhood to our son has been extremely hard for me. I have felt like a failure over and over again. Often, people tell me that love is all you need. I have tried that. And it just doesn't feel enough. He needs You. And I can't give him that. Often, I try to forget you so it doesn't hurt knowing that you are his void. But I see your face in our son. He has big black eyes adn a smile that warms your heart. Amay will be 9 years old in a month. And he has grown so much. His heart is full of so much love, but there is a rage in him that lives deep inside his heart. He thinks about you often. I think about you often. And it seems to never get easier. There is a part of me that would love to see you and sit with you all night talking about our son. I fantasize about those days. And then, there is a part of me that is filled with so much anger that I don't even want to share him with you. I want him to be my son, not our son. But then, I look at him and don't see him as my son. I see him as our son. And the struggle continues. Every. Single. Day.
Last year, Amay welcomed a baby brother into his life. And he is perfect. Amay needed him in his life. We all needed baby Niam in our lives. After adopting Amay, there was a void in me. I felt angry, sad, and often incompetent as a mother. Raising Amay almost felt like being his caretaker and not his mom. Though Amay loves me, his love for me is often easily replaced with food. His food issues and his insecurities have made me feel dispensable. I wanted him to love me unconditionally. And he isn't ready for that. Slowly, my heart became cold and I became angry. Niam wasn't only a baby that I wanted, he was a baby that our entire family needed. I call him our "family's keeper". He completed and healed our family in a way that was absolutely magical. He has brought back all the smiles and laughs that our family had missed for the past few years. I finally feel liek a mother again and my connection with Amay has become stronger. As I rock Niam to sleep, I realize how much Amay missed in his early years. And it helps me grow my heart bigger for him.
I wanted Amay to have somebody he can call his "own". Amay has finally found a place in the family as a big brother. He finally has somebody he can have memories with and a sibling that is common to all of them. Amay is no longer the kid that was just thrown into a family with no beginning. Amay adores his baby brother. He looks at him with such joy and love. Niam is my gift to Amay. He is the closest family member I could give to Amay. He now has memories of how his family was created. Amay also did very well during my pregnancy. He asked a lot of questions about you. And I think he missed you most during those days. But he finally understood how he was created and what it meant to have a "birth mom".
Birth Mom, I love our son now. I know that the past years have been difficult for me. Attachment has always been hard for me. And I'd be lying if I said it's not hard. There are days when I miss you and want you to help me raise him because I don't know the answers. I don't understand his temperment or don't know if I'm doing it the way you would. But I love him. Our hearts finally beat as one. I love him so much and though I know that the pain of leaving him can't ever be understood...I want to promise you that you made a good decision. He is often sad. Sometimes I'm not sure how to help him. But he has many happy moments too. His father and I are trying to help him understand that it's okay to feel sad, but it's also important to find the things that can make him happy. His older brother Satya always tries to talk to him and remind him that he has to make the best out of every situation. And I promise you that I will do all that I can do to live up to that promise of love, success, happiness, and motherhood.
Our son will now be in 3rd grade. He tries so hard and works very hard. His lack of confidence in himself often holds him back. But he is so smart and wants to learn. He will now have been in our family longer than he has been at the orphanage. I feel a sense of relief in knowing that. I finally am starting to accept him as my own. Adoption is hard. And I know letting him go must have been even harder. But I hope you find peace knowing that he is doing good. A couple of days ago he told his siblings that his birth mom was his favorite mom and that I was his second mom. Yesterday he came to my room and he told he that he was "lying" and that I was his favorite. I sensed the guilt he felt...thinking he had made me feel bad...and honestly, a couple of years ago, i would have felt horrible...as I found myself in constant competition with you. But I don't feel that anymore. I have found a happy and secure place with him. I"m not jealous of you...and I told him that. I told him he didn't have to choose between the two of us. And that it's okay to feel however he feels. He was happy to know that he didn't have to explain his feelings. I think he had started to sense the jeolousy and anger I often felt for you. But I'm better now. After having my recent baby, I"m thankful that you took great care of him in your tummy, and I will have the opportunity to take care of him now.
Every year I have him write a letter to you on Mother's Day. Here are a few lines....
Dear Birth Mom
I miss you. You did an awesome job making me. I also am wondering where you are right now. I think you're crying and missing me. I have a good family. I try to forget about you, so I could have fun, but I can't. You make me happy just like my other mom I have right now. It's Mother's Day week, so Happy Mother's day!!!! I love you a lot Mom. I also want to see you and know your name. I miss you a lot. I think you loved me a lot.
Love,
Amay S. Mehta
I leave you with that. Our baby is growing up. My insecurities about you are slowly starting to vanish and I am feeling stronger as his mother. Thank you for our son. He is an incredible reminder of strength, resilience, and love. I will continue to learn from him and continue to fight for him. Happy Mother's Day to you and me from our son. You are thought of every single day. There isn't a day that goes by that Amay and I aren't thinking of you. Somedays are harder without you than others. I often wish you can come and help me heal him. But I know that I have your blessings for our son....and there isn't much more I can ask this year on Mother's Day. Whoever you are, Wherever you are...you are thought of with love.....
"Legacy of an Adopted Child"
Once there were two women who never knew each other,
One - you do not remember, the other you call mother.
Two different lives shaped to make yours,
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.
The first gave you life, and the second taught you to live in it.
The first gave you a need for love and the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality; the other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent; the other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions; the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile; the other dried your tears.
One gave you up - that's all she could do.
The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.
Now you ask through all your tears the age-old question through the years;
Heredity or environment - which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling - neither - just two different kinds of love...One - you do not remember, the other you call mother.
Two different lives shaped to make yours,
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.
The first gave you life, and the second taught you to live in it.
The first gave you a need for love and the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality; the other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent; the other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions; the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile; the other dried your tears.
One gave you up - that's all she could do.
The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.
Now you ask through all your tears the age-old question through the years;
Heredity or environment - which are you a product of?
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