My son's flat head.....

As I have mentioned many times, my husband is my rock...he carries me through every emotion and lets me feel the way I do without having to make excuses to why I feel a certain way.....often, when people think about loving a child, they instantly think about a mother and her love for her child...but through the process of loving Amay, I have had many ups and downs and still continue to struggle with what a mother should feel for her son.....I love Amay...i love him so much....and so badly want to be in love with him.....and have obviously come to the conclusion that things will take time...that sometimes I won't want to kiss him the way I kiss the other two kids...or that sometimes I will feel like I am babysitting him instead of nurturing him as my own....but all of it is natural....and my intentions of writing anything on this blog are not to justify my feelings or make excuses for anything...but truly to just work through my feelings....and as my 6 year anniversary just rolled around, I couldn't help but feel overly blessed for having my husband by my side...Six years ago, I married Sunny not only b/c I was in love with him, but b/c I knew that someday he was going to make a wonderful father to my kids....and that was the number one criteria for me in my husband....and as i struggle to love Amay the way I know I am capable of, I watch my amazing husband everyday with the kids...especially with Amay...and he is so nurturing...so real, so fatherly...as if he has been there all along....as if he hasn't missed his last 4 years...i watch him discipline Amay, and then end every time out with a hug or a kiss.....(and believe me, my time outs with Amay do not end with any sort of affection).....and every morning, before Sunny goes to work, he kisses me on my forehead...and then I watch him kiss Satya and Amay on theirs...and how refreshing...to know that even though I might struggle, my husband won't let me forget what it means to love a child.....to really just love him without thinking about it.....

A few weeks ago, as usual, I was talking to Sunny about how i lose my patience with Amay and I just wanted to be better and know how to be better....and was  desperate for help.....b/c I watch Sunny effortlessly be a father...and for me, being a mother has taken every ounce of energy out of me...so I wanted to know....and he said to me...when you get mad at Amay...before you lose your patience, feel the back of his head....and at that moment, I knew exactly what he was talking about...Amay has the typical flathead that children from institutions have from not being picked up when they were infants....as a child from an orphanage  lies in his crib an average of 15-20 hours a day...flattening their heads....and so Sunny said, "just feel his head, and you will know what he missed the last 4 years"....and that, is what i call "fatherly love".....and so now, everytime I am about to lose my patience, I feel my son's flat head...