About 7 months ago, I woke up from a dream that has since changed my life as an adoptive mom to Amay.....I woke up in a panic...scared, confused, and not sure of what to make of it.....As many of you know, my struggles with Amay for the first year home with him had a lot to do with my attachment to him. I often felt that i didn't love him the way he loved me and often felt short of being everything he expected me to be...sometimes I felt that i wasn't ready to be his mom....and wasn't ready for all the changes that came with Amay...his moods, his behaviors, his extreme need for love and attention...and of course, i wasn't truly ready for a third child who would not only be my third child, but he would be my middle child who happened to only be 9 months younger than my oldest...so i wasn't ready to have "twins"....and as many of you know, life as i knew it fell apart the year Amay came home to me....and the chaos, and stress, and depression, and often anger became my new normal......FAST FORWARD....to now...almost 2 years since Amay has been home....after lots of therapy, thinking, crying, loving, and just accepting our new normal, we have become a functional family....and I finally feel that I am the mom that Amay needs and wants. I no longer have the insecurity of feeling that I am not enough or that i am not giving enough.....
So, going back to my dream...7 months ago, i dreamt that I met Amay's biological mother....and though I know that is a very slim possibility, I dreamt it....and she came to me in my dream and only asked me one question "Did you love my son the way I love him?"......and my one year of therapy and security and all that has come crashing down on me and that one question has haunted me....because though it is easy to say that you love a child to best of your ability, it is hard to say that you have loved him with perfection...so i wonder if this feeling of "not loving enough" will ever go away...because i feel that I am in constant competition with the "other woman"....and it is silly when i write my thoughts down on this blog....and sometimes scary to be so vulnerable...but i need to know if other moms feel this way...because i know with my biological kids that nobody can love them the way i love them...a year ago, i would have known that i didn't love him the way "she" would have loved him...but now, almost two years later, i love him with all my heart and soul...i love him so much....but do i love him the way 'she' would have loved him? How do you fight biology?.I love him like i love my biological kids, but i don't know if even that is enough......Needless to say, i am back to struggling and sometimes feeling depressed because this question haunts me so much that sometimes i feel that the world is watching me....and I am in a constant struggle trying to explain my love for Amay to the world...and sometimes i feel that people are judging and watching me....for things that i might say or do to Amay...but the world doesn't know why I say or do what I say, because the world doesn't see the struggles we as a family see.....So, why do we monitor his food...why do we put him to sleep earlier than the other kids, why do we control him more......the world doesn't know that Amay has food issues, or that if he doesn't get his sleep he becomes emotional to the point where he will start hitting me, or they don't know the little things about him that may trigger him to become physical or emotional.....and though i didn't care what the world thought, lately, i have become consumed by it...i feel that people want to see me love him with perfection...because that is what his "biological" mom would have done....I have become consumed by what people think about me as an adoptive mom..sometimes I even feel that I have to make sure that I am always in control of Amay and his behaviors because my worst fear is that one day, when i am not around, somebody will yell at him about something...so i am constantly trying to keep him away from adults and others who might find some of his behaviors inapproriate....Though the Indian community has, for the most part, been very supportive of our adoption...I have come across some very ignorant people that have said some very mean things about my son....some people have questioned his caste, or where he comes from..questioned our adoption...questioned who he will be when he grows up and if he will truly ever love us.....yes, sometimes the Indian community can me ignorant and mean.....and with that, i feel that I am trying to keep Amay away from the entire world to prevent him coming across people that will hurt him..Is that how his "biological" mom would have loved him?....or am I preventing him from being himself only because of my fears of the world...and sometimes I put him in a bubble just so nobody can hurt him....but he doesn't want to live in a bubble...he wants to be a kid...but i am constantly watching him and reprimanding him because of my own fears..I am afraid..sometimes i want to go to a world where it is just me and Amay...where nobody can hurt him and nobody can question me.......for some reason, if somebody said something mean to my two biological kids, i would probably just ignore it...but if somebody says something about Amay, my heart sinks and I fall apart..not for the day, but i fall apart for months....because I often feel that when I am not around, somebody might hurt his little heart by saying something cruel....and to be his "perfect" mom, i need to make sure he never gets hurt so that one day...If I met "HER".... she would say she was proud of the way I loved OUR son....!
So, going back to my dream...7 months ago, i dreamt that I met Amay's biological mother....and though I know that is a very slim possibility, I dreamt it....and she came to me in my dream and only asked me one question "Did you love my son the way I love him?"......and my one year of therapy and security and all that has come crashing down on me and that one question has haunted me....because though it is easy to say that you love a child to best of your ability, it is hard to say that you have loved him with perfection...so i wonder if this feeling of "not loving enough" will ever go away...because i feel that I am in constant competition with the "other woman"....and it is silly when i write my thoughts down on this blog....and sometimes scary to be so vulnerable...but i need to know if other moms feel this way...because i know with my biological kids that nobody can love them the way i love them...a year ago, i would have known that i didn't love him the way "she" would have loved him...but now, almost two years later, i love him with all my heart and soul...i love him so much....but do i love him the way 'she' would have loved him? How do you fight biology?.I love him like i love my biological kids, but i don't know if even that is enough......Needless to say, i am back to struggling and sometimes feeling depressed because this question haunts me so much that sometimes i feel that the world is watching me....and I am in a constant struggle trying to explain my love for Amay to the world...and sometimes i feel that people are judging and watching me....for things that i might say or do to Amay...but the world doesn't know why I say or do what I say, because the world doesn't see the struggles we as a family see.....So, why do we monitor his food...why do we put him to sleep earlier than the other kids, why do we control him more......the world doesn't know that Amay has food issues, or that if he doesn't get his sleep he becomes emotional to the point where he will start hitting me, or they don't know the little things about him that may trigger him to become physical or emotional.....and though i didn't care what the world thought, lately, i have become consumed by it...i feel that people want to see me love him with perfection...because that is what his "biological" mom would have done....I have become consumed by what people think about me as an adoptive mom..sometimes I even feel that I have to make sure that I am always in control of Amay and his behaviors because my worst fear is that one day, when i am not around, somebody will yell at him about something...so i am constantly trying to keep him away from adults and others who might find some of his behaviors inapproriate....Though the Indian community has, for the most part, been very supportive of our adoption...I have come across some very ignorant people that have said some very mean things about my son....some people have questioned his caste, or where he comes from..questioned our adoption...questioned who he will be when he grows up and if he will truly ever love us.....yes, sometimes the Indian community can me ignorant and mean.....and with that, i feel that I am trying to keep Amay away from the entire world to prevent him coming across people that will hurt him..Is that how his "biological" mom would have loved him?....or am I preventing him from being himself only because of my fears of the world...and sometimes I put him in a bubble just so nobody can hurt him....but he doesn't want to live in a bubble...he wants to be a kid...but i am constantly watching him and reprimanding him because of my own fears..I am afraid..sometimes i want to go to a world where it is just me and Amay...where nobody can hurt him and nobody can question me.......for some reason, if somebody said something mean to my two biological kids, i would probably just ignore it...but if somebody says something about Amay, my heart sinks and I fall apart..not for the day, but i fall apart for months....because I often feel that when I am not around, somebody might hurt his little heart by saying something cruel....and to be his "perfect" mom, i need to make sure he never gets hurt so that one day...If I met "HER".... she would say she was proud of the way I loved OUR son....!
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