Before receiving our referral back in November, we spent the past year filling out paperwork, doing interviews, writing personal statements, more paperwork, fingerprints, background checks, letters of recommendations, making family albums, employment letters,and did i mention...PAPERWORK....yeap, it seemed like the paperwork was endless...everyday was a new set of forms we had to fill out or a new medical test we had to get done to prove that we met all the criteria to be adoptive parents.....and in the midst of all the paperwork, i forgot what we were even working towards or what we were waiting for.....until we received the call in November....the call from our agency referring us to a 3 year old boy they believed "fit well in our family"....and when they asked us if we would accept his referral, we couldn't let this blessing pass us by....which then led us to the waiting period.....
Everyday after November was a day without our son....he was no longer just a child we were waiting for from India....he now had a name, and we had a picture and a five minute video.....and every day that we spent in the U.S as a family, we spent it as an incomplete family...as our son was waiting for us....and our definition of family had a new meaning...
While waiting for the last stretch of paperwork to clear before our court date, i spent the past 5 months trying to prepare emotionally and mentally for everything that may come my way when our family grows....and just when i thought i had everything figured out and knew exactly how i would deal with things......my 4 year old son asked me "When Amay comes, will you love me the same, will Sitara love me the same.?"......and then i knew, not only was i not prepared for what lied ahead, i was terrified...and maybe i will never be prepared.....but at the same time that my son's question astonished and scared me, his statement after that brought me back to the peace in my heart that now continues to stay with me....right after his question, he said "it's okay mom, because i know i am lucky because i have parents that love me, and now Amay will be lucky too..."...this one simple statement from him has carried me through......and though i am still scared, nervous, lost, and often not sure of how to feel....i am mostly feeling lucky....lucky and blessed to be a part of this journey....and to have wonderful family and friends to share it with.....
To say that our family has been through many ups and downs during this journey would be an understatement....and though i know that my husband and my kids have struggled through their own emotions during this process, i can only speak for myself...and for me, this journey has been more than just a process...it has become a way of life.....I have spent many days crying, doubting, wanting, not knowing, loving, and every other emotion in between.....and i would be lying if i didn't say that i never questioned my ability as a mother...and not just any mother, but an adoptive mother...and to this day, i still do.......but now i have come to terms with it....and i now know that it is okay to doubt...it is okay if as a mom i don't have all the answers to why i feel the way i do.....all i know is that i will love him with all my heart....because without even knowing him, i already love him...just the way i loved my two little ones when they were in my tummy....without even having met them....and i guess adoption for me has been very similar to pregnancy...a very long pregnacy....an emotional one...and yeah, sometimes i would have cravings to eat junk food...not from the hormones, but from all the stress...:)...and i am now at my last trimester of my "pregnancy" where i just want him to be here where i can hold him, kiss him, and never let him go.....
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