Update on the process

Finally, we have received Amay's passport....it took about 2 weeks for his passport to arrive...we are on our way to Ahmedabad to visit my family for a week....Hopefully this trip goes smoothly from here on...we are going to Delhi for his Visa on the 13th...I am so homesick...I can't wait to be home.....Amay continues to be a handful and continues to challenge us.....he has an extremely hard time with separation.....he cries if his father leaves for an errand...or if Satya goes somewhere.....and he continues to challenge everything I say.....it is hard to figure him out......I get mad at him a lot...and then have to be reminded that he must be frustrated too...the language barrier has truly taken a toll on me...i want to tell him so much, but can't put it in words for him to understand.......it is wonderful to have Sunny with me so we can keep each other in check...we both seem to be getting frustrated at times, but are truly blessed for this experience....I have learned more in the past month than I have in the past 30 years about myself.....Amay is a truly a difficult one, but as our struggle continues, so does our learning process.....

Naturally Unnatural

It's been almost a month since finally meeting our son...and I have experienced many different emotions in such a short period of time.....I have loved him for the beautiful child he is...empathasized with him for all that he must have endured in the past four years.....been angry at him for hitting and yelling at me.....have been confused at how our family of five and extended family will all come together....have been frustrated with myself for not being as patient and loving as I should be and as I know I am with my biological children.....everyday with Amay brings on a new emotion.....but mostly, I have been surprised at how unnatural the entire transition has felt for me.....calling him my son was very natural for me...and taking care of him is also very natural for me.....but small things like washing  him after he uses the bathroom or wiping his boogers (haha) feels unnatural....but I guess even that will take time.....I realize that adoption in itself is naturally unnatural...but all the feelings that come along with it are often hard to deal with....it challenges my own understanding of who I believe to be....for the first time, I have realized that even a mother-son relationship can feel unnatural if it isn't nurtured from the beginning.....though Amay has taught me that no matter how frustrated or mad I become with him, he will always want me to comfort him....in that, I have realized that is natural for a child to have and need a mother.....even if he didn't have a mother for the first four years of his life, it is natural for a child to be comforted in his mother's arms......

Love at first sight?

After reading numerous books on Toddler Adoptions, it was a common understanding among adoptive mothers that it was okay to not have the "love at first sight" feeling mothers often have with the biological children.....I was aware of it, as I had experienced it with even my biological daughter.....it wasn't until about 6 months after she was born that i "fell in love" with her...I remember calling my husband at work to tell him that i had fallen in love with her....and he was a bit confused about why it had taken me so long....I wasn't sure either...it just didn't "love" her..I wanted to take care of her, but that was about it.....regardless, I was convinced that after months of waiting for Amay to come home, I was going to fall in love with him the minute I saw him.....I was going to be the adoptive mother with the "love at first sight" feeling.....I had already spent countless nights crying over the one picture they had sent us...and sleepless nights worrying about how he must be doing at the orphanage, and many anxious nights just ready to bring him home....But here i am now, still waiting for that feeling...it's been almost a month and I have yet to fall in love.....he is cuter than his pictures, often sweeter than I can imagine..but still, I struggle with my emotions....I have to give it more time...I need to let myself accept that every feeling is natural...love takes time...even if he is my son....I will continue to care for him and love him the way I know how to....but everything else will take time...This experience has humbled me....Amay has already taught me so much about myself....he has taught me that love is often just as hard to give as it is to receive.....I am having a hard time giving and he is having a hard time receiving.....

AmayAmay's firsts

In the midst of all the chaos a new child brings into a family, I have forgotten to cherish all the "first" moments I am experiencing with Amay.  Of course, we have missed his first words, first smile, first steps, etc....But there are many first experiences with him that have been a joy to see...the first time Amay had a popsicle, he just held it in his hand....unsure how to attack it....he watched Satya and Sitara but still couldn't get himself to put the cold ball of ice in his mouth....he tried several times but he had never eaten anything so cold before..needless to say, the entire popsicle melted in his hands within minutes.....the next day, we offered it to him again, this time, he immediately refused it...the first time he had popcorn, he sucked on it like hard candy waiting for it to dissolve in his mouth.....the first time he sat on an American toiled in India, he cried b/c he was afraid he would fall in....the first time he kissed Sunny on his cheeks, he said "Ouch" b/c Sunny's facial hair pricked him....first time I gave him a bath, he kept saying "mommy give me a bath??"....and of course, I'll never forget the first time he said "i like mommy".....though it has been fun watching Amay explore the world around him for the first time, he has been a handful to contain...he touches EVERYTHING and is constantly asking "what is this?"....Even something as common as soap, he asks "what is this?".....the first time he had to use the bathroom in public, we were at the park...he just took his pants off and went...it was embarrasing and funny at the same time....the first time I have him a pillow to sleep on, he took it and sat on it...and then asked "what is this?".....ugghhh....it is like taking care of a 4 year old infant.....fun but hectic....

The Struggle Continues

So, the struggle continues.....things seem to be getting harder than easier.....Amay had attached to me right away, but now as I get a bit more frustrated with him, he is getting a bit more confused....He won't listen to anything I say and has been anxious about everything...the other day we went to the park and he thought i was going to leave him there so he quickly ran to me and started crying....This whole process is testing me in more ways than I know how to handle...I read almost 50 books on toddler adoptions and was ready for every scenario, and now that Amay is finally with me, I can only think with my emotions and am feeling overwhelmed and not able to really set anything straight in my head.....I want to cry because I am sad that I am not able to love him the way he wants me to love him...and at the same time, i am just tired......He is constantly testing my patience....I don't know what he is thinking....sometimes he just starts crying...I don't know if he misses the orphanage...sometimes he screams "TAI"...which is what he is to call his caretakers....I keep telling Sunny how hard it is...and though Sunny has been amazing with all my emotions, he is great at reminding me that it must be just as hard for Amay....everything is new for both of us...neither one of us understand each other....The kids have not taken to each other as well as I had hoped...though I had expected it...I had expected all of this...just am now in the moment of it all......Satya is a great big brother...Yesterday, while I was talking to Sunny on the phone, I promised him that I would be more patient with Amay..This morning when I lost my patience, Satya said "mom, remember what you promised Papa?"...He keeps me in check.....God, give me patience........Thank you all so much for your continued prayers and comments...it helps me a lot....

Surviving.....

Wow, it has been a hectic week with the three kids....i cry every day when talking with Sunny, as I miss him so very much...i just want him to come here and just be with us....this transition has been a lot for me...Amay is done with his "honeymoon" phase and is now in his "frustration" phase...he hits me a lot, and kicks and screams...he is frustrated with the language barrier...it is tough for both of us not to understand each other...he wants me to constantly assure him that I am his mother so every 2 minutes he says "mummy?"...but it has been extremely hard with Satya and Sitara as they also are feeling a bit confused....especially Sitara...she wants to always sit on my lap and Amay won't allow it....he wants me to himself...but is really frustrated and has a lot of energy...he doesn't listen to anything i say...i hope this phase passes as it is really hard without Sunny here.....I feel guilty not being able to love him the way i know i should...but i think it will take time for me....anyhow, i can't write much...i can't wait to be home....it is hard here....very very hot.....kids getting bored in small apartment...nothing to do.....everybody is getting anxious...i just want to be home right now so i can start my own routine with everything...i know God has a plan and this is the only thing that is keeping me going...Amay was part of God's plan for us...and I really need Him to give me the strength and show me the love so i can pass it down to my kids...all three of them....i am truly very exhausted......but Amay is very happy with me....he shows it often by kissing and hugging me....so regardless of how tired i am....it is all worth it just to know that he will be happy now...with his "forever family"...Sunny has been amazing throughout this process even though he is not with me..he continues to let me know that i am strong enough and i can do this...he reminds me that it is okay not to feel an instant connection..and it is okay to feel guilty...and sad...and overwhelmed...all of which i am feeling....so I am thankful for my wonderful and amazing husband.....i have to go now as the kids are banging on the door.....basically, i am surviving....until Sunny gets here.....

Amay Has Joined the Family

This is Sunny again. Wanted to update everyone since Sumi doesn't have access to internet right now. 

Sumi went to the orphanage on Monday (May 7th) to pick up Amay. The orphanage had a small ceremony to say goodbye to Amay. He was very happy about joining Sumi and was very proud to tell everyone that he was going home with Mom. Amay didn't spend much time saying goodbye as he was more focused on holding Sumi's had tightly to ensure she wouldn't leave without him.

The language barrier has been a little tough as Sumi can't fully communicate with Amay. But Amay is already starting to pick up the key words in Gujrati and English. He knows "aapo" which means give me in Gujrati and he also has heard "no" quite a bit as well (but is not as eager to follow through on that one yet). His first few days with Sumi and the kids have been good. Amay is grabbing everything he can get his hands on and has also managed to write on the walls once. He is very affectionate with Sumi. He'll come up to her, squeeze her cheeks together and give her a kiss every so often. He also calls for Sumi's attention frequently to make sure she's still there and that she's paying attention to him. I was able to talk to him on the phone a couple times and he seems like a very happy boy.

The three kids are sleeping in the same room with Sumi for now. Luckily, once they fall asleep, they've all been sleeping through the night. The kids are also getting adjusted to each other. While I'm on the phone, I can hear Amay and Sitara fighting in the background since neither really enjoys the concept of sharing right now. It's funny to hear the two talking to each other in different languages but still able to communicate somehow. Satya is his usually giving self. He volunteered to go sleep with Grandma the other night because he realized it was tough for Sumi to put them all to sleep. Sumi told him he could go if he wanted but he didn't have to go... so he stayed.

The kids have also ripped through their supply of Mac n' Cheese so that's #1 on my list of items to bring to India. They also seem to be having more than their share of ice cream. Satya told me he wanted to stay in India and not come back (Sumi said it's because he enjoys the fact that there are no rules for him).

So even though it has been a hectic last week for Sumi, she's managing all the challenges extremely well. Amay is happy to be with her and has connected very quickly.

We also received the court order today and hope to have Amay's passport by early June.

Recurrent dreams....

When I was pregnant with my first child Satya, I used to have these wierd dreams where I would forget him at the mall, or the grocery store, or in the car because i forgot that I had a child...and then when I was pregnant with my second child Sitara, I used to have the same dream...I would have Satya with me but I would dream that I forgot Sitara at home or in the car forgetting I had 2 kids....and now, i have been having these recurrent dreams where I constantly forget Amay in different places...yesterday, I dreamt that we went to the carnival and i came home with Satya and Sitara and forgot Amay at the carnival....ugghhh...I kept trying to convince the police that I didn't mean to forget my son but I forgot that I had three kids...hahah....funny recurrent dreams......!!!.....Don't worry, I haven't ever actually forgot anybody anywhere....!

Picking him up tomorrow.....

Finally, Satya and Sitara have adjusted to the sleep schedule and are no longer waking up at 3 am dancing and singing....they are having lots of fun in India, but I think it is a bit hectic right now for them...they are doing surprisingly good though......anyhow, i will no longer have access to internet as we are now going to go live with some other cousins.....but we are picking Amay up from the orphanage tomorrow morning and finally bringing him home...I am once again, very nervous, but this time, more excited than nervous.....I am taking Sitara with me this time since she was really mad i didn't take her last time...she keeps saying that she wants to come with me to pick Amay up...so i think it will be good for her....and I think Amay will love to see her since he was asking about her last time...the plan is that we are going to spend the whole day with him at the orphanage...eat lunch with him, take a nap with him, etc...and then they will have a goodbye ceremony for him and then we will take him home..i am sad for him knowing that he will never see his friends and caretakers again, but i think i will be able to hold myself together....i have been surprisingly very strong throughout this process....i thought i would fall apart as soon as i walked in the orphanage to see him...i used to cry when i was in America at just the mere thought of him....but i guess it is true that God always gives you strength when u need it most...I can see lots of sadness and confusion in Amay's eyes...anyhow, we will see how tomorrow goes...i think it will be very emotional for everybody.....Sunny will write on my behalf since i won't have internet.....wish me luck!

Update on our stay...

As Sunny has mentioned, Amay is a very sweet boy and has taken to us quickly...hopefully his grieving stage will come and go quickly if it ever happens, because i love watching him smile when he sees me...everytime i see him, he runs to me and wants me to carry him....the first time i saw him, he was wearing a shirt that said "my mommy is the best, sorry daddy!"...it was cute...all the kids at the orphanage are absolutely priceless and i honestly can't wait to go back one day and adopt another one....they were all so happy to see me and Satya and it is amazing how much love they have in their hearts with the little love they know about....but finally meeting Amay was amazing and i don't have enough words to express how lovely he is......i am so happy that though he waited so long for a family, he has found his way into our hearts and our family...i can't wait for him to meet Sunny....i showed him pictures of Sunny and he had a smile on his face.....otherwise, everything else is going fine...sayta and sitara have been a lot to handle with their jetlag and whining...they are quite bored since there is nothing to do in the heat....but it is okay...i am thinking about putting satya and amay in school for a little while in India..we will see how it all goes.....Satya and Sita woke up at 3 am again this morning and were playing "Ring around a Rosey".....uggghhh...i really need some sleep!!!.....hopefully I will update more later....Sorry, but i don't have much access to computer so can't write too often, but Sunny will try to keep up with the blog....

Meeting with Amay and Court Hearing

This is Sunny... Sumi's husband. I'm making a post in her place since she doesn't have frequent access to the internet in India right now.

Sumi visited the orphanage for on May 2nd. She took Satya with her. Amay was very excited to see her. He ran up to her right away and took to her very quickly. He was also happy to see Satya and asked about Sitara. Satya was a little shy at first but finally caved after Amay kept trying to hold his hand. Sumi spent a couple hours with Amay. She brought some Hot Wheels for him which he was happy to see. Sumi said Amay is a very sweet boy. The people at the orphanage were very surprised to see how similar Satya and Amay's personalities are. When it was time for Sumi to leave she could sense a change in Amay. He held her tightly and didn't want her to leave. She tried to communicate to him that she'd be back soon but it was tough due to the language barrier. Overall, the visit went very well and Sumi is very encouraged by the fact that Amay took so quickly to her and also Satya.

Sumi's court date was on May 3rd. She met the social workers and Amay at the court. She brought a few cookies for Amay and he eagerly grabbed about five of them at once. Her time in court was very quick and uneventful. She was asked only a couple questions. "Why do you want more kids?" and "Do Satya and Sitara know about Amay?" The judge also asked Amay if he understood that Sumi would be his mom and he answered yes. When leaving court Amay again was sad to not be staying with Sumi.

Sumi is planning on picking Amay up from the orphanage on Monday.

Sumi is also working hard managing Satya and Sitara. Their sleep schedules are still thrown off by the time change. She was trying to prevent them from falling asleep too early today and keep them up till at least 8pm. For the first time ever both kids were begging to go to sleep. Ha! Never thought I'd see the day. It also sounds like Satya and Sitara are both getting plenty of ice cream and watching lots of cartoons.

I can't wait to see all of them...

In Pune and waiting to see him....

Finally, the day has arrived when i finally get to see my baby boy!...I get to meet Amay at 230 pm today..i will be taking Satya with me and keeping Sitara behind...but i am so excited and nervous....it has been an exhausting first day...kids have been horrible...have been complaining about the heat and jet lag all day...i woke up at 3am this morning with both of my kids singing "donuts, donuts, we want donuts...".....anyhow, i am afraid that taking care of the three kids without Sunny might be more than i can handle..i have been feeling a bit sick from the jetlag and lack of sleep, and the kids are behaving out of their norm...i think they are both already getting homesick and miss Sunny a lot...Sitara keeps yelling "Papa!!!"....anyhow, i will see how it all goes...as for now, i will just have to be strong for today so i am not a emotional wreck when i finally see him.....i am too nervous to write now....

Our flight....

Our flight to India was, needless to say,very very long and tiring....the kids did okay, but i was exhausted...Sitara threw up in the plane twice.....it was a long 20 hours....but we have finally made it...and here we are in Pune now.....!