Being fake is sometimes a good thing.....

For those of you who know me, you probably know that being fake is not my style....it is a character in people that I can't stand and it is something that I have vowed never to be...being fake is a waste of my time and frankly, i don't care for it....SO, that being said, when adoptive moms and adoptive books continued to tell me to "fake" my love for my son to make things easier and to ignore my feelings, i initially thought it was a horrible way to start a relationship with Amay...after all, who thinks that the secret to a healthy relationship is dishonesty....but friends, after 6 LONG months of letting my heart guide me in this journey, I have surrendered and realized that being fake isn't so bad after all...actually, it is a good thing....and even just a week of being fake, I have realized how much easier things could be....and sometimes, you can even trick your heart to believing some of your feelings are genuine.....and so, as I continue to hug and kiss Amay even at times when i don't genuinely feel it, i must say that it has been a great thing.....Amay has the biggest smile on his face which in turn has made me feel like a good mother...not to say that I don't love him....but sometimes in adoption, love doesn't always come naturally....and so sometimes, you have to fake it....but i guess not everything we do for our kids is genuine, right?...I mean, I often tell my 5 year old son that I LOVE playing superheroes with him all day and that it makes me so happy....i do love to spend time with my son, but DREAD playing superheroes....but i often fake the smile on my face as I pretend Ironman is about to go partner with Incredible Hulk to rid the bad guys.......so really, what mom isn't fake once in awhile..?

I guess the struggle for me was trying to be someone I wasn't comfortable with...I hate the feeling of being fake....most of you probably know me as an emotional thinker...i think and live my life emotionally and let my heart guide me to what is right and wrong...perhaps it is my heart that has lead me to all the great things and decisions i have made in my life...marrying my husband, having 3 wonderful kids, and going on this wonderful journey of adoption....being true to myself is deeply rooted inside me...and it is what i believe....so though i know that sometimes faking a lot of my feelings is what i need to do, i still struggle with it...it's like cheating on someone you love.....but for those of you who are at the point where I am on this journey, I think I am here to let you know that it is time to surrender...and sometimes let your feelings take a back seat.....because waiting for that "i am head over heels for my child and just want to hug him forever" feeling might not come as quickly as you want...but I have been assured that it will eventually come...but until then, being fake is a good thing....and for those of you not on the adoption journey yet and feel that being fake once in awhile might be something you are interested in, there are 147 million orphans in the world and a child that becomes an orphan every 18 seconds that may benefit from your fakeness...haha...that was my lame attempt to contribute to November's National Adoption Month....

All kidding and fakeness aside, Amay is doing wonderful and is making lots of progress....we are so blessed to see what a happy amazing little boy he has evolved into.... Sunny and I feel very optimistic about this journey...we spend many hours a day and many days a week talking about our feelings and where we are in our journey and where we would like to be....and finally, we are at the point where we feel optimistic...I have often felt alone with my feelings....not knowing if what i felt was normal or if I was ever going to be the mother that Amay deserved....but after many sessions of therapy, many blogs with adoptive moms, and many conversations with my amazing husband...I have realized that I am normal in all that i feel...regardless of how abnormal my feelings may make me feel....sometimes I have felt that my husband has been more natural at this than me...and I have felt left behind....but every night, i am assured by him that he is right there feeling everything i am feeling......we have lost many tires during this drive on this long and unknown road....and have felt many bumps in the road...but finally, we feel that though the road may continue to be bumpy, we now have the tools we need to be on a smoother journey...

"When Sad looks Mad"

I have been meaning to write for such a long time, but as you can imagine, life with three kids doesn't slow down....But yesterday, I came across an article on an adoption website that was titled "When Sad looks Mad"....and it really resonated with me....because as I thought about the content of the article, I realized that so much of Amay's "mad" is actually "sad"....I spend my entire day telling Amay not to be mad about this and that, but I didn't for a minute think that maybe his mad is actually his way of being sad....it was an interesting article...that talked about how kids from orphanages don't know how to express any other real feeling except "mad"...so when food was taken away from them, they didn't get sad, they got mad...b/c it was survival...when someone took a toy away, they got mad b/c it was the only toy they had....if they couldn't fall asleep at night, they were mad at themselves...not sad so that somebody would come and comfort them....so in an institution, there is no feeling of greed, sadness, or embarrassed...it is more of just fight or flight........kids that come from orphanages often don't know how to express anything but mad...not to say that they don't feel anything else... inside them, they are hurt, wounded, and very sad........and now, it all makes sense, that sometimes, "sad looks mad"....and even as adults, we often take out our anger on something that initially made us sad but now has just turned into anger.....so today I ask that those struggling with me to understand our "mad" child, take a minute and look into his/her eyes, and see beyond the anger of lonliness, rejection, separation...and look for the sadness that is deeply buried under......and you will see, that they have been sad for so long and nobody has paid attention...and that sadness has grown into madness.....

To My Son....Thank You!

Today was your first day of school...and I couldn't help but wonder where these 5 months have gone and how far you have come and how far our family has come....I remember the first time I came to pick you up, 5 months ago and you were watching out the window, and when I softly said "Amay" you quickly turned to my voice as if it was the voice you had been waiting for the last 4 years....and you gave me a shy smile and let me into your arms....and I would be lying if I said that these past 5 months have been the most wonderful and joyous months...because even though you are only 4 years old, you know that things have been tough for all of us....especially for you...and though I try not to think about how hard things must be for you, I know that they are hard...I can tell when I see those big tears roll down your beautiful dark eyes..when sometimes you cry and I can't soothe you...sometimes when you hit me because you don't know what to do with all the anger you have built up from those years of waiting for me to come pick you up.....sometimes I have it in me to be the mom you deserve, and then there are days when I shy away from that responsibility because I am afraid that I will never be the mom you deserve...but today, my son, I want to tell you how proud I am of you....how truly proud I am to be your mother...to be the mother of a child that is so strong, brave, resilient, and breathtaking....I know I don't take enough time in the day to hold you, or to tell you how much I love you....or to show you that you are worth every single day spent with you.....I want to say that I am sorry...I am sorry that this journey has been so hard for you...for me, for us....I am sorry for often not loving you unconditionally.....for often getting angry at you for making me feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed...when I know clearly how you must be feeling...I am sorry that even as your mother, sometimes I put my own feelings ahead of yours.....today, I want to take the time to say I love you....and that I am sorry for being "human"...if there is one thing I can promise you as your mother, it is that I am trying every day, to be the best mother to you and to your siblings......

Today, when you went to school....you held my hand tightly...and kept asking me if I would be back to pick you up...and though in your heart you knew that Mommy would be back, I know how hard it must have been to let go of my hand...but you did it so gracefully and effortlessly....and as you let go of my hand and took your teacher's hand, you looked back at me....and once again, ran to me and whispered, "mommy, i love you"...and those four words today have resonanated with me more than they ever have....you tell me that you love me everyday...but today was different.....because today when you said that to me, I wanted to just hold you and never let go of you...ironically, there was a part of me that felt like asking you if YOU would be back......because this whole journey feels surreal...

My son, thank you for your patience....thank you for giving me the time that I need to be your mother...thank you for understanding my bad days with you...because no matter how many bad days I have had, you have never failed to love me....you love me unconditionally...even though our love was originally built on many "conditions"...I know that we have a long journey ahead of us...and I am by no means where I want to be in our mother-son relationship...but I want to say that I love you.......thank you for being my son...thank you for praying for me into your life.....and thank you for challenging everything I am....because you make me want to be a better person and a better mother...and to me, that is what living my life is all about......Amay, my son, I LOVE YOU!

On a side note, Satya came up to me 2 weeks ago and said "mommy, I hugged Amay today because he was crying.."....and I looked at Satya and said, "Really?!?, I am so proud of you..you have never hugged Amay"...and he excitedly said to me, "I know! I am starting to love him! I didn't love him before, but now I am starting to love him."......Satya has also been struggling with his feelings for Amay...and 2 weeks ago, he made a great leap forward...Praise God for his continued strength, love, and faith in our family.  God has filled in all the emotional gaps in this family, and we are truly grateful to Him for helping us through this journey.....!

"Is it worth it?"

As months go by with Amay, we continue to have people ask us questions that sound wierd when they are asked....only because we are slowly starting to really feel that Amay is no longer our "adopted" son, but just our son....so now when people ask me if he is my "real" son or if my kids are "real" siblings, I hesitate at first not knowing how to answer the question...but then quickly rephrase it in my head with the word "biological" son or "biological" siblings so I can answer patiently and with more grace....don't get me wrong, i don't get mad with such questions, but now that he is really starting to feel like he is part of the family, i often try to forget that he is adopted...only because it helps me transition better.....however, two weeks ago, somebody asked me "is it worth it?"....and believe me when i say there was no graceful way to answer that question, because in my head i had rephrased the question to "is HE worth it?".....for some reason, i wasn't even mad at the person...i just came home, and had this gut wrenching feeling in my stomach....to think that somebody would even ask that question.....nobody asks a mom after she has given birth to a newborn if "the child was worth it"....or if "the pregancy was worth the child"...so why would somebody ask me if the adoption was worth Amay?....well friends, let me take you to the morning of that day....to help you understand why that question had hit home for me.....

That same morning of that horrible question, I had asked Amay to pick up the cards he had thrown on the floor...and 4 year old Amay screamed "No!"....so I asked again, "Amay, please pick up your cards" only to have him scream "No!" again...so I said, "fine, don't pick them up"....and before I can even walk away, he kicked me in my leg, and starting hitting me....not just one slap...but started punching me all over....not sure what had triggered him, i just walked away and didn't respond....(thanks to my therapist, i am better able to handle situations like this where initially i just want to start yelling and screaming back at him)...but this time, i just walked away....and that made it worst...he came after me and bit me in my stomach.....and then grabbed my hair and dragged me around the kitchen.....and though at that point I wanted to react, I just didn't know what to do..especially because Satya and Sita were both watching the terror....and so once again, i just let this play out...and finally he started spitting at me......at which point I grabbed him and put him in time-out....and he started to cry really loud and desperately cried, "mommy, please please please kiss me...!"...and you can probably imagine the look on my face..i was disgusted, surprised, angry, and thinking "there is no way in h-ll i am going to kiss you after all that"....seriously, did he just ask me to kiss him after that...?....

Anyhow, that night, i discussed with Sunny what had happened...and of course, as usual, my husband knew how to respond and had figured it out...that by me disapproving of his behavior somehow made Amay feel that I was rejecting him...and if I said, "fine, don't do it" it meant that i didn't care what he did and what he didn't do...and that didn't sit well with Amay...he needs to know that Mommy cares at all times...even when he doesn't do what i tell him to do...and this was probably not the time to just walk away from him.....but believe me...i was caught in the moment...so much at that point that i had gone to my days where i used to think that I was done babysitting him and I was ready for his "real" mom to pick him up.....

Anyhow, going back to "is it worth it?".....i am sure that most of you who have adopted agree with me when I say that just because we have adopted a child, we are not advocates of it and don't think that everybody should go out there and adopt a child because it is the thing to do...absolutely not....adopting a child is not the answer to a "human crisis"....but is an option for those who want to help the human crisis AND want to parent a child...it has to be both.....so when i am asked "is it worth it", it makes me believe that people think that adoption is something that is just a process of endless paperwork and then a child arrives and you decide if the child was worth the loads of money and process....nope....you have it wrong....everyday, especially days like the one we had that morning, assure me that this is just not a process...but rather a journey...a journey with many ups and downs....days where i still sit in my bathroom at 2 am somedays and cry....and cry and cry...because it is the best time to cry...everybody is asleep and i don't have to answer to my kids or my husband...but just need to release it all.....because though I know that Amay is worth EVERYTHING....it is hard...hard to fall in love with a child that isn't biological...it is hard to look into those big brown eyes and lie sometimes and say "I love you so much"....or hard to get spit on while your other kids are watching...or hard to feel that you are a horrible person for not loving a child that wants to be loved so badly....it is all so hard.....but like my husband says and continues to say, it is all so hard for Amay too....so perhaps the right person to ask such a question to is probably Amay....so if ever somebody wants to ask "is it worth it"....ask a child who has traveled the world to a place of unknown people, language, culture just so he can have a mommy and daddy....ask the child who often cries and asks "are you ever going to send me back to the orphanage".....ask him if "it" was worth it...and if he is worth it.....maybe this question wasn't such a bad question..it was probably just asked on a horrible day....and brought up a flood of thoughts and emotions.... adoption takes every ounce of energy from every single member of the family.....it is hard to have such a bold and upfront question thrown at us.....b/c everyday we wake up to feel "normal" again.....and then, somebody asks "is it worth it?"...is WHAT worth it?...next time, just ask "is it hard?" or "how are you guys doing?"

I guess I am not sure what the point of this blogpost really is.....but I just wanted to set some things clear to people and to get things straight in my own head so i can continue to answer questions gracefully even when not asked with politically correct terms......adoption is NOT something that people do to one day say to themselves, "yeap, it was all worth it"....so please don't make us or our children feel that somehow something should feel like it was worth it or that he has to somehow prove that he is worth a "process" or that he deserves parents.....just b/c we vent about "attachment" or "grieving" or whatever the challenge is for the day shouldn't be translated to "this isn't worth it".....we all know this is hard...and knew it was going to be hard...but at any point, if you don't know what to say when an adoptive mother cries to you and says, "i don't love him"...just say "it's okay"...don't question her motives on adoption or ask if it was worth it.....it's not what we want to hear...and really, if you ask yourself that question, you realize that it doesn't make any sense at all.....nobody asked me if my bio kids were worth the 2 degenerative discs, 2 C-sections, loss of feeling in my left thigh, possible hyperthyroidism, broken tailbone, and gestational diabetes with 90% chance of my diabetes returning....

Anyhow, enough venting...and more updating....Amay is doing amazingly well....he is starting to feel secure with us and finally starting to open up to us about his past...he used to never talk about the orphanage, but now, sometimes he talks about his caretakers and his friends from the past....we are assuring him that it is okay to miss and love the orphanage and that just because he misses it doesn't mean that we will send him back......a lot of kids block out memories and fear that if they talk about what they miss, they will be sent back....but we are so glad to know that Amay is feeling secure...of course, there are days where he reacts to something and I am not sure what cord i hit, but something reminds him of something from the past and then there is no way to console him but to just let the moment pass...like the one we had earlier.....his eating is becoming a lot better....the first time i fed Amay, he ate 8 chapatis...and i gave it to him b/c i felt bad for him...but soon realized that he was just hoarding the food and eating b/c he didn't know when he would get so much food again...and then would go to sleep with a stomache...and to him, the food was well worth the stomache.....but now, we have taught him to stop eating when he is full....and though it is hard for him to say no to food, he is trying really hard and has come a long way.....what else....???....Satya is still struggling to find a spot in the family with Amay here now....somedays i feel that they are never going to figure this out...that Satya will always have some anger towards Amay for becoming his "twin" brother......but then, there are times when I KNOW in my heart, that Satya is going to come past all this and make everything work..i feel that Satya is like me in the sense that Amay makes him mad b/c he wants to love Amay so badly but is having a hard time doing it......as for me....i continue with ups and downs....somedays, i love him b/c he is a good kid....and somedays i just can't find it in my heart to even give him a hug.....but i am now more comfortable with my feelings about him....i used to be ashamed to say that i didn't love him, or that sometimes i waited for his "real" mom to come pick him up, or that often, i hid in the bathroom just so he wouldn't find me.....but now, i am proud to say that i feel what i feel and we are working through it....and i love him for the little boy he is and for all that he has endured...i look at him sometimes when he randomly says "are you my mommy?" and just want to eat him up.....b/c he asks that question as if the answer will someday change....and i answer each time with "of course, you are my baby!"...and though sometimes i love him and sometimes i don't love him, one thing is for sure...I am his mommy, and he is my baby....and that will never change.....

so if you must know and if i must answer the question...YES, he is worth every hardship we go through and will ever go through in the future..because no mother says her son isn't worth it.....so the question isn't if if it is worth it...b/c sure there are days where we feel it is too much to deal with and that our lives before the adoption were a lot easier and more "normal"..but that doesn't for a second mean that it isn't worth it.the question should be whether or not we are up for the challenge...and often it's okay to say it's too much to handle...that's why i don't advocate adoption...some families can handle one biological child, while others can handle 5 adopted special needs children...and it's all okay.....but that doesn't mean our orphans are not worth it.....every child is worth it...it's about what we are willing to handle....so as for me, there isn't enough 4 year old spit in the world that would make me believe that our orphans aren't worth it......because every child deserves a mommy and daddy.....PERIOD!

The Little Incredible Kid

This is Sunny, just figured i'd make my first post about Amay.

In the past year and a half since we decided to adopt, we've gotten a lot of praise. From close friends and relatives to acquaintances there have been many to support us with kind words. And never has support meant more than in the last few months as we've began our journey with Amay.

Yet, something just doesn't feel right when I hear someone tell us about how we've done a wonderful thing or that we've done so much for this child who just a few months ago was in an orphanage in India.

The reason it doesn't feel right is because we really haven't done that much. What have we really done so far? Fill out endless amounts of paperwork, travel to India, and now try to give a child the love and compassion he deserves and has always deserved.

Compare that to what Amay has done. He spent nearly the entire first four years of his life in an orphanage. He so desperately sought the idea of a family that when the day came to leave everything that he'd know in his life behind, he calmly took Sumi's hand and walked out of the orphanage without even wanting to say goodbye.

Amay calmly walked into a completely unknown world. Filled with unknown things, unknown places, unknown languages, and unknown people. He went from house to house and city to city in India, meeting new family members. Every new place we went he'd ask, "Ame-ti-ka?" And we'd tell him no, this isn't America yet.

I still remember him when we'd take him to the park in India. He'd be laughing and playing one minute but then he'd have moments where he'd just sit still at the bottom of the slide; alone, with a sad look on his face, staring out blankly.

Amay in India; one of his moments at the bottom of the slide

Was he scared? Probably, but he couldn't even communicate that to us or maybe he didn't want to out of fear that he'd have to go back to orphanage. The only thing that was familiar to him was a cartoon called "Chota Bheem" that he wanted to watch endlessly, likely because it was his comfort. He still managed to enjoy the simple things in life that he'd never experienced before; a shower, a bottle of coke, a lollipop; the things we take for granted everyday.

Once he arrived at our home in Bolingbrook he asked again, "Ame-ti-ka?" And finally we could answer with a yes. Once he heard that answer the change in his behavior was immediate. How relieved he must have been to know that he was finally home. And yet the challenges were just beginning.

Amay still has to learn two languages. To this day he still isn't capable of deciding when he's had enough food to eat because he's never had that decision to make during the first four years. He still craves love and attention so much that even if someone he just met grabs hold of his hand, Amay won't want to let go. He has so much catching up to do in all different areas. Not to mention that he still has a family that is working to figure out how to love him like their own.

I always tell my oldest son Satya that nothing in life is given to you. That you have to earn every thing you get. But what if you don't even have an opportunity to earn it? That's what's unfair about life. Amay will get that opportunity but he's going to have to work harder than most to earn the things he wants. That's not a problem though, because I can see incredible strength in this four year old.

Being the typical guy, I don't really like to talk about my feelings, but I'll admit that many times I used to tear up just thinking about my kids and how much I love them. And now I tear up when thinking about Amay but it's for a different reason.

I can't help but think about what he's been through and what he must still be going through. I think about the courage that he's shown in fighting through the hundreds of changes that he's encountered in the last few months... and still keep going. I can't imagine one of my other two kids being ripped out of their current environment and having to start all over in a new country with a new family, new languages, and new everything.

As a parent, his strength is my motivation. If he can work through all those challenges, I can surely work through mine as well. After all, he's MY son and I'm proud of what he's done. At the end of the day, I'm going to make sure that he has all the opportunities he deserves to earn the things he wants.

So yes, we filled out a lot of paperwork and traveled to India, but beyond that all we've done is try our best to raise a son... just like everyone else. What Amay is doing is extraordinary. This is not to say that I don't appreciate all the kind words people have offered but I just want everyone to know that the little guy beside me is the one doing all the work.

My son's flat head.....

As I have mentioned many times, my husband is my rock...he carries me through every emotion and lets me feel the way I do without having to make excuses to why I feel a certain way.....often, when people think about loving a child, they instantly think about a mother and her love for her child...but through the process of loving Amay, I have had many ups and downs and still continue to struggle with what a mother should feel for her son.....I love Amay...i love him so much....and so badly want to be in love with him.....and have obviously come to the conclusion that things will take time...that sometimes I won't want to kiss him the way I kiss the other two kids...or that sometimes I will feel like I am babysitting him instead of nurturing him as my own....but all of it is natural....and my intentions of writing anything on this blog are not to justify my feelings or make excuses for anything...but truly to just work through my feelings....and as my 6 year anniversary just rolled around, I couldn't help but feel overly blessed for having my husband by my side...Six years ago, I married Sunny not only b/c I was in love with him, but b/c I knew that someday he was going to make a wonderful father to my kids....and that was the number one criteria for me in my husband....and as i struggle to love Amay the way I know I am capable of, I watch my amazing husband everyday with the kids...especially with Amay...and he is so nurturing...so real, so fatherly...as if he has been there all along....as if he hasn't missed his last 4 years...i watch him discipline Amay, and then end every time out with a hug or a kiss.....(and believe me, my time outs with Amay do not end with any sort of affection).....and every morning, before Sunny goes to work, he kisses me on my forehead...and then I watch him kiss Satya and Amay on theirs...and how refreshing...to know that even though I might struggle, my husband won't let me forget what it means to love a child.....to really just love him without thinking about it.....

A few weeks ago, as usual, I was talking to Sunny about how i lose my patience with Amay and I just wanted to be better and know how to be better....and was  desperate for help.....b/c I watch Sunny effortlessly be a father...and for me, being a mother has taken every ounce of energy out of me...so I wanted to know....and he said to me...when you get mad at Amay...before you lose your patience, feel the back of his head....and at that moment, I knew exactly what he was talking about...Amay has the typical flathead that children from institutions have from not being picked up when they were infants....as a child from an orphanage  lies in his crib an average of 15-20 hours a day...flattening their heads....and so Sunny said, "just feel his head, and you will know what he missed the last 4 years"....and that, is what i call "fatherly love".....and so now, everytime I am about to lose my patience, I feel my son's flat head...

Mommy, are you coming back?

A typical day at the Mehta household starts with Amay crying EVERY morning when i go into the shower.........I sit him down on my bed and explain to him that Mommy is going to take a shower and will be right back....and he still asks, "mommy, are you coming back?"....and though the night before, I would promise myself that I wouldn't lose my patience with him when he asks me those five words over and over, somehow, i can't help myself but get emotional...so every morning, i answer, "yes, i will be right back"......and get myself into the shower.....I am the girl that sings in the shower....actually, let me rephrase that...I USED to be the girl that sang beautiful Hindi songs in the shower, loud and out of tune...but loved it!...but now, I am the girl that cries in the shower while my son cries on my bed yelling for me....all I hear is "mommy, mommy, mommy!".....and now, I cringe everytime he says Mommy....because i know it will be followed by "are you coming back?"....and of course, the natural thought for everybody, myself included, is that he asks me b/c he is insecure...BUT, when I go to the kitchen, he asks " mommy, are you coming back?"...when i go to the bathroom, he asks again, and then again, and again, until I get mad and say, "of course mommy is coming back!"....and of course, this is a cycle...b/c when i yell at him, i sit in my bed every night feeling horrible.....I get caught in the hustle and bustles of life that I forget that Amay isn't just another child...he isn't Sitara and Satya....he comes with so many needs that I HAVE to nurture....and I can't excuse my actions just b/c it was another busy day on mom's agenda...I have to slow down and make sure that he knows that yes, even after taking a shower, mommy will be right back.....

The wonderful thing about Amay's transition into his new life is that he has pretty much followed what the books have told me about toddler adoptions...Amay had a great "honeymoon" stage that lasted about 2 days where he absolutely loved me...and then he entered "grievance" where he cried every night and didn't really want much to do with me b/c he wasn't sure if he was with us temporarily...and then about a month ago, he hit "frustration"...where he was becoming frustrated with me b/c he believes that I am his birth mother and I left him years ago while still keeping his siblings Sita and Satya with me...so he spent many days getting frustrated with me and crying "mommy, mommy!"...almost like him screaming, "mommy, why did you leave me?"....and due to our language barrier, I wasn't able to really communicate much with him...so Sunny had the "the talk" with him....the talk about his birth parents...who loved him a lot and couldn't keep him but wanted the best for him...and about us, who wanted a beautiful little boy in our family...and how we all came together...so that he would understand that he had birth parents and that though he was once given up, we would never let that happen again and that he is here to stay....and after many nights of Sunny talking to him, we have come to some days where he doesn't cry when I go into the shower....but still, many days where he still asks, "mommy, are you coming back?"...and though i get annoyed every time he asks me....it still breaks my heart into a million pieces...and I gather those pieces every day to stay strong...so i can yell at them when they don't clean their rooms and when they don't eat their veggies....the wonderful life of a stay at home mom!....:)

I am a proud mother.....

Today, I took my kids to the park as usual....and as i watched the three of them play, i couldn't help but cry.....and i didn't just tear up...i actually sat in the swing and sobbed......it continues to be a rough emotional journey for all of us, but in the midst of it all, i forget how hard it must be for my three munchkins..their entire life has taken a new twist.....i often find myself yelling at all of them during the day because they are constantly fighting or whining or crying because somebody took somebody's toy or somebody isn't sharing or whatever it is at the moment......and i truly don't have a moment during the day to just step out of the box and think about what is really going on in our lives...and today, when i sat on the swing, watching them play...it hit me that my kids are not only amazing, but are incredible little people.....everyday, i find them trying really hard to find a spot in this new family...each one is trying so hard......Amay constantly asks me "mommy, am i a good boy today, and mommy, do you love me...?"...and Satya asks me "Am i still your favorite?"......and with these questions, i don't know what they are truly feeling or going through, but i know they are trying so hard...because at the end of the day, it all just feels right.....i am just so proud of all three of them for opening their hearts up to this incredible journey and path that we are on ...they have all taken a leap of faith in their little hearts...every morning and night when the family sits to pray, they say "thank you God for each other..."...and though they are just saying that b/c mommy is making them say it, i know that one day they will really feel how lucky they are to be a part of this amazing journey together.....through the tough times and through the happy times...we thank God for each other...and I thank Him for my 3 amazing kids.....I pray that He gives them the inner strength they may need to love each other and to just enjoy each other's company......I am a proud mother!!!....

I love him.....

I thought I was done blogging, but I couldn't help but post Amay's update...Amay has been doing amazingly better since we got back to the U.S....I think his insecurities about where he was headed and where "home" was has finally vanished and he feels more comfortable...we obviously still have a lot of "adoption" related issues such as attachment and grieving, but overall, I must say that I am truly very happy and proud of how well he is doing.....he is picking up on the language and really trying to fit in with his siblings...... ..though I am still not "in love" with him, yesterday, i felt the feeling of love for him...and it was a big step in my relationship with him...i have been feeling like i have been "babysitting" somebody's child...but for the first time yesterday, I felt true love for him....from all the reading and support i have received from adoptive mothers, i have been told that it is okay to "fake" your love for the child and just "pretend" you love him until the day arrives when you truly love him...so that is what i have been doing...i have been hugging him every morning and telling him i love him every night...and though it felt wierd since i was having a hard time feeling any of it, it felt good just to show him love...and yesterday, i didn't have to fake it...i actually felt it in my heart.......and I think he felt it too....I hurt my toe yesterday with a chair and he heard me scream in pain, and he ran to me and said "oh mommy"...and he kneeled down in push up position and kissed my big toe.....and i carried him up and just held him in my arms......not faking any love....just truly loving him and missing him for the 4 years he wasn't with me....

Satya is still confused about Amay and not sure how to "share" everybody he loves...Satya has never been a "materialistic" kid...he doesn't care if somebody takes his favorite toy or if he doesn't get something...but when he has to "share" his little sister or his mommy/daddy...it hits home...and i think that is where he is struggling.....but Amay's love and resilience will soon win him over too...and I am confident that Satya is going to open his heart to him....with just a little more time...he keeps telling me "mommy, i just need more time!"...and time is what we will give him.....

Final Thoughts

This journey has taught us more than we could have imagined....and in the short time that Amay has been with us, he has challenged our entire family.....Sunny and I, along with Satya and Sitara have gone through many emotions and often continue to...I have doubted myself as a mother, have often wondered if Amay was better off at the orphanage, have worried how everything will fall into place, and continue to question what the future holds for our family....but at the same time, I am happy...happy to know that Amay is with us...and happy to know that we are going to do our best to give our son a wonderful opportunity at life.....Our family truly thanks all of those who have kept us in their prayers and for all the support that has been sent our way......Amay is a great bundle of love waiting to blossom.....and I know that God is going to continue to bless us with strength so that we can continue to overcome the unknown.....our journey is everything we expected, but nothing we could have prepared for.....in 2 short months, Amay has already become a completely different child....from the days of him biting, screaming, kicking, and crying, to an often loving child who craves his parents and wants to be hugged and kissed all the time.....we hope that this year will bring us more positive changes for him...and hope that one day his insecurity will gradually become something of the past.....at the same time, we hope and pray that Satya and Sitara will also be able to find their place in our bigger yet better family....as they are also struggling with insecurities and are trying to figure out where they fit in the family now that we have added one more.....Satya constantly sings "my mommy, you are my mommy!"....and I can tell that he often struggles with this change...but as mature as he is, he tells me, "don't worry mom, i just have to get used to him.."...I am so proud of him.....so proud of all three of my kids....for making the best of what God has given us...and truly embracing life and openning their hearts even when it is scary for them....hopefully the kids will give me time to write on the blog, but most likely not...so for now, I leave with a sincere thank you to all those who have stayed with us through this journey.....and as for my husband, he has always been my rock...and though we continue to struggle with our emotions, he says "in a year, we will adopt a baby girl...!"..and with that statement, i know that everything is going to be fine....:)
God bless!

Special Needs

When Sunny and I first started our journey with adoption, we spent countless days discussing our strengths and weaknesses and what we believed we were capable of accepting in our adoptive child....After making the decision to apply for a "special needs" child, we were anxious to find out what special need God would send our way....when we received a referral for Amay, we were blessed to know that Amay had very few medical conditions and hardly anything that we would consider a special need.....Most of his medical needs would be met with several years of speech and physical therapy.....so though India considered him a child with "special needs" we considered him a child with a special need for a family.....However, a month after meeting and taking care of him, I realize that every child from an institution is a special needs child...regardless of how healthy or unhealthy the child is, they will have many "special needs"...First and foremost, their insecurity causes them to act and react in many unexpected ways...sometimes Amay cries for no reason while other times he hits or yells...sometimes he smothers me with kisses while other times he wants nothing to do with me...His major special need is love..he needs to be loved in ways even he often doesn't understand....Sunny and I are often not sure how to love him....b/c even when we try to love and hug him, he rejects us...Sunny has tried to let him know that we will always be his family and always love him, but he is having a hard time understanding...somewhere in his 4 year old mind, he believes that one day, we will leave him too...and it will be a "special need" we will always have to nurture...Love and Trust...two things he needs,....my thoughts and prayers go out to all adoptive mothers and mothers with children with special needs...I believe God chooses special parents for His "special" children.....

Home Sweet Home....

Finally, we are home....!!!...I am so glad to finally be home..there truly is no place like home....it was a long but memorable journey to India.....we had an amazing experience with the kids and will always remember it.......We just made it home today morning and the kids are once again adjusting to life here...Amay has finally made it to America....no matter where we went, he kept asking, America?....if went to a mall in India, he would ask, America?.....when we went to see the Taj Mahal in Delhi, he asked, America....so when we landed at the Ohare Airport and he said, Mommy, America?...I was glad to say, "Yes, this is America!"......Amay continues to be a challenge in many ways...his curiosity and insecurity challenge us in so many ways....and we are at the point where we aren't sure if a lot of his issues are b/c he comes from an orphanage or just because he is a toddler...does he cry and throw a tantrum for no reason b/c he is a toddler, or b/c he is going through his "grieving" stage...?......does he not listen to us b/c he is a toddler or b/c he is frustrated with the language barrier?....at this point, I am not sure about anything...the only thing I know for sure is that we are now a family of five...and with a husband like mine, I am sure that we are going to make it through whatever Amay throws our way....kids are all having a hard time adjusting to each other....Sitara and Satya are whining and crying more often, and I am not sure if it is b/c of Amay or just b/c they have been spoiled in India....so I think we just need to give it 6 months and see how things go from there..I am slowly, very slowly, starting to "attach" to Amay.....I am starting to see past his hitting and crying.....but truly loving him is still a slow process....I am blessed for this opportunity...I question this whole process every day, only b/c it is emotionally draining and physically exhausting.... but not for a minute regret having Amay in our life......I am glad to be home...in the presence of family and friends who have extremely supportive......so glad to be home...tired, exhausted, jetlagged, but just happy to be home.....

Pictures

Thank you!

It is going to be quite some time before I get to write anything since we are going to Ahmedabad on Wednesday and I won't have access to a computer....but I just wanted to take this time to say thank you to all of you who have sent us many thoughts and prayers...your kind words and support have made a world of a difference......this journey is nothing that we could have prepared for...as we have been trained for everything that may come our way, but still are not sure how to attack it...but today, Sunny told me that he connected with Amay for the first time...and it makes me very happy to know...Sunny and I have both struggled with the "attachment" process...we have read a lot about how a child might struggle to "attach" to the parents....and we were prepared for it...but we didn't read much about how parents might struggle to "attach" to the child...and Sunny and I have been constantly been on a roller coaster ride with him......but it was comforting to know that Sunny is on his way to connecting with him...it is hard....and often it makes us feel like we are bad people....how are we not able to immediately love a child who needs our love so badly?....and I am still not sure why not...but it is a very slow process......but today is a wonderful day....the kids are playing with Sunny...running around and having fun....Amay asked me something in Gujarati yesterday which made me extremely happy that he was picking up on my language....and today I am just happy...we took the kids out to a park yesterday and watching Amay on the merry go around was beautiful..he had a huge smile on his face and it warmed my heart.....at that moment, it didn't matter what i felt for him, how angry he often made me...how confused i often feel...at that moment, i was just happy to see him so happy...for the first time, i felt that he was able to be a kid.......he just kept laughing....and it truly warmed my heart...and then when the ride was over, that feeling left me and i was stressed again..hahah....but thank you all for sharing this journey with us....can't wait to update you on our trip to delhi when we get our visa.....today is good day....i love my kids..i love my sisters and brothers and family who are a constant support for me...and all of you who have made this journey easier.......and i love my beautiful husband who is my rock.....he makes me stronger when i feel i can't fight anymore.....and he assures me that i can still love more when i feel i have no more to give......i thank God for all that he has blessed me with.....!!

Update on the process

Finally, we have received Amay's passport....it took about 2 weeks for his passport to arrive...we are on our way to Ahmedabad to visit my family for a week....Hopefully this trip goes smoothly from here on...we are going to Delhi for his Visa on the 13th...I am so homesick...I can't wait to be home.....Amay continues to be a handful and continues to challenge us.....he has an extremely hard time with separation.....he cries if his father leaves for an errand...or if Satya goes somewhere.....and he continues to challenge everything I say.....it is hard to figure him out......I get mad at him a lot...and then have to be reminded that he must be frustrated too...the language barrier has truly taken a toll on me...i want to tell him so much, but can't put it in words for him to understand.......it is wonderful to have Sunny with me so we can keep each other in check...we both seem to be getting frustrated at times, but are truly blessed for this experience....I have learned more in the past month than I have in the past 30 years about myself.....Amay is a truly a difficult one, but as our struggle continues, so does our learning process.....

Naturally Unnatural

It's been almost a month since finally meeting our son...and I have experienced many different emotions in such a short period of time.....I have loved him for the beautiful child he is...empathasized with him for all that he must have endured in the past four years.....been angry at him for hitting and yelling at me.....have been confused at how our family of five and extended family will all come together....have been frustrated with myself for not being as patient and loving as I should be and as I know I am with my biological children.....everyday with Amay brings on a new emotion.....but mostly, I have been surprised at how unnatural the entire transition has felt for me.....calling him my son was very natural for me...and taking care of him is also very natural for me.....but small things like washing  him after he uses the bathroom or wiping his boogers (haha) feels unnatural....but I guess even that will take time.....I realize that adoption in itself is naturally unnatural...but all the feelings that come along with it are often hard to deal with....it challenges my own understanding of who I believe to be....for the first time, I have realized that even a mother-son relationship can feel unnatural if it isn't nurtured from the beginning.....though Amay has taught me that no matter how frustrated or mad I become with him, he will always want me to comfort him....in that, I have realized that is natural for a child to have and need a mother.....even if he didn't have a mother for the first four years of his life, it is natural for a child to be comforted in his mother's arms......

Love at first sight?

After reading numerous books on Toddler Adoptions, it was a common understanding among adoptive mothers that it was okay to not have the "love at first sight" feeling mothers often have with the biological children.....I was aware of it, as I had experienced it with even my biological daughter.....it wasn't until about 6 months after she was born that i "fell in love" with her...I remember calling my husband at work to tell him that i had fallen in love with her....and he was a bit confused about why it had taken me so long....I wasn't sure either...it just didn't "love" her..I wanted to take care of her, but that was about it.....regardless, I was convinced that after months of waiting for Amay to come home, I was going to fall in love with him the minute I saw him.....I was going to be the adoptive mother with the "love at first sight" feeling.....I had already spent countless nights crying over the one picture they had sent us...and sleepless nights worrying about how he must be doing at the orphanage, and many anxious nights just ready to bring him home....But here i am now, still waiting for that feeling...it's been almost a month and I have yet to fall in love.....he is cuter than his pictures, often sweeter than I can imagine..but still, I struggle with my emotions....I have to give it more time...I need to let myself accept that every feeling is natural...love takes time...even if he is my son....I will continue to care for him and love him the way I know how to....but everything else will take time...This experience has humbled me....Amay has already taught me so much about myself....he has taught me that love is often just as hard to give as it is to receive.....I am having a hard time giving and he is having a hard time receiving.....

AmayAmay's firsts

In the midst of all the chaos a new child brings into a family, I have forgotten to cherish all the "first" moments I am experiencing with Amay.  Of course, we have missed his first words, first smile, first steps, etc....But there are many first experiences with him that have been a joy to see...the first time Amay had a popsicle, he just held it in his hand....unsure how to attack it....he watched Satya and Sitara but still couldn't get himself to put the cold ball of ice in his mouth....he tried several times but he had never eaten anything so cold before..needless to say, the entire popsicle melted in his hands within minutes.....the next day, we offered it to him again, this time, he immediately refused it...the first time he had popcorn, he sucked on it like hard candy waiting for it to dissolve in his mouth.....the first time he sat on an American toiled in India, he cried b/c he was afraid he would fall in....the first time he kissed Sunny on his cheeks, he said "Ouch" b/c Sunny's facial hair pricked him....first time I gave him a bath, he kept saying "mommy give me a bath??"....and of course, I'll never forget the first time he said "i like mommy".....though it has been fun watching Amay explore the world around him for the first time, he has been a handful to contain...he touches EVERYTHING and is constantly asking "what is this?"....Even something as common as soap, he asks "what is this?".....the first time he had to use the bathroom in public, we were at the park...he just took his pants off and went...it was embarrasing and funny at the same time....the first time I have him a pillow to sleep on, he took it and sat on it...and then asked "what is this?".....ugghhh....it is like taking care of a 4 year old infant.....fun but hectic....

The Struggle Continues

So, the struggle continues.....things seem to be getting harder than easier.....Amay had attached to me right away, but now as I get a bit more frustrated with him, he is getting a bit more confused....He won't listen to anything I say and has been anxious about everything...the other day we went to the park and he thought i was going to leave him there so he quickly ran to me and started crying....This whole process is testing me in more ways than I know how to handle...I read almost 50 books on toddler adoptions and was ready for every scenario, and now that Amay is finally with me, I can only think with my emotions and am feeling overwhelmed and not able to really set anything straight in my head.....I want to cry because I am sad that I am not able to love him the way he wants me to love him...and at the same time, i am just tired......He is constantly testing my patience....I don't know what he is thinking....sometimes he just starts crying...I don't know if he misses the orphanage...sometimes he screams "TAI"...which is what he is to call his caretakers....I keep telling Sunny how hard it is...and though Sunny has been amazing with all my emotions, he is great at reminding me that it must be just as hard for Amay....everything is new for both of us...neither one of us understand each other....The kids have not taken to each other as well as I had hoped...though I had expected it...I had expected all of this...just am now in the moment of it all......Satya is a great big brother...Yesterday, while I was talking to Sunny on the phone, I promised him that I would be more patient with Amay..This morning when I lost my patience, Satya said "mom, remember what you promised Papa?"...He keeps me in check.....God, give me patience........Thank you all so much for your continued prayers and comments...it helps me a lot....

Surviving.....

Wow, it has been a hectic week with the three kids....i cry every day when talking with Sunny, as I miss him so very much...i just want him to come here and just be with us....this transition has been a lot for me...Amay is done with his "honeymoon" phase and is now in his "frustration" phase...he hits me a lot, and kicks and screams...he is frustrated with the language barrier...it is tough for both of us not to understand each other...he wants me to constantly assure him that I am his mother so every 2 minutes he says "mummy?"...but it has been extremely hard with Satya and Sitara as they also are feeling a bit confused....especially Sitara...she wants to always sit on my lap and Amay won't allow it....he wants me to himself...but is really frustrated and has a lot of energy...he doesn't listen to anything i say...i hope this phase passes as it is really hard without Sunny here.....I feel guilty not being able to love him the way i know i should...but i think it will take time for me....anyhow, i can't write much...i can't wait to be home....it is hard here....very very hot.....kids getting bored in small apartment...nothing to do.....everybody is getting anxious...i just want to be home right now so i can start my own routine with everything...i know God has a plan and this is the only thing that is keeping me going...Amay was part of God's plan for us...and I really need Him to give me the strength and show me the love so i can pass it down to my kids...all three of them....i am truly very exhausted......but Amay is very happy with me....he shows it often by kissing and hugging me....so regardless of how tired i am....it is all worth it just to know that he will be happy now...with his "forever family"...Sunny has been amazing throughout this process even though he is not with me..he continues to let me know that i am strong enough and i can do this...he reminds me that it is okay not to feel an instant connection..and it is okay to feel guilty...and sad...and overwhelmed...all of which i am feeling....so I am thankful for my wonderful and amazing husband.....i have to go now as the kids are banging on the door.....basically, i am surviving....until Sunny gets here.....

Amay Has Joined the Family

This is Sunny again. Wanted to update everyone since Sumi doesn't have access to internet right now. 

Sumi went to the orphanage on Monday (May 7th) to pick up Amay. The orphanage had a small ceremony to say goodbye to Amay. He was very happy about joining Sumi and was very proud to tell everyone that he was going home with Mom. Amay didn't spend much time saying goodbye as he was more focused on holding Sumi's had tightly to ensure she wouldn't leave without him.

The language barrier has been a little tough as Sumi can't fully communicate with Amay. But Amay is already starting to pick up the key words in Gujrati and English. He knows "aapo" which means give me in Gujrati and he also has heard "no" quite a bit as well (but is not as eager to follow through on that one yet). His first few days with Sumi and the kids have been good. Amay is grabbing everything he can get his hands on and has also managed to write on the walls once. He is very affectionate with Sumi. He'll come up to her, squeeze her cheeks together and give her a kiss every so often. He also calls for Sumi's attention frequently to make sure she's still there and that she's paying attention to him. I was able to talk to him on the phone a couple times and he seems like a very happy boy.

The three kids are sleeping in the same room with Sumi for now. Luckily, once they fall asleep, they've all been sleeping through the night. The kids are also getting adjusted to each other. While I'm on the phone, I can hear Amay and Sitara fighting in the background since neither really enjoys the concept of sharing right now. It's funny to hear the two talking to each other in different languages but still able to communicate somehow. Satya is his usually giving self. He volunteered to go sleep with Grandma the other night because he realized it was tough for Sumi to put them all to sleep. Sumi told him he could go if he wanted but he didn't have to go... so he stayed.

The kids have also ripped through their supply of Mac n' Cheese so that's #1 on my list of items to bring to India. They also seem to be having more than their share of ice cream. Satya told me he wanted to stay in India and not come back (Sumi said it's because he enjoys the fact that there are no rules for him).

So even though it has been a hectic last week for Sumi, she's managing all the challenges extremely well. Amay is happy to be with her and has connected very quickly.

We also received the court order today and hope to have Amay's passport by early June.

Recurrent dreams....

When I was pregnant with my first child Satya, I used to have these wierd dreams where I would forget him at the mall, or the grocery store, or in the car because i forgot that I had a child...and then when I was pregnant with my second child Sitara, I used to have the same dream...I would have Satya with me but I would dream that I forgot Sitara at home or in the car forgetting I had 2 kids....and now, i have been having these recurrent dreams where I constantly forget Amay in different places...yesterday, I dreamt that we went to the carnival and i came home with Satya and Sitara and forgot Amay at the carnival....ugghhh...I kept trying to convince the police that I didn't mean to forget my son but I forgot that I had three kids...hahah....funny recurrent dreams......!!!.....Don't worry, I haven't ever actually forgot anybody anywhere....!

Picking him up tomorrow.....

Finally, Satya and Sitara have adjusted to the sleep schedule and are no longer waking up at 3 am dancing and singing....they are having lots of fun in India, but I think it is a bit hectic right now for them...they are doing surprisingly good though......anyhow, i will no longer have access to internet as we are now going to go live with some other cousins.....but we are picking Amay up from the orphanage tomorrow morning and finally bringing him home...I am once again, very nervous, but this time, more excited than nervous.....I am taking Sitara with me this time since she was really mad i didn't take her last time...she keeps saying that she wants to come with me to pick Amay up...so i think it will be good for her....and I think Amay will love to see her since he was asking about her last time...the plan is that we are going to spend the whole day with him at the orphanage...eat lunch with him, take a nap with him, etc...and then they will have a goodbye ceremony for him and then we will take him home..i am sad for him knowing that he will never see his friends and caretakers again, but i think i will be able to hold myself together....i have been surprisingly very strong throughout this process....i thought i would fall apart as soon as i walked in the orphanage to see him...i used to cry when i was in America at just the mere thought of him....but i guess it is true that God always gives you strength when u need it most...I can see lots of sadness and confusion in Amay's eyes...anyhow, we will see how tomorrow goes...i think it will be very emotional for everybody.....Sunny will write on my behalf since i won't have internet.....wish me luck!

Update on our stay...

As Sunny has mentioned, Amay is a very sweet boy and has taken to us quickly...hopefully his grieving stage will come and go quickly if it ever happens, because i love watching him smile when he sees me...everytime i see him, he runs to me and wants me to carry him....the first time i saw him, he was wearing a shirt that said "my mommy is the best, sorry daddy!"...it was cute...all the kids at the orphanage are absolutely priceless and i honestly can't wait to go back one day and adopt another one....they were all so happy to see me and Satya and it is amazing how much love they have in their hearts with the little love they know about....but finally meeting Amay was amazing and i don't have enough words to express how lovely he is......i am so happy that though he waited so long for a family, he has found his way into our hearts and our family...i can't wait for him to meet Sunny....i showed him pictures of Sunny and he had a smile on his face.....otherwise, everything else is going fine...sayta and sitara have been a lot to handle with their jetlag and whining...they are quite bored since there is nothing to do in the heat....but it is okay...i am thinking about putting satya and amay in school for a little while in India..we will see how it all goes.....Satya and Sita woke up at 3 am again this morning and were playing "Ring around a Rosey".....uggghhh...i really need some sleep!!!.....hopefully I will update more later....Sorry, but i don't have much access to computer so can't write too often, but Sunny will try to keep up with the blog....

Meeting with Amay and Court Hearing

This is Sunny... Sumi's husband. I'm making a post in her place since she doesn't have frequent access to the internet in India right now.

Sumi visited the orphanage for on May 2nd. She took Satya with her. Amay was very excited to see her. He ran up to her right away and took to her very quickly. He was also happy to see Satya and asked about Sitara. Satya was a little shy at first but finally caved after Amay kept trying to hold his hand. Sumi spent a couple hours with Amay. She brought some Hot Wheels for him which he was happy to see. Sumi said Amay is a very sweet boy. The people at the orphanage were very surprised to see how similar Satya and Amay's personalities are. When it was time for Sumi to leave she could sense a change in Amay. He held her tightly and didn't want her to leave. She tried to communicate to him that she'd be back soon but it was tough due to the language barrier. Overall, the visit went very well and Sumi is very encouraged by the fact that Amay took so quickly to her and also Satya.

Sumi's court date was on May 3rd. She met the social workers and Amay at the court. She brought a few cookies for Amay and he eagerly grabbed about five of them at once. Her time in court was very quick and uneventful. She was asked only a couple questions. "Why do you want more kids?" and "Do Satya and Sitara know about Amay?" The judge also asked Amay if he understood that Sumi would be his mom and he answered yes. When leaving court Amay again was sad to not be staying with Sumi.

Sumi is planning on picking Amay up from the orphanage on Monday.

Sumi is also working hard managing Satya and Sitara. Their sleep schedules are still thrown off by the time change. She was trying to prevent them from falling asleep too early today and keep them up till at least 8pm. For the first time ever both kids were begging to go to sleep. Ha! Never thought I'd see the day. It also sounds like Satya and Sitara are both getting plenty of ice cream and watching lots of cartoons.

I can't wait to see all of them...

In Pune and waiting to see him....

Finally, the day has arrived when i finally get to see my baby boy!...I get to meet Amay at 230 pm today..i will be taking Satya with me and keeping Sitara behind...but i am so excited and nervous....it has been an exhausting first day...kids have been horrible...have been complaining about the heat and jet lag all day...i woke up at 3am this morning with both of my kids singing "donuts, donuts, we want donuts...".....anyhow, i am afraid that taking care of the three kids without Sunny might be more than i can handle..i have been feeling a bit sick from the jetlag and lack of sleep, and the kids are behaving out of their norm...i think they are both already getting homesick and miss Sunny a lot...Sitara keeps yelling "Papa!!!"....anyhow, i will see how it all goes...as for now, i will just have to be strong for today so i am not a emotional wreck when i finally see him.....i am too nervous to write now....

Our flight....

Our flight to India was, needless to say,very very long and tiring....the kids did okay, but i was exhausted...Sitara threw up in the plane twice.....it was a long 20 hours....but we have finally made it...and here we are in Pune now.....!

Final thoughts before we fly.......

So, finally, i am all packed and have tripled checked everything....we went to see the movie "Chimpanzee" with the kids yesterday...it was a good way to celebrate our family of four before we add one more...the movie was good for the kids before our trip...as it was about a male Chimpanzee who adopts a baby chimpanzee.....Satya loved it...and he kept talking about how it's important to even to adopt animals...sweet boy!...anyhow, the closer i get to this trip, the more i am getting nervous....and all the questions that i had before our entire adoption process have resurfaced..."how if i don't love him the way i love my biological kids"..."how if he hates me"..."how if he becomes depressed with the transition".."will i go through 'post adoption depression'"..."how if he doesn't get along with Satya and Sitara".."how will Satya deal with another child his age"....I know all these questions are normal....and it is time now that i let God take care of the rest...i am putting my faith in Him and letting Him guide me through it.....here we go.....!...i probably won't write more now until after the court date...but will let you know how it goes.....I am going to miss my husband so much...have never been away from him for so long...ugghhh.....

Getting Ready to Travel...

Friday April 20th was when we received the phone call for our court date.....i couldn't believe it.....in just a little more than a week, we had to be in India for court.....I was waiting for this day for the past year, and now, i was thinking "there is no way i can be ready in a week!"....but here we are now.....ready to travel.....so much to do in between, but nothing as important as finally meeting him.....Though Sunny won't be able to travel with me for our first encounter, I am taking the two kids with me so we can finally meet Amay....i can feel that everybody is emotional, even my son Satya..i know that my daughter Sitara has a vague idea of what is coming up, because every day now, she asks to see pictures of Amay!...We are all dealing with our own emotions, but we are mostly overcome with excitement to finally hold Amay in our arms......we are in the midst of packing.....making sure that i don't forget a single document....i am so nervous...so very nervous, especially to go without Sunny who has been there with me throughout this entire process......but we will see how it all goes....We fly out Sunday.....as for now, i have to go finish packing.....

Leading to the Court Date....

Before receiving our referral back in November, we spent the past year filling out paperwork, doing interviews, writing personal statements, more paperwork, fingerprints, background checks, letters of recommendations, making family albums, employment letters,and did i mention...PAPERWORK....yeap, it seemed like the paperwork was endless...everyday was a new set of forms we had to fill out or a new medical test we had to get done to prove that we met all the criteria to be adoptive parents.....and in the midst of all the paperwork, i forgot what we were even working towards or what we were waiting for.....until we received the call in November....the call from our agency referring us to a 3 year old boy they believed "fit well in our family"....and when they asked us if we would accept his referral, we couldn't let this blessing pass us by....which then led us to the waiting period.....

Everyday after November was a day without our son....he was no longer just a child we were waiting for from India....he now had a name, and we had a picture and a five minute video.....and every day that we spent in the U.S as a family, we spent it as an incomplete family...as our son was waiting for us....and our definition of family had a new meaning...


While waiting for the last stretch of paperwork to clear before our court date, i spent the past 5 months trying to prepare emotionally and mentally for everything that may come my way when our family grows....and just when i thought i had everything figured out and knew exactly how i would deal with things......my 4 year old son asked me "When Amay comes, will you love me the same, will Sitara love me the same.?"......and then i knew, not only was i not prepared for what lied ahead, i was terrified...and maybe i will never be prepared.....but at the same time that my son's question astonished and scared me, his statement after that brought me back to the peace in my heart that now continues to stay with me....right after his question, he said "it's okay mom, because i know i am lucky because i have parents that love me, and now Amay will be lucky too..."...this one simple statement from him has carried me through......and though i am still scared, nervous, lost, and often not sure of how to feel....i am mostly feeling lucky....lucky and blessed to be a part of this journey....and to have wonderful family and friends to share it with.....

To say that our family has been through many ups and downs during this journey would be an understatement....and though i know that my husband and my kids have struggled through their own emotions during this process, i can only speak for myself...and for me, this journey has been more than just a process...it has become a way of life.....I have spent many days crying, doubting, wanting, not knowing, loving, and every other emotion in between.....and i would be lying if i didn't say that i never questioned my ability as a mother...and not just any mother, but an adoptive mother...and to this day, i still do.......but now i have come to terms with it....and i now know that it is okay to doubt...it is okay if as a mom i don't have all the answers to why i feel the way i do.....all i know is that i will love him with all my heart....because without even knowing him, i already love him...just the way i loved my two little ones when they were in my tummy....without even having met them....and i guess adoption for me has been very similar to pregnancy...a very long pregnacy....an emotional one...and yeah, sometimes i would have cravings to eat junk food...not from the hormones, but from all the stress...:)...and i am now at my last trimester of my "pregnancy" where i just want him to be here where i can hold him, kiss him, and never let him go.....

The decision to adopt....

Our journey to Amay started many years ago, even before we knew him, as adoption wasn't an overnight decision for us as a family. It was a decision that was many years in the making, and perhaps one that even I didn't know would come reality for me until I met my wonderful husband Sunny.  Every girl dreams of one day marrying her prince charming and living a happily ever after life.  For me, the day I married Sunny was the day that all my dreams fell into place...and adoption was one of them....As it turned out,  Sunny shared my same dream and our journey began then, almost 5 years ago when we got married.  After two beautiful children, we began to discuss our desire to adopt, and one year after our youngest daughter was born, we applied to Holt and began this long, tiresome, yet exciting and emotional journey to our child who we now know is Amay!

Our Journey Starts

This blog is about our family's journey to bring our son Amay home. This is a picture of the newest member of our family...